Now that I've updated, revamped and used BIG BOLD TYPE on certain conditions of my upcoming personal funeral, (upcoming, as in it will happen someday, I still haven't found the magical elixir of life) paperwork, restrictions and instructions (I'm a writer, I like to get the last word in) ....I'm ready to attack my current irritations in the written avenue I'm accustomed~~
Deep breath, rewind, focus, write, review, let irritation rest in peace. Perhaps I just need the perspective of all the God fearing individuals who could understand the process of a Church funeral here. Or perhaps I just want to rant and rave and spew forth heathen babble that will ensure my passage into a mythological hell I regard as complete fairy tale rubbish.
The thing is, I've now attended 2 funerals in 5 months. The first one was conducted in a funeral home and I thought it was beautiful. It was personal, it was about a fabulous man, his life, his devotions, his world.........The second one, this week, was conducted in a Church and by the time I had suffered through an elapsed time of 1 1/2 hours I was honestly disgusted. Obviously, I'm still carrying frustrated thoughts from this experience.
Here's my impression of this funeral. Sit, stand, pray, sit, listen to God wisdom, stand, sing some more, pray some more, sit, more God talk, stand again, pray again, more talk about God, toss in some Jesus smack, ( I'm starting to wonder if they will ever mention the person who's funeral we are there for) let us sit again, more voodoo and scare tactics uttered, stand, more singing.....sit, One mention of persons name (to my utter relief) , more praying, up, down, up, down, a reading here and a reading there, sing some more, pray some more...........finally and presto, we have a eulogy about the person we are all there for.......thankfully......and then we are right back to up and down with a grand finale of watching people drink blood and flesh of Jesus, more singing, more praying...Yaaahoooo......
So, it's true, I'm still appalled and shaken by the manner in which this person was murdered. I am still sickened, as all of the people who were effected by this tragedy, and have thought about it a lot. Perhaps a wee bit of my hostility about said situation is leaking into this entry and my opinions of this specific funeral. The fact is, she is gone, and we can all look back on such a situation and find questions, meaning and purpose. There's a thousand lessons to be learned by such a tragedy and reasons, whether you believe in God or not, will never come easy. But I'm not writing about those today.......
So what I want to know, what perplexes dear little Moi, is why such an event is not actually about the person for whom we are there for? Why does the Church mandate and overshadow a persons life in a such a manner? You can slice and dice the sermon (multiple at that) anyway you please, but it still boils down to being how God raised his exuberant hand in taking this person 'home.'...(even though she, as everyone else, was a sinner) That God, what a nice man he is~
I honestly would have believed I was at a regular Saturday night mass if it wasn't for the crying people, split second mentions of her name and the beautiful picture of her up front and center. What I want to know, is did that service really honor that person, her whole life. Because in my mind, it wasn't about her, it was about God and Jesus and she was a side note for the reason we were there. This irks the hell out of me......no pun intended.
Maybe all the God fearing folks were most satisfied, comforted and thoroughly enlightened (or scared shitless into never missing another week of Church) by the end of the service. Maybe I'm the selfish one for wanting the time to be about her, her accomplishments during the time she was alive, her family and her world. I am thankful a family member read a eulogy and gave us that brief remembrance of her. I admit, I wanted more.......
This entry isn't meant to offend others. Typically I keep my writing and mouth shut about such things, it's always a lose, lose battle.... I make an honest effort to understand and accept certain ways, but this recent example of Church has me tossed upside down.........Maybe this funeral was just the icing on the cake from the heckling I've endured lately from the tyrant God Mamma's at my daughters school and I can no ignore the scarlet S on my forehead.
But GoodGod in heaven, what the hell.............
21 comments:
LOL. Yeah, but they were saved. I just attended one of those a few weeks ago. Very strange. It seems like the dead person is just a reason for people to get up and say "I'm saved" and a whole bunch of whatever. I think they should just but a mannequin in there instead. ~ Mike
I think the Church's pomp and circumstance during funerals is basically to say "This will be you someday, so get your shit in order and give us some money. And, lest you forget: BOO!"
When I'm dead, all I want people to say is that I made them smile more than I've made them cry. Everything else is pretty much meaningless to me.
-Dan
http://journals.aol.com/dpoem/TheWisdomofaDistractedMind/
First off, I want to offer my condolences that you had to say goodbye to two people in your life. ((((())))).
I am Catholic, and I'm going to assume you were speaking about a Catholic funeral, which, even I admit, can get a bit over absorbant, instead of the whole point, which is to celebrate the one that you loved, that you lost. (bad grammer there, I know). But I have been to some really beautiful Catholic funerals, so try to not let this one taint your image of them all. Granted, beautiful funeral, to me, seems like an oxy moron, or some kind of irony that no one enjoys.
Either way, you didn't offend me, just offering my opinion as well.
Hugs,
Heather
http://singingwithmyheart.blogspot.com/
Hi Rebecca,
Heartfelt condolences on your two recent losses. I do assume that the second funeral was a Catholic Mass. Being Irish ex-Catholic (virtually every Irish person I know is Catholic) I recognise the ritualistic 'workout'. Each funeral is virtually the same, a death shrouded in the words and rituals of death, from which, believe it or not, some people do take comfort from. Not me! I have often felt that the person who has died has been cloaked in ritual so as to almost hide the fact that they are dead and gone. Its not fair. To be fair, there are some Catholic funerals where the priest and family give lengthy eulogies, but it does seem to depend on the ablilities of the priest to empathise with the person and their family. It helps if they know them personally! Death is a dirty word these days, But it would be nice if you could think that you would get a good send off.
Maybe you could tell us a little bit about the person who died recently! You could make it up to her, perhaps?
Kate.
http://journals.aol.co.uk/bobandkate/AnAnalysisofLife/
After two knee surgeries, I've got a note from my doctor excusing me from Catholicism.
Sorry... I just had to add that in there.
-Dan
http://journals.aol.com/dpoem/TheWisdomofaDistractedMind/
Ex-Catholic reporting in. Hate the masses, funeral and non alike. Long, wayyyyy too much up and down and the body of Christ is like styrofoam. Seriously though, I strayed from the hipocracy I feel exist with Catholicism. X amount of priests are pedophiles, priests who are supposed to be worthy enough to spread the word of God. You're born a sinner and you'll die a sinner - heard that one a whole lot. Why all the rituals then? Baptize me to save me, but I'm still a sinner anyway, yup makes perfect sense. And yes, the focus of a funeral should be the celebration of the deceased not more sleep inducing retoric of why we NEED to serve penance for our lives, lives which will have their own end all too soon. Lives which should be celebrated alive and in passing.
Had the kids baptized under pressure but elected to forego the remaining 'sacrements'. Let them choose.
Condolences on your loss(es),
Tammy
http://lifeliveitormissout.blogspot.com
Yeah, the Catholics are certainly attached to their ritual and tradition. They do it that way because that's the way it's always been done. And besides, if they did something different, people would talk about them. And we can't have that. Pointing fingers and whispering is for us to do to others, not for them to do to us. Conformity is king.
Also, as you pointed out, any chance the church gets to get a bunch of people together in one place, they have to play their hell card. Repent or die, sinners! Don't you go to hell like (we won't say it out loud, but you all know this one did).
Christ, I hate religion. I'm sorry, was that ironic? Or just Blasphemous?
-Paul
http://journals.aol.ca/plittle/AuroraWalkingVacation/
Rebecca,
I always thought my funeral would be in a church. After all, most of the funerals I attended when I was young were in a church. My grand parents were in the Methodist church. My 9th grade classmate, Gerald was in a church, and the place was packed. My best friend, Bob was Catholic and his was in a funeral home. I guess his father didn't think he was a good enough boy to get into heaven. We had both Mom and Dads at a funeral home in Beaverton, Oregon. My Mother-in-law's was at the neighborhood bar/resturant here in Colorado. I liked hers the best. It was a real celebration of a very eventful life.
It's always sad when a life is taken. My condolences. I feel much the same way you do. Thanks for putting it in words.
David
It actually made me smile, your recitation of the "order of service". Sorry, not very appropriate. Religion is very personal, and is actually intended for people to be able to cope with things like the finality of death. It's not supposed to be a cult. Hope you feel better for writing this out.
Guido
http://journals.aol.co.uk/pharmolo/NorthernTrip
i am so sorry on the loss of 2 friends :( Funerals are always touchy in my opinion. MY daughters best friend lost her dad and we went to the funeral (Cath) it was like no other catholic funeral i have ever been to. He hated all of the rituals so the preist made sure that all knew this. It even had all of the football team get up in front of everyone and do a hawaiin war cheer. shocked alot of the old folks lol.
I think its great you are writing your own obit:)
Enjoy your weekend :) we have storm 8 and brr its cold outside
Deb
I'm so very sorry for the loss of your friends. Funerals suck. Some more than others. I've been to some that are very down to earth and personal, and others that were much like the way you've described.
Either way, it sure does hurt to lose someone.
Hug,
Michelle
I'm sorry to hear of the loss of your friend. I'm also sorry to hear that her service brought you no comfort. I don't think there's anything sadder than seeing somebodys final send-off being turned into a sales pitch. I don't care what religion it is, the person being remembered and honored ( and that IS what it's supposed to be about ) should be front and center. Preaching belongs to Sunday services, when people go to learn about 'The word of God.' A funeral is an opportunity for those of us who are left behind to say our final goodbyes ... not to be converted. Tina http://journals.aol.com/onemoretina/Ridealongwithme
I don't think I even want a funeral. My husband once said to me that he didn't want to be buried, and he didn't want a headstone to "mark his place" in this world. When I questioned him he said "I don't want you going to my grave and crying, and I know you would." He's right, too. I would. I think "fenerals" should celebrate life, not necessarily mourn death. Those who leave us behind are in a much better place than we are. They are walking among angels
~~Kath~~
Don't know that I've ever been to a funneral like the one you discribe. Perhaps it was her church or even her family who desired it be so. Down here, even at the funeral home the service is almost always led by a pastor. About 2/3rd of it is remembering the person. Touching stories. Funny stories. Life facts. There are tear jerking songs. A prayer. Usually the pastor tries to find some evidence in the person's life where they can assure the family and friends the departed knew Jesus and is in heaven. But I've been to one or two where they just couldn't. So they didn't mention that. There is always some verses from the Bible ment to comfort. And always some mention of how to make sure your destination is heaven. Sometimes simple and short. Sometimes a full course sermon. Me, myself.....I want nothing but joyous songs of Glory "Since Jesus Came Into My Heart" for example. And I want the Gospel preached to the crowd. I want the Truth told. If you know Jesus....I'll see you again......if you don't, this is Goodbye. - Barbara
You know, I've been to funeral Masses said for priests and it wasn't as horrid as you describe.
I think there are two concepts wedded in your post - one is your expectation of what a funeral should be (as it relates to the departed) and the other is an irritation and down right expression of anger about this church's view on what it means to be human.
In its stricteset sense, most Christian churches (Evangelical, Protestant, or Catholic) teach that our life is to be lived for the glory of God, not ourselves. As you flesh out that theologic concept, the inevitable end is that a life well lived is one lived for God, not yourself. It stands to reason that a funeral Mass in such a church would be centered around God, not the individual.
Of course, this is the cold, calculating logic of a Roman Catholic. ;).
I've always found the Rite of Christian Burial (A Roman Catholic rite) far more appealing and personal than an acutal funeral Mass. It's far more personal, intimate, and devoid of much of the pomp and circumstance that clouds our efforts to say goodbye and honor our loved ones.
I don't think your anger is really out of place. I think it's not simply anger at God, or the church, but also an expression of grief for the loss of your loved one, friend, or acquaintence.
Charley
Being a Catholic made me familiar with the funeral rites you mentioned. Yup, they can be a tad disconcerting especially when you are grieving. I am just hoping that it was what the departed wanted.
hmmm do you really want the answer to your question? perhaps your answer begins with the point that funerals are for the living not the dead. There are not enough hours in the day to review who and what a person meant to this life, no eulogy can explain the loss. Whether you believe in God or not the person is still gone, yet we sit in rows and pray, preach, speak and cling to ceremony in an effort to grasp the loss. In truth they are gone and we remain and use funerals to cope with the guilt of still being alive. by the way in the bible it tells "let the dead bury the dead" so God aint the author of funerals man is...and thats the rub.
Did you write about her somewhere else in your blog? How did she die? Murdered? by whom? I can understand your irritation. For one, I hate funerals. When I die, I dont want one. I want my ashes spead in my favorite place, the mountains and be done with it. Maybe this family that arrange it, needed a serious God fix or a mythological fix as you say, to deal with this tradegy. I couldnt even begin to gather a funeral for one of my children. When my baby boy died, I had his ashes burned and had no funeral. I can gain nothing from this type of display of mourning. I know some need the gathering of others but I do fine on my own and mourn my own way. I do regret not holding him in the hospital but I was afraid that the emotional grasp would be beyond another day of a smile. I was wrong on that. Time does get us through.
Sad to hear about her death. Sad to hear that there was little mention of her too. ~Raven
Hmm, I cannot help but comment on the accuracy of your impressions of church funerals. Mormon funerals are notorious to me for giving a Mormon Bishop or other official an opportunity to preach at least an hour while the congregation turns a long suffering ear. One of the worst in memory was when my own cousin preached at the mass funerals held for five members of one family who perished in a flaming car wreck. Only one little two year old who was thrown out survived, albeit with burns. My cousin decided he just could not keep from chastising the father of the bunch because they were all given to drink and were known heathens. The father and his brothers, who had never been Mormons, were extremely offended. We seized control of our Mother's hometown funeral and would not allow the Mormon Bishop to speak saying firmly we wanted the second counselor to speak who had known our mother all his life His sermon was wonderfully personal and many said it was a funeral to rememember, minus any preaching whatsoever!
I salute you for your good sense! Gerry
I don't know why you don't like this post? To me you made a valid point. I already know that I don't want to have my funeral be as you described. I don't even think I would want it at a church. I think when I die, I would request that my funeral held out side or at the funeral home.
Some church funerals included a lot about the person. Some, sadly, are as you describe. I hope your memories of good times can sustain you:) -- Robin (p.s., yeah, okay, so I'm catching up on my reading.)
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