The Puzzle Of Parent

       Yesterday I attended the funeral of a man I never met, the husband of a woman I've long considered a mentor of mine. What struck me the most during his service was how the family spoke so highly of his devotion to both his children, and the children who were lucky enough to call him grandfather, uncle, neighbor, teacher, and friend. At the end of his service we were treated to a video that showed the years of this mans life, from the long Beatles style hair to his final chemo reduced bald head and almost every single picture contained this man covered, surrounded and engaged with children. Starting with his own babies all the way to tiny grandchild playing on his hospital bed with him. To both a human and a mother like me, it was absolutely beautiful.

       I don't get it. I do not, or cannot comprehend where this type Father figure, parental role model from a male gender, has fallen to the wayside in my current day and time. Maybe if it was handed to me specifically, my own individual battle with the man who can claim birth certificate rights on my daughters paperwork, I could possibly believe I just picked the lemon out of the bunch. But I hear it from other Mothers, I see it all around my circle of influence and friends, and my previous job was a daily peek into the sad dynamics of families.

       I asked my X-husband recently, " Why exactly was it that you gave yourself permission to just be dad by title and remove yourself from an actual parental role?" His eye's slanted, a sure sign of irritation, he swallowed several times thinking about my question and how he could avoid my possible word trickery and ultimately decided playing stupid was his best chances. He said, " I don't know what you mean."

       I explained to him that in my world, a dad doesn't show up on time, a parent does. In my opinion a dad blows off performances and games to work, a parent doesn't. In my mind, a dad doesn't help financially support their child, but a parent will give their last nickel to make sure their child has something they need. In my optimistic approach I would believe a dad would stay in a job, city, world and let their children slip away from them in honor of money or other self involved reasons, claiming no choice and a parent would move to the ends of the earth working for a garbage company in order to spend as much time with their child as possible. In my idealistic fantasy land, a dad entertains on their scheduled time with the help of Chuck E. Cheese and Cable TV, a parent will look their child in the eye and talk about their day, friends, school and life. And most importantly, a dad will either by choice or show of actions let their children know how unimportant they really are in his life, and a parent will show a child exactly how important, how much they love them and how he has made his children #1 priority in his life. And on and on..............

       My speech was of course absorbed with the usual 'if I run she can't get me and I won't have to worry about it until my next visitation' demeanor my X likes to cower under. Fine, but the fact is I will never stop fighting for my daughters, even with him. Because when it comes down to it, I know they miss him, need him, want him, but his time is running out as they get older. Only he's too stupid and self absorbed to realize it. It was much easier when they were younger to cover for him, but as I always assumed, the truths would come out and his are starting to stink to high heaven. I never had to mention a word to my daughters in the process............

       A friend of mine, a stay at home Mom of 6 years was informed last month by her soon to be X-husband that he was tired of coming home to her. She was mundane and just a Mom. He never understood why she wouldn't hire a nanny to watch the kid like his high power female coworker did for her 4 children. My friend devoted her previous 6 years to raising their son, and supporting him while he worked to create a business.

       He barely earned the title absent Father, always saying, "As soon as the business is running good I'll be home more, we'll take vacations, I'll put more effort into being a Husband and a Father." As soon as..........as soon as..........life isn't ran on some sort of 'as soon as' I complete this task guideline! She had a feeling it was coming, but what she did not see was this. After his first initial consultation with the divorce lawyer and upon spying the financial repercussions of his choice, he suddenly has a 50/50 custody request of parental rights. For the man who hasn't taken the time to be home on a single one of his child's birthdays in 4 years, this is most disgusting in my humble opinion.

       So why am I mumbling about this today? I spent the evening fresh from a beautiful tribute to a man who devoted his life to child and I just kept asking myself why........why does men like my X-husband, my friends soon to be X and so many other men we all know in our lives regard Fatherhood as an interchangeable job? Do it when it's convenient, when it fits his needs, when it's not messing up dates, or their job or the personal lives they created separate from the one that includes children?

       I'm both an idealist and a realist. I know it's not easy when you have visitations and custody schedules. I know that no matter what, in a divorced family no one will have a 100% daily influence in their child's lives. But aren't kids worth striving for that 100% mark the best we can? I know it's not just men/dads, I'm perfectly aware there are Mothers out there that exhibit the same tendencies I've written about in absent Dads. For the Fathers that have custody of their children full or part or are happily married and show their children what a real parent, Father, is all about I both applaud that and admire it beyond imagination. In my perspective that is priceless and I hope these men realize what a beautiful thing they are doing by being a real Father.

       The need inside me to be a parent is just as strong now as when they were safely inside me during pregnancy. It has never diminished or quieted with time. How does with any gender, a parent become a distant part of their childs life? How does this come about, or is allowed, or acceptable?? (Note: Obviously I am not including drunks, druggies, criminals, abusers and any other vise that falls into the 'you lose your parental rights card' in honor of protecting child)

       I know I'm one of the lucky kids, and maybe it's because of the era I grew up in, but I have a Father that was always there for me, in every single way, still is. Perhaps today I am just sad that my daughters have never had that. There are many things I have a hard time grasping, holding, understanding and this subject is in a world of its own. I know every single hair on my daughters head, I know what each single separate smile on my daughters faces mean and I know in an instant what they are feeling by they way their eye's look. But my X, he never took the time or interest to care and that is a puzzle of choice I cannot find an answer for.

       How does ANY parent emotionally and physically check out of a childs life? I have pounded that square peg mercilessly into a round hole and no matter how I try, look at it, manipulate it, I cannot understand it.

       I have found comfort in realizing my X had the choice. He's had it from the moment they were born. He had the choice to make them a priority, he's always had the choice to show them love and security. He's always had the choice to schedule his life around them rather then try to schedule the girls into his life. He's always had that choice and the only power I've ever held was giving/showing him the opportunity.

       I wonder if my X realizes that if he were to pass away today, at his funeral the only achievements he would be praised for is his fine work ethic and ability to hold the roof up at the local tavern until it closed, his friends would be so proud............sad.      

A Pit Stop

       Since I am basking in a two day reprieve at home, I thought it was finally time to eradicate my previous entry, and replace it with something, anything, that doesn't reek of forlorn and misery. It was careless and rude of me to leave such parting words when I wasn't going to be around to follow up. I apologize to those whom I worried.

       The facts. This has been a very strange year for me. Unlike any I've ever waded through before. Starting with a surgery in January that knocked me for a loop. Another medical issue in March that essentially pushed both my mind and my well being over the edge of reasonable control. What I now view as reactive instinct, I took off. Literately. As soon as I was well enough to board a plane or drive a car I was gone.

       Things are kind of blurred together now, but I know I have been in Washington, Oregon, California, Mexico, Utah, Montana, Wyoming, Nebraska, Yellowstone National Park, and through a few of those places more then once and of course around Idaho. The longest stretch I've been home since the end of last March was I believe 5 whole days during July, which killed me. During those days I felt like a trapped bird.

       I haven't worked <my real job> I haven't wrote <my book workings> I haven't participated in a single responsible thing this year. For the analytical curious types, I assure, I never won the lottery, but I am self employed, made enough $ in 2005 to tide me over for an extended time, throw in some residual income I have each month and it's a deliberate recipe for the freedoms I create. Maybe thats too much information, but it's a scenario I dreamed about many years ago, and it's finally come to a point where I can up and leave in a days notice and travel far and wide for as long as I wish. It took work, and thought, and I'm actually proud of the opportunities I built for myself.

       During my travels I've had an abundance of thinking time. I've had beautiful days, and downright shitty days. I've had plain old ordinary days and days words can't describe because they were so divine. I've mended some broken thoughts in my mind and cleared some issues that have plagued me for more time that I wish to admit.

       A turning point cameright after my previous entry <now deleted> A trip to Montana that both soothed my soul and mended the frayed edges of my mind. The things I wrote of, the things I needed to do, I did. Piece by piece I stacked myself back up, settled my internal compass and have found myself back on track, finally. That trip, I hold selfishly for myself...........

       Since my trip to Montana I've spent time hunting, thats right, I do more then just fly fish. If you're a member of P. E. T. A.  I would suggest skipping this next segment. First I spent a lot of time on the desert Antelope hunting. It was a successful hunt for me and I enjoyed the solitude and stationary stance that type of hunting provided. Next, I went to Nebraska for Antelope, an unsuccessful hunt that got changed quickly into an Elk hunt in Idaho.

       Until yesterday, I have been walking miles and miles everyday, standing on top ridges, climbing domineering mountains, watching the most beautiful sunrises and sunsets. Playing cat and mouse with amazing bull elk and soaking up every second my beautiful partner in life, nature, can provide. I had chances to take a bull, but I kept passing. I wanted more time, I wasn't ready to come home to city life, bad angles, excuses I came up with every time not to notch an arrow. It's all good. I get to go back for another week or so this month.

       Two things happened while I was hunting. Fresh from my trip to Yellowstone and all that I carried lightly with me, I found inner peace. I found my smile again, and I feel like my mind is finally clicking along like it used too. It wasn't until this last week that I realized sometime, a while ago, my mind had stopped thinking in it's imaginary tones.
      
       When I'm good, when I'm all right, my mind is a floating river of idea's and thoughts. Idea's for writing line up and march across my thoughts day in and day out. Like a person who wakes up one morning blind, my mind woke up many months ago devoid of creative notions and possibilities. While I was walking those mountains, moments kept creeping up where I would have killed for pen and paper. I hadn't realized that where I used to never go anywhere without my writing journal, I hadn't been carrying it withme since the beginning of the year. Now, I can't stop writing................I can see the words again!

       Tomorrow I leave again, Washington/Oregon, and I have other trips planned this month. I think, that around November sometime, it will be time to hibernate at home for a while. Until then, I'm off enjoying what life has to offer me right now..........

It's all good, It's all good~