Although I once again feel devoid of respectable chitter chatter, or type-oh-worthy material, I thought I would try "throw the paint and see what materializes" theory. I got up at 5:00 a.m., which is an unnatural hour, in my humble opinion, for anyone to be awake. But today seems like a good day to start early.
The first of March marks another seasonal survival period for me. January and February are brutal to my daily peace of mind. It's a time frame that has the ability to snake bite my insides and decay my smile. I suppose conventional wisdom could say I suffer from the cliche effects of seasonal affective disorder (S A.D.), but I would prefer staying away from any sort of labels and simply understand I struggle though certain times of the year.
Each year is different, especially with my growing surface knowledge and understanding of my own interior. It took awhile, but over the last few years I've realized, put my finger on it per say, that it's 'normal' for me to tank into darkness during the first two months of the year. The yearly goal for me, now, is to keep a window cracked open and reasonable conscious perspectives close at hand. If I maintain that, I don't feel like I'm one step away from black despair of the indescribable ~~
This year I went the direction of hyper-manic, which made me a slave to my impulses, made for a lot of sleepless nights and unexplainable creations......but kept me productive in the day to day. It was a nice change from years of past. I wasn't swallowed whole by black corridors and silent landscapes.
I've kept the Lavender Black at bay...................
Permission and Patience. Those are the factors in my life that have made all the difference. I used to fight, kicking and screaming against the hooks of a bad day, a sad day, a bleak day, a black mood. I used to think something was wrong with me when those type of days rolled into my world like a fog. I used to think there was something immeasurably wrong with me when I couldn't control and maintain a daisy filled flower attitude.
It took awhile to understand I was being quite unreasonable to think everyday should be calm, beautiful and as stable as a mountain. It was rather pompous really, to think I could go through life without waves, ebbs and flows, ups and downs. Permission to feel as my mind wanders and patience to discover the next destination, tis my dose of Prozac.
Did..I just admit I have psychological issues? (I know, I know, you've all known that about me for quite some time, haven't ya) I suppose that's a reasonable admission, and better then just saying I may have a touch of whacko within me <grin> I haven't met very many people who don't have some sort of visible screw rambling around loose in their minds. Although I understand why I would like to pretend life is just peachy, it does make for a bland illusionary assumption.......
Truth threads its way through eventually, always~~~~
Wishing for Daisy Day's
And accepting the weeds as they emerge.
Rebecca Anne
28 comments:
I know that if I turn my head to quickly, you can hear them clink against each other. Wouldn't it be a boring world without a few "just slightly different" folks to keep us wondering? Have a great weekend.
Smiles, Leigh
We all have issues. I'll fill a page and a half if I enumerate all my issues. I love you the way you are. You are a package and all issues included, you are a delightful and amazing person.
Hugs,
Dee
I think in this day and age, your persona rings normal. So don't worry, and Spring is coming! :-)
Oh lord, my kids were calling a "wacko" long before it became fashionable..lol. But that's a mantle I carry for being born an Aquarian...fifty years ahead of yourself and everyone else...so ignore the stares you get. My mind never stops sometimes I think it verges on the manic...but a nice manic. You, my dear, are bright, articulate and talented...so of course, your mind will race. You are normal for you, each one of us is unique in their own ways and that is the beauty of life...the differences. Love, Sandi
I have to agree ... everyone seems to have their bleak days, some of us more than others, but as long as there's a light (Spring!) at the end of the tunnel, I can trudge through another day. Maybe. If I want to. LOL ~~Kath~~
beautifully written, thoughout and constructed...as always.
Hee, hee. We have the beautiful, spring looking day toay. I celebrated this warming trend by sleeping from mid-night last night until 2pm this afternoon. Mother used to call this rush of sluggishness, this feeling of perpetual sleepiness spring fever. May be some truth to that. As the pollen prolifterates around here, my sinuses do strange things. And I think that makes me want to be a sleepy, lazy girl. - Barbara
My screw isn't even loose anymore....it's entirely stripped out!
Let's get outdoors and do our thing. We'll both feel better. For me, nothing beats a nice bike ride at 165 heart beats a minute on a sunny day to adjust my attitude. Get your waders on and get yer ass in the stream, woman :) The trout miss you!
I think that we can't truly appreciate the light if we've never experienced the dark.
Beth
Congratulations on being Guest Editor's Pick this week!
Guido
http://journals.aol.co.uk/pharmolo/NorthernTrip/
I love that -
Wishing for Daisy Days; and accepting the weeds as they emerge.
Perfect description for how we all should cope with life and its ups and downs!
be well,
Dawn
http://journals.aol.com/princesssaurora/CarpeDiem/
My sister has struggled with such label-phobia that she has lost a lot of time to untreated clinical depression. God knows I know enough alcoholics who never stop drinking for fear of having to say "I'm an alcoholic."
The blues is much more romantic than S.A.D., but the latter may well be something a doctor could help you with. Why fear a diagnosis just because it's a diagnosis?
Hey, you seem pretty normal to me. I think we all have issues, and I get a little jittery during the really cold months just like most folks do, too. BTW, I get up at five every morning, day off or not. My kitty makes darn sure I do and she has a bag of tricks to ensure my wakening that you just would not believe!
Sam
Congrats on being one of Guest Editor Marc's picks :-)
Martha ~
Rebecca,
The ones I really worry about are those who don't have a screw loose in there, somewhere. Thanks for the entry.
David
Knowledge cannot be otained without the friction of life. Without the struggle (man vs. his Nature) he will never have the opportunity to increase his level of understanding, empathy and sensitivity.
I get nervous when days begin looking like daisy days, but I know enough to grab them when they come along.
As always, a wonderful thought provoking entry...I wish you peace and a good handful of fertilizer for your daisy days!
Marc :)
Great entry as always. Thought provoking and wonderfully written. I think we all have issues to deal with and we deal with them in our own unique and individual ways. Some of us are better handlers than others and still others of us are just damn good at pretending to be. :-)
love,
Marie
http://journals.aol.co.uk/mariealicejoan/MariesMuses/
wow
you really spoke to me with this entry.
sometimes it's normal to be a little sad. These days people seem to think it's pathological. Lots of great poetry music and art come from reflective melancholy times
Marti
I often find myself unable to explain my complicated feelings even to myself. You do a great job here, lovely. ~Mary
Can I just say Ditto to your whole entry? ya -me too! January and Feb have always been hard for me. Atleast in March (well we used to anyway, not we get more snow) we get the warm up days of melting snow and happily April comes with mud;)
stacy
thank you so much for the card it meant so much:) have a good week
Deb
Congratulations on being one of Marc's picks this week. I enjoyed this entry very much. I get those "winter blues" too and can sympathise. Hope Springs gets here very soon!
Lori
Ah, yes....Thank you for describing life as of late for me. Although I will admit, I'm guilty of sleepless nights and allowing the world to creep into my conscious in the early morning hours. It is an amazing place when you don't concede defeat to your melancholy, but rather find a middle ground with it.
Who ever said sanity was all it was cracked up to be anyway? I find the world is far more interesting from a cracked view than a sane one. May we always see life from the other side of the Rose colored glasses, a lttle distorted, yet a comfortable fit no matter what it tends to give us to wear at the moment. (Hugs) Indigo
Accepting the dandelions along with the daisies. I'm glad you're understanding yourself a mite more. I have some down times myself that seems less so now that I'm also walking a dog outside in the winter months, and dancing again, but still. Ebb and flow. No one should be a completely even state all the time, right? Ack, that's a bit nondesirable.
I love the card:) It was my daisy in an afternoon that was stressed, some of it good stress, some of it some bug going around, but still stress.
Life isn't all daisies and roses and lilies and those other flowers in my daughter's bouquets whose name I usually forget. When we do get them? Yes, we can treasure them.
Not sure I could wake up at 5:00 a.m. routinely. Actually, I know I couldn't!
Yeah, we know you're fucked up, but we love to rubber-neck.
Fred
Fred....
Your frank honesty is somewhat refreshing~~~~
Always,
Rebecca
LOL, I just read Freds comment OMG, is he for real? I was going to make a comment on S.A.D. as I have suffered from it for years, but he's thrown me completly!
Gaz
LOVE. THIS. So very true...freakin' daisies...;) C.
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