This is Ordinary

With permission and encouragement, because I've never done such a thing, I'm going to address a specific email here within an entry. ....so for you my friend, I'll try this direction and I imagine the comments from others will also be a difference in perspective and opinion. I  am after all just a voice of individual process, nothing more, nothing less ~ ~ ~ ~

Trust me, bad things have happened in my lifetime. Things I suppose I could allow to coil around my ankles and hamper my every move. I am human, and no where near immune to the facts of life. I can claim negative, sad, traumatic, horrid, depressing, frustrating, heartbreaking....and so on. If you are alive, you will have pain. That is truth. And the odds are on the fact, someone out there is dealing with something far worse then what you, I, see as bad.......

That is ordinary.

If I take a snapshot of just the last two months of my life, and applied it to conventional and acceptable process, I would have a "right" or "inherited" reason to be pissed, depressed, bawling, stressed and generally down. Truth in snapshot. ***after thought modesty removal***

I know sharing this much wasn't needed, but rather a perspective of my challenges. Now, you'll see that not all things are peachy keen in my world. I typically don't mention things like that because I do not desire sympathies, strokes, and dramatic infusion. It's not needed. But I can see why you may have thought I had the world in my hands. In a way I believe I do actually, but not the way you implied. Regardless of the issues I'm dealing with, I'm beyond thrilled to be alive and gifted another day to explore life. Simple, but good enough for me to feel grateful and appreciative of what I have.

So that's two months, all things I have absolutely no control over, and despite it all, I think today is a gorgeous beautiful day. Could that imply I'm rowing in a personal boat of denial? I don't believe so,I've had my sadness, my tears and allowed bad days to happen. Tis human to grieve, have a bad day, embrace a sad time. However, the bad things have happened, are still happening and I honestly believe playing victim over them is not the sort of direction growth, understanding, healing and greatness, in spite of it all, is found.

I wasn't always this way. There was a time that I basked in the glory of my past, my guilt's, and my glorious pains. Moments like that can be found in the archives of my journal. I haven't always made good choices, and have no doubt I will make more bad choices in life. I have rained hell down on my heart and mind just to sit and lick the very wounds I created. I own my choices, and I assure, I've done some terrible things in my life that I will continue to live with. But here's the thing, my past is my past, your past is your past....our historical realities...I see the difference between you and me, is the fact I no longer allow my past to define my future, whereas you let your past dictate your tomorrows mind set.

It seems only natural that one allows a yesterday to establish a tomorrow, but I encourage you to shift that mentality. We are the makeup of our history, but it's just crazy to allow such a thing as something that happened 10 years ago to effect your today. Let it go. I'm sure as you read that, your pain swelled up demanded and justified it's overbearing presence, but you can stifle that thought, I promise, by over ruling it's persistent need with a more powerful emotion called acceptance. You have to choose which you'd rather give the louder voice. It's yourself after all. Truth. No one could tell me a past issue that could warrant an entire life lived in day in, day out, pain and despair. No history is worth that self inflicted sentence. Reprogram.

You wrote that you have a hard time feeling happy for someone else who expresses happiness, greatness......that's your ego talking rather then your heart. Yes ego, because ego would rather think they are bad at something, just as you believe you are.  Trying to measure your own ego against another persons successes is a fruitless maneuver that will never bring you personal joy. We are far too individual, with individual lives to play 'theJones' against our family and friends. Those that do, are participating inan empty game that never ends.

The way I see it, everyone possesses that great and powerful concept of choice. There are those who have taken the 'bad' in their past, learned from it and although it will never be erased, they apply it in a positive manner to their future. And then there are those who allow a past to shackle their thoughts, behaviors and somehow feel justified bythis mentality. If you have convinced yourself this thought process is perfectly right and earned, try unconvincing yourself that it's not. Otherwise you choose to keep rowing that boat in the middle of the desert without water. Boats don't move very far in sand.

As for your greatness, I could mention several things I think are great about you. But I won't. This might hurt, but here's the deal. Anyone that needs compliments, or others to point out what's good about them, or fill their bucket of greatness is again rowing in a desert. For me to do that, is akin to giving you a quick rain storm. You need to fill your own lake with a wave of positive thought and changes. The notion of depending on others to do it for you is an unreliable source of personal nourishment. I see a hundred reasons you could feel confident in yourself, but you see a few past histories to drag you down......shift your focus, and believe in it. Once you do that, and I do compliment you, you'll actually believe me............

Each sentence I've written should have started with I believe.....and ended with, my personal opinion. I'm no therapist, but you asked for my opinions. Everything I've written is my personal view point. It's only truth for me, and suggestion based on my history and knowledge. I imagine it's made you uncomfortable and I will say, Good. Uncomfortable should inspire a change of position to find content. You deserve content, we all do. And when the next hard thing comes along, which it will, you'll be better able to handle it's motion. I believe in you my friend.........

And that is, just a thought~

**after note, the person I was writing emails with asked me to do this entry, and encouraged me to be be bold and honest. Their questions and thoughts weren't an attack on me personally. It's all good. Friend is well meaning and I hope this entry helped, rather then offend**