Anna Nicole Smith. Britney Spears.
I mention those two in my journal today, because they are/were both people in trouble and in the constant media spotlight. Be it alcohol, drugs, pick your poison, they fell into 'it' and didn't get out.
Yet, I've read all these articles and entries and commentaries of people ridiculing the people who are around Anna Nicole and Britney for not helping. Howard K. Stern. Lynne Spears. Managers, friends, family etc.............all in the hot seat for not fixing these darlings, not getting them "help" not curing them or steering them away from the bowels of addiction.............
Help a person who is an addict? A true living breathing addict who's life is dictated by the poison of their choice. Help them? And blame family members and friends for not curing or saving an addict??
You have to be fucking kidding me.
I reserve the right to be a bitch for a moment. If you have never dealt with someone who is an addict, keep your blaming opinion to yourself. If you have never held a garbage can under the mouth of someone going through withdrawals and suffered next to them while they went through it, shut up. If you have never drove someone to rehab with all the hope your mind possesses only to have them leave rehab and step right back into drugs and alcohol, you have no right to judge from afar.
~If you have never been hurt, punched, spit on, screamed at, kicked, stolen from, called collect from jail, sat through court for or by an addict...then shut it.
~If you've never picked a person up off a sidewalk laying in their own vomit, feared for your life, or one of your family members, hired an attorney for someone who is an addict, spent a holiday in a hospital, a suicide ward, a city jail, a rehab center, a mental hospital all typical places to visit an addict then save commentary for someone else.
~If you have never been thrown up on, taken a knife away from a person who is intentionally cutting themselves, called the police to have your loved one arrested, locked away or have the police pull you out of your bedroom window in the middle of the night to save your life from said addict in the house then reserve judgments, you're optimist suggestions don't count.
~Unless you've invested 10's of thousands of dollars trying to help someone, you're perspective is that of Candy Land mentality.
No offense, but those are the truths I've lived through, and I know other families of addicts have lived through. Read any book you'd like, watch any movie you choose, hear any story you want, but until you've lived face to face with it, you have no clue, notion or perspective of what it's really like. Period.
Oh sure, you can toss all sorts of brilliant idea's out that sound good in theory. Hell, we've tried them all with my brother, but alcohol reigns supreme and within it's dictatorship, our good intentions flounder in the shadows of wishful sobriety. Vodka's voice is louder then love and hope. Rum clears the path for all self destruction and self mutilation. Old English malt liquor provides the strength to transform my brother into a vicious piece of human with no regard to anything, anyone around him.
When you've tried everything available (I dare anyone to come up with one we haven't tried) to help someone such as my brother, you are left with empty bottles, broken hearts and a monster who masquerades as human being.
~~~~~~
The thing is, some time today, I have to go check on my brother. I need to go find out if he lived through the night. What a horrible truth to state, but it's the hard cold addiction facts. Truth be told, I'm shocked he's made it this long. The 32 year old man/boy I dealt with yesterday is a mere shell of a human. I don't believe in a Godly hell, but I have no doubt my brother is deep in the darkest reaches of a personal hell a person could be. He is a nonfunctioning alcoholic who has taken his sickness to the most inner reaches of insanity an addict can go. The only way out for him now is death or personal choice of sobriety.
Thats the cold hard fact. The only possible way to for an addict to come back is through personal choice. No matter how many people try to help, or think they have helped, or dare to even take credit for helping, it's up to the addict to actually do it, and follow through. It's that simple.
I've lost my brother to alcohol. My true brother, the one I used to fish with and tease and beat the crap out of and hug and love. That boy is long gone and I'm not sure if I'll ever see him again.
At this point, and with this entry, I give myself pardon. If he hasn't made it through the night, or if he dies tomorrow, or next week, or in a year from now, I know I did everything in my power to help him. I know addiction was more powerful then love and hope and help and family and life. I know addiction was the God, the dictator, the circus leader in this entire tragedy. And when he finally dies from his hellish world of addiction, I will gladly tell anyone to fuck off if they imply or question that I or my parents didn't do enough to help him, we didn't support him enough, or love him enough and willingly let him slip away.
Most of all, I will always cling to the memory of the Brother I once had.
I love you Ben. Up camping with my little bro when we were still innocent~~~~~~~
27 comments:
I know how you feel.
Hugs, my friend. No, I do not know how you feel so I will not even go there. All I can do is read what you have to say and tell you that you can e-mail me if you ever need anything.
I understand completely, and in trying to blame those close to an addict, I think people overlook how they are also blaming the victim. A family undergoes a Sisyphean-effort in trying to help.
-Dan
http://journals.aol.com/dpoem/TheWisdomofaDistractedMind/
I have not been there, so cannot comment other than to agree with what you say from the outset.
I don't think you missed one step of what we go through in battling a loved one's addiction. My last stop was Al=Anon and to finally believe the words of the Serenity prayer. God grant you the "Wisdom to know the difference" There are so many of us who understand and care. Prayers for you, your family and your brother
I agree with you 100 percent-when they are ready the "teacher" will appear and they will get the help they need-and it is NEVER too late-my Mom had 7 years of sobriety before she died and she was one of the worst drunks you could be~don't give up hope for your brother-he is on his own journey and needs to learn what he has to learn.
God Bless Rebecca!
So sorry that this is happening to him and to you. Hugs. Terry x
Man, you just brought back some painful memories. Not that they're not at the surface all of the time.
I know where you are coming from.
The hardest part for me is not to blame my husbaand and not to blame myself. It is my choice to take care of myself the best I can so I dont' become bitter and mean.
I also have to listen to people who say,"just leave him"
They dont' know that being an alchoholic is only one deminsion of the man. He is still a loving husband and fater, just one with a disease.
Marti
Rebecca, my heart breaks for you.
I do know the struggles of addiction--I lost my fiancee to suicide in July '03. He had serious addiction issues, and that was part of his suicide. Vodka & pills are a deadly and lethal combination. I am so sorry that you are going through this with your brother. I will say a prayer that he will hit rock bottom, ask for, and get the help that he needs & deserves. If you need anything, please don't hesitate to email me. I am here if you need it.
Hugs,
Heather
Great entry, Rebecca. Very touching and hopefully educational for some.
Absolutely spot on! If you haven't dealt with an addict, you have no concept.
http://journals.aol.com/astaryth/AdventuresofanEclecticMind/
http://adventuresofaneclecticmind.blogspot.com/
Amen. Unless you've lived with addiction, there's no way to know that "Helping" someone is next to impossible. "Being there" is the best I can do at this point.
~~Kath~~
trying to save the life of another is a huge blessing on your behalf! Even though he is your brother ,your heart won't let you turn your cheek or fill your mind with excuses not to take action.
His priorities are all rearranged...yours are not!
May you win this battle, just like you always won all of your pillow fights!
Peace and Blessings with you...Marc :)
I am so sorry:( i have added your brother to my prayers:) you are right its awful to have someone you love be addicted to alcohol or drugs. And i agree you can't make them stop they have to decide that for them selves Have a good Sunday
Deb
Simply...
Agreed.
Rebecca, my heart is with you as are my thoughts. Powerful words Rebecca.
Peace
Jodi
From experience, I know how right and true your words ring... There is so much greiving and mourning when someone you love, and knew so differently for so many years, succumbs to addiction. You feel so powerless, so far away and helpless.
And angry.
Wishing on a star for a brighter tomorrow. For you, for him, for anyone suffering through this terrible disease.
Michelle
Too right.
And beyond the hell of an addicts existence is the destruction and ruin it leaves in its wake. If anyone feels that the addict is the only person suffering from the torment of their personal poison they have never seen the broken families, crushed hearts, and depressed minds and bodies of those that have given of themselves to be there for their loved one completely.
All you can do is endlessly put yourself forth, in love, to hope one day the addict makes a personal choice.
As a person who tempts and toys with addictions of his own I want to thank you for taking a stand. That is often hardest to do when addiction sinks its swet teeth into your family.
After my girlfriend Ashleigh died I went through a hardcore stage of denial which I still suffer from at times, I still won’t visit her grave. Then I crawled into a bottle and took up a horrible drug who’s ingredients most people won’t keep under their sink. Thankfully I stopped my drug usage after all my friends (dealers and cooks) got caught and sent to prison but the bottle is always going to be around. The truth is people dig that hole addiction for a reason, and no matter how many people are on the surface reaching down to help you out you won’t stop digging till you choose to or reach rock bottom and can’t dig any further. It’s a sad truth some people don’t live long enough to reach rock bottom, but all you can do is take a step back from their hole and wait for them to cry out for help and hope that their hole won’t be their grave. I hope your brother wises up and solves his conflicts but until then my heart is with you. Be patient and ready. I apologies for the long winded comment that subject hits home. Best wishes, Sebastian.
That's why there is almost as many Anon programs as there is Anonymous. People don't understand normally and even with help it's hard for many to grasp. ~ Mike
How very sad, and such an old sad story. I am with you on this one. I just had to stop my memoirs for awhile becaue I read ahead and ran into a dreadful day, a very low point in my Dad's downward spiral toward certain death. He was one who did decide to live, I don't know why or how, but in his forties he started shutting his drinking down. But he was still an alcoholic capable of relapsing at critical times and hurting others. I have seen death, I have seen people stop for a while, and I have seen people stop for good. But there can be a lot of miseerable years for family members who are trying everything they can. I found this entry to be very moving. You are a gifted writer. This presents the complex picture of addiction. It really does rob you of everything. I have had to withdraw from Doc. Distance myself. And it sounds like you have had to do so, too, in order to save yourself. I am so sorry becausse you are still in pain, no matter what, and will be to the end of it, one way or another. Gerry
Amen. I so agree (and, have sometimes been in your position). Of course you love him, have tried. Forget those who do not know. You have nothing to be pardoned for. Please be at peace. And, I also pray that his internal hell eases up some. http://journals.aol.com/ceilisundancer/RandomThreads/ -- Robin
Um...{low whistle}
My heart and best thoughts, I cannot even imagine. I do see your point, though I'm just tired of the two being permanant fixtures in the news line-up. 'Give them and all of us a break for the love of Pete' is what I want to shout to the media gods. Enough already.
Snail's on it's way....
Tammy
http://lifeliveitormissout.blogspot.com
I never did any of those things with my brother who was an addict. My only wound is him stealing money which didnt happened enough for me to be pissed at him but he finally got clean but prison forced no choices, and hes been doing well for a year. Do you have any ideas why your brother chooses to be "away?" I believe my brother chose to be "away" because of my fathers ridicule. I also think my brother was lazy back then and didnt want to work. He is also ADHD so he could never sit through one movie growing up. I also think he was catered to by my dad when young and then thrown in a shame fire by my dad when he was an older teenager with bad grades. Jekyl and Hyde upbringing where me and my sister had a whole childhood of fear.
Your brother has to figure out why he wants to be "away" and then hopefully, make a decision one day to believe in tomorrow. I write that softly Rebecca, because I am not quite there in that epiphany but I do have some hope left.
You and your family have extended hope, sacrifice and efforts over and over and in return, your brother is the same or maybe he appears to be the same, but somewhere deep inside something will click, and he will change. Hoping the best. When I was looking at the photo, I just started crying. So many times, I would like to jump into past photos and send some screaming warning sign, that its going to be like this or that, so dont or do....I wish with all of my being, that he will finally, exit his "away" and hold onto the unknown with enough hope needed to walk away from inward hiding. ~Raven
I completely agree I have encountered atticted personallities in my personal and proffessional life and it is heart breaking to watch them fall apart knowing there is nothing you can do. The only person who can help an addict is themselves all those who care about them can do is hope and show them there is more out there for them. They have to want help before help works.
Debbie xxx
Wow, I can't imagine what you're going through, it sounds really tough. I think you're right with what you said though, some people have no idea what it's like and I can see how you feel that way. My aunt is an alcoholic and although my father and I have never had to do some of the things that you have had to, we have to spend everyday knowing that she is in the state that she is and not doing (and not willing to do anything) about it. It's like watching someone slowly die.
Right on! This recovering addict can attest: no one gets anybody else sober. The willingness of the addict to ask for help--not money for drugs, or things--is essential to his or her recovery. Sometimes an intervention works, but after the first try, it's up to the addict. There is no reason in the world friends and family should feel guilty about anything, You help those you are willing to help themselves, otherwise you step aside, protect yourself and your children, and grant the alcoholic or addict the dignity or indignity of his own journey--even if it means jail or death. AA is there for the asking for anybody, it doesn't cost anything, and it has worked on the worst cases imaginable. But it has to be chosen by the alcoholic. There is very little anyone can if someone is not willing to do the work except pray for them.
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