Indigent

My last mental vomit still stands, I feel rather passionate and close to said topic. My brother did live through the weekend, however, he did not make it through the weekend a free man/zombie.

Meaning, after a tenacious homefront battle, heartbreak, blood was shed, a swat team complete with guns drawn were called in, many tears, and a finale worthy of my expectations, my brother was drug off by the hero's with a badge, to another mental ward.

He's Indigent. The states word, not mine.

Anyway, I'm tired of thinking about, dealing with, and mourning for him. I'm feeling indigent towards him and his problems. I suppose that happens when you have to witness someone like him continually hurt and make life a living hell for other family members, for myself, who have never done anything but help, love and support such a person.

Sometimes, disgust and anger reign supreme. In this case, every time the reality movie of this weekend reruns through my mind, I feel an intense desire to beat the shit out of him. I'm no saint, never claimed to be, and compassion/love only goes so far. 

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I gave a friend of mine an unexpected (on her part) piece of my mind this week that I fear will go down in the history books as a bad choice. Hindsight is always a fun mind avenue to entertain. I now feel that my reactions were based on the simple fact my perspective has been altered dramatically over the last month. With a friend murdered, dealing with my brother and various other oddities, my perspective overload spilled over into dealings with most people. So my normal reservations in giving personal opinion broke through the gates of nonjudgmental listening and I let her have it. Whoops.

The thing is, and I'll use one of her tragedies as an example, if the worst that is going on with a person is their spouse paid a bill 3 days late, or their Mother calls to ask how life is going (and that annoys friend) I'm probably not a good person to use as a sounding board right now.

It just takes a few bad experiences, a few rotten apples to roll across your path to really notice how bloody insignificant the majority of peoples complaints really are. There have been days lately that I would give anything to be simply worried about something as irrelevant as an argument, or an annoying person -friend-co-worker-family-neighbor..........

Bite my tongue, I told her to grow up, stop letting the little shit consume her time and energy. I suggested she should be grateful she has people who love her instead of constantly picking apart every single solitary thing they did. Yep, perspective overload runneth over. Our conversation did not end well.

Sometimes I think, some people would rather be miserable then find the good in each day. I do not comprehend this. What purpose does this serve? Even if something annoys me, I only need to look to 10 feet in front of myself to see things could be much, much worse. I think because I grew up with a Mother who's mantra was always "things could be much worse" if I sniffled or whined about something, I learned to look past little things that can irk or irritate a person. I don't think she was wrong. I really don't.

I give her credit for my mentality when it comes to looking at life's problems. How could I not.......she was the one, who through tears, watching her own son hauled away bloody and screaming by the police this weekend remarked, "it could have been worse, much worse"....................

** edit note after a few comments, my friend didn't know what happened this last weekend with my Brother. I typically keep all things about me, my life, the goings on to me, myself and I unless they are good things.**