A Deal is a Deal

A deal is a deal
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As the memorable line from the show Sex and the City says, "Squirrels are just rats with a designer outfit." I subscribe to that thought. I live in a historical district in my city. Meaning our houses are all old and partially decrepit, but they hold historical history and cost too much, so that makes them speee-cial supposedly.

One of the bonuses of such a neighborhood is old, huge trees which are pretty to look at, horrible to clean up after and play treehouse to ancestral generations of rats with designer outfits.

The little buggers are starting to really irk me. First and foremost, they have shredded and dismantled the majority of my outdoor furniture. When the leaves are off all the trees I can look to the skies and see pieces of my outdoor furniture hanging off the branches.

I understand that they don't quite appreciate that they have 100 bucks of stuffing up in their nest, but they could at least hide the fact they have once again gotten the better of my stuff. I thought I was being smart this last fall when I took down, and tarped my big old patio furniture umbrella to protect it from the weather and the squirrels. Nope, nadda, uncovered it yesterday and discovered the varmints had snuck in and shredded it's beautiful fabric.

Thieves I tell ya......I left one of my shirts outside last fall for a whole hour and then couldn't find it, <don't ask>, low and behold, I see it's hanging 40 feet up in a tree this winter.

I swear, I've tried to make peace with them. I erected a 'squirrel' platform in order to feed them nutritious delights I have to buy special from the local rat store. It's one of those 'thangs ya just gotta do in the neighborhood'

They delight and devour whatever I place in there <and in case your thinking I'm ruining their migration to the sweet tropics or Southern side of the street, I assure you, they NEVER leave no matter the weather> I'm a good food slave. You would think alittle respect could be had between me and the rats with fluffy tails.

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Rain. Idaho is bursting with rain lately. April showers bring May flowers is an understatement of downpouring proportions this year. Rain is dandy, it's the perfect enhancement to a sour mood, or a divine cleaner of spirit, depending on how your mood wishes to observe it on a case by casebasis. Fine, thats all well and good. But the problem arises when you have a specific little <irrational, I KNOW> phobia that is highlighted during such water induced days.

Specifically, damn ::shudder:: worms

My entire yard, patio's, sidewalks, gutters, undersides of outdoor furniture, you name it, it's crawling with worms attempting an escape from the water soaked dirt.

I am utterly <an appropriate adjective> under siege.

They have set up a barricade like no other around my house. Back to that whole crazy historical district, the problem is back in the 'day' no one had cars. Hence, garages were unnecessary and there isn't room to address that little problem, so the majority of us have to park in the street. Thats the price of buying charm and good solid walls.........I have to walk down a sidewalk to get to my cars.

I'm certain there is a conspiracy going on, all the local worms got together and decided it would be fun to freak the crazy lady out at 1628 and lay on her sidewalks.

Now, add one mischievous little 11 year old daughter and we've got ourselves a legit problem. Darling Kaitlyn just loveessss to torment me with worms. Although I've threatened life and every imaginable toy and enduring bone in her body, she tests the strength of my threats with daily worm inventory, jokes, showings and holding.

We get up, she races down the sidewalk and comes back to report the largest earth worms she's ever seen are in my path. She gets me anxiety ridden before I open the door. She loves it, I want to throttle her.

Not to mention she's started her own worm farm out back and has been stealing my used coffee grounds for food for them. Just what I need, a smorgasbord for the local worms to go right along with the buffet for the local rats with good outfits.

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So I'm standing in the line at a convenience store to buy my coveted Diet Coke. Nothing extraordinary about that, except I hear this little voice behind me say..."nice ass" to which I turned around and look at the man behind me while he contentedly stared at the floor. So, I thought, maybe I was imagining things.

Then I hear it again, "Nice ass"

And this time, I didn't look back.

Then I hear for the third time, "Nice ass Ma'am" alittle louder then before.

Well, I'm the only female standing in a line of 4 guys. One in front of me, and 3 behind me. What is a gal supposed to do when this is going on behind you? Clench the cheeks alittle tighter and hope they are up to muster?

Instead, I turned around and said, "Ok, who's saying that?" And two of them smile, one looks at the cracks in the ceiling extremely innocent like.

One guy pipes up and says, "Well I was looking and it's a fine ass, and your really tall."

Another says, "I swear I didn't say it first, but I was thinking it"

The last, continues to stare at the ceiling, he's having no part of this interlude.

I personally have no idea what to say, smile, turn around and think to myself that at least I know my spendy jeans were worth it. 

Debatable entertainment, but it happens and it's rather difficult to forget.

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Dedicated with admiration, verisimilitude, idolization,
to Omar Detached And Indifferent Expressions

'I make a large amount of rhymes up per day ~ And when I'm finished go check the survey'