Landing (Thankfully)

       On my way home from California this week I had a nice little jostle to the mind. Now, traveling by airplane requires the extremely careful practices I've established via thousands of air miles.

       First and foremost, I must sit on the right side of the airplane, against the window. Careful positioning is my only chance at being able to scribble, write and entertain myself. If I sit on the right side of the plane I can shield my writing from whoever sits shoulder to shoulder with me. If I sit on the left side, whomever sits on my right <which always happens> can sneak glances and peaks at my work. I don't appreciate that natural human tendency, peeking.

       Second, the minute I sit down I extract an arsenal of hints to display to anyone who sits next to me. The Ipod comes out and although I can't turn it on, I put the headphones in, a book on my lap, and a journal in my hands. I would like to think this screams, "I'm all set to fly for 2 hours, I have my entertainment and therefore no idle chit chat is required." I'm not sure if it makes me a flying snob, but I really don't want to engage in conversation on airplanes. Some people do not grasp my hints. The thing is, I'm far to hyper to be trapped in such tiny confinements for such torturous time frames. If I don't entertain myself via writing, music and window gazing, I'll go a bit nutso. Conversation, especially bad conversation, just drags the seconds out longer and longer.

       Now, typically I enjoy a bit of turbulence. It tickles my amusement ride mentality. It doesn't bother me in the least. I consider it a bonus usually, which either makes me twisted in the head or just proves how bored I am flying. This last trip home gave me loads of turbulence for my flying amusements. However, at one point it got worse then the normal bumps and jumps I'm accustomed too. I was attempting to write at the time and once I could no longer maintain a straight sentence I wrote (looking in my handwritten journal) "ok the airplane turbulence is getting a bit irritating here, Bye Bye Birdie" and closed up shop.

       But then.....as the bumps and jumps became all out jars and shimmies, I opened my journal up again. Visions of the plane going down by the head into a nice Mountainside flashed across the mind, I couldn't let my last sentence in life be "ok the airplane turbulence is getting a bit irritating here, Bye Bye Birdie"

       So I started to scribble again and my next sentence was "On the other hand, I should keep paper and notebook close in case we go down and I have 10 seconds of terrifying moments to leave remarkable last thoughts......."

       Last thoughts. Double Gulp. It was within that sentence I thought, holy shit, I have a lot of unresolved things. Coupled with another nasty hard bump by the plane I slightly panicked. The truth is my panic wasn't about dying, I've never, ever, been afraid of that. I've always pictured I would face death with a defiant bring it on attitude. My panic was about other people. Friends, family, the people I love. In hindsight I find it comforting to know that once I let myself think it was a possible in the moment, death, my entire thoughts were consumed with the love I felt towards others.

       I don't talk a lot about l.o.v.e. I think thats because although I embrace it, always have, to it's fullest, I haven't honored it the way love deserves. Hence my unresolved issues. That doesn't sit well with me. When I strip down all the nonsense in my life, I know the majority of my thoughts, my actions, my turmoil's, my choices, resolve directly around the great expanse of love. In my world, love trumps everything else. No matter how I role the dice, the love side always lands right side up. What is more real then love?

       If love really is a person last thoughts before taking their last breath in life then what could be more important? Today, I can't really think of anything. 

      
I suppose I'm just thinking out loud today..........it does a mind good to be jostled around a bit.

       The last words in my journal ended up being,
"Landing (thankfully) no dire writing required"

love is more thicker than forget
more thinner then recall
more seldom than a wave is wet
more frequent than to fail

it is most mad and moonly
and less it shall be unbe
than all the sea which only
is deeper than the sea

love is less always than to win
less never than alive
less bigger than the least begin
less littler than forgive

it is most sane and sunly
and more it cannot die
than all the sky which only
is higher than the sky

e.e. Cummings