Does Not Accept

This is a banner week. I've been home for 5 days and this will be a 3rd entry in one month. I'm rolling the dice of normalcy. I've puttered around my home, attempted normal behavior for a woman my age, and even went to work. I'm sure once I fall back into the rhythm of routine I won't feel so out of place, but for now I'm a fidgeting soul.

       If I place tiny words to the feelings I have, I come up with one notion. I feel like I've been on an amusement ride for 8 months and it's just pulled up to a yanking stop. The toothless carnival men are shoving me down the steps and I'm still glancing longingly at my old seat. I'd like to purchase another ticket, but know I need to wait awhile before I embark on my next ride. As always, I just need my beautiful watchtowers of time to align once again with my desired destinations.

       I loved my travels and believe I've given my daughters many unforgettable memories. I took trips both alone and surrounded with others. It was the final 12 days that I spent the majority of my time in solitude. Although surrounded in the evening by a mob of male hunting buddies, I spent my entire days wandering through the Frank Church Wilderness, alone, testing both my mind and body.

       Putting yourself in such an environment is a bit of a catch-22. A person can deeply appreciate the beauty of ones surroundings and be wholeheartedly fearful the next moment. The area I traversed is so dense I could never see 40 yards behind or beyond the canvas of trees. A little matter of wolves making their presence known at all times added to an already eerie feeling. Wolves are loud, singers of impending kills and final dinner bells. Daily they splinter off from their main packs and communicate by howling in the winds. For a single person like me creeping through the Forrest, the symphony would grind on each and every nerve I possessed.

       By the time I would arrive soaked from the rain, snow, sleet and bankrupt of all nerves back at camp, I was ready to claim human inability to walk and sleep in the next day. Every night my resolve to go on another day would be depleted. Thoughts of giving up, idea's of feigning sick would march across my mind. Yet, eachmorning I would get up, stand beside the Wilderness posting sign, and dive off to the bottom all over again. I pushed myself and it felt good. I convinced myself I could continue and I did.

       I can't count the amount of times every part of my body would shut down, quit, and pretend dead halfway up a Mountain. Every part but one, my mind. I realized that no matter what the situation, our divine minds will do what it takes to get us past the things we think we cannot do.

       I suppose my mind had an easy time convincing my muscles that it's either make it to camp, or be wolf kibbles. But the sentiment is the same. It's comforting to know this powerful source of inspiration I carry around. I know in the future, maybe tomorrow, maybe in a year, maybe many years from now, I will be faced with things that will kindle idea's of giving up. I know if all things about me shut down, lose hope, there is one part of me that will never throw in the white towel. A piece of me that does not accept exhaustion, or play parlor games with defeat. There's comfort in that knowledge. 

I just need to remember..... always trust in it~~~


       
Note: That picture is the actual jumping off point for me. Wilderness, for those in more civilized area's, means- no roads for hundreds of miles-no motorized vehicles, EVER <unless you want a huge federal fine> only accessed by foot or horse. I hiked to the third ridge back and covered the majority of the country in that picture. A beautiful place for a creative mind like mine. I gave all the ridges and Mountains pet names. Designations like Purgatory Lane, Dante's Peak, Hell, The Abyss, Mother F### Butte, Wolf Kitchen, and so on........