Each Our Own

"It is those negatives that always stand out. Always. Why?
Many reasons, for each are our own."
Jodi~~Looking Beyond the Cracked Window(deux)

True to my personal nature, my previous entry has been another burr in my brain since I posted it. Since then, I've been demanding my thoughts to come up with something, anything that I could segway to and push it down from the front and center position on my journal. Jodi provided just the ticket for me, thank you girl!

It's the inner critic in me thats an uncontrollable beast I've yet to learn to shove into a closet and lock the door. In me, it seems to be the loudest, most obnoxious aspect to my inner workings. It morphs into all forms ugly, it materializes at the most inconvenient times and typically manages to bully all good thoughts into the corner to hide.

For Example: This last 12 days in the Wilderness- Internal Daily Rebecca Dialogue

Your going to have a heart attack and die walking up this cliff of a mountain
Yes, well, your sentences are too long and confuse people
Oh shut up, I have more important things to conquer right now
Your grammar sucks and you'll probably trip on a few extra adjectives going up this hill
Does life flight come save people who lay down on a mountain side and refuse to climb anymore?
Well maybe if you told them in short sentences and pronounce your nouns correctly they'll consider it
Shove off critic, we're going to be bear food if we don't make it off this Mountain
You should write an entry to everyone, just to explain your lack of perfection on your journal
Seriously, I told you to shut up 900 feet down the hill and I really don't feel like thinking about anything but a nice warm fire right now
Now you know how people feel when you write a sentence thats 900 feet long
I'm dying, I'm wilderness hike kill, first the wolves will naw on me and then the bears will feast on my scraps
Everyone will say, "There's the bones of that girl who didn't use spell check"
Yes well, I'll be able to bounce a quarter off my ass from the work out I'm getting this week (positive thinking)
Who cares about an ass if you write random crap that makes no sense
If I live to walk off Purgatory Mountain I swear I'm shoving you in a shallow grave
Just make sure you use good grammar, spelling and sentence structure on my gravestone
Shut up

I'm not joking. All because I read one sporadic comment on my journal at 5:00 am the morning I left. Twisted, I know, but there nonetheless.

Now, because I admit all this here, it would almost appear I'm a rather insecure person who needs approval from all directions or I crumble into a ball of wound licking emotions. When in reality, I have always felt I have strong character, self assured, confident and I do all things without the need of approval from others.

So why in the hell do I let little irritants like something I take as negative, harass my mind like I do? Is it a generic human nature issue? A self absorbed issue? Jodi say 'for each our own' reasons. And it is that question I propose to myself. Is it the perfectionist in myself, in others, that creates the unmanageable beast of critic thinking? I wonder, do men participate in mental harassment like us woman do? <alittle insight would be nice guys>

A person I know and trust told me once that I am beyond ruthlessly hard on myself. I nodded in agreement, I know I am. If I go the politically correct direction, I glance at my childhood and draw a nice big blank. Nope, the parents didn't beat perfection, expectations nor put me down while growing up. They were just the opposite, encouraging without obligation, cheerleaders without expectation. So there goes that reasoning.

I'm not a pleaser person who jumps to make others happy at my own expense. But I would do anything I could in my power to help another in need. So I know my issue isn't about what others think or believe about me. I would never crack on someone else, but I have no problem tying my own hands to a whipping post and going to town. This part of me is frustrating. Can someone inform me at what developmental stage does that shitty part of the human mind ease up at? 35? 40? 50? 80 or on my death bed? Did I miss the day they passed out critic mercy cards?

Jodi proposes we each have our own reasons for blowing up the negatives, giving them their own pedestal to radiate from and harboring them within. I suppose I'm still searching for my personal reason why I perform such circus mind acts. Perhaps I need that shrink afterall :o)