A longtime friend came to my house last night because she was both frustrated, tired and basically at her giving up point. She talked, I listened, she spoke, I listened, she expressed her dismay's and I offered advice when solicited.
At one point she said the words I'm sure we've all said, "I just can't do this anymore, I give up." To which I said, " Giving up really isn't an option, because tomorrow will come whether you want it or not." What a wise old soul I am.....or cliche.
I did not receive the response I expected. What I did receive was a bit of a friend smack that turned the tables on me, in a rather uncomfortable position.
She turned agitated and said something a bit accusing," You know Rebecca, thats easy for you to say when everything you do, you succeed in, and everything you do your perfect at and you don't have to work hard like the rest of us at making it in life."
A jaw dropping moment in the scheme of the night. I looked at her and wondered if she was indeed officially insane or just gravely mistaken.
I understand that sometimes in an angry mood, it's easier to attack the nearest thing around. In this case, I found myself in the line of fire. Carefully, I addressed her. I told her that she was mistaken and I have my own set of problems, difficulties, disappointments, failures and that perfection and I seriously do not walk hand in hand. To which she muttered 'bullshit,' and started to cry. Officially, for the record, I would like to state that tears are an unfair advantage and have the ability to penetrate the best of my defenses............
I came clean with her, and in my world, that is not a small feat. Since she's known me since I was about 24, I went back into teenagehood and started there. I told her about struggles, mistakes, screw ups, I elaborated about my 20's, telling her all that I never speak of. I explained to her the current heartache I live with day in and day out and how I live a dirty little secret, all details included. I showed her some of my writing, and shed some light on this persona I've evidently represented to those around me.
My cover is officially blown and I blame the damn tears. She also placed a thought of guilt on my shoulders. She told me that it was unfair that she had known me for almost 10 years and knew nothing of what I had spoken of. I agreed, and that was not easy.
When she left, the air had changed. I think in her eye's I saw pity, understanding, and knew she saw me for what I really am, just like everyone else, a vulnerable human. My impression, the one she had of me, has seriously been altered. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Maintaining an impression is something I think everyone does. It's all part of presenting ourselves to the world.
There is a piece of me that worries about the impression I leave here on this journal. I know I shouldn't, but anytime you're presenting yourself, whether to friends, family, the mailman or a place like this, we leave an impression. I'm humbled more often then not when people leave comments that I am inspiring and such. But honestly, it doesn't sit well with me, or I have a hard time accepting that. I told an online friend, that sometimes it makes me feel like a fraud, to which their take on fraud/impressions put a few things into perspective for me. Thank you by the way....
Impressions are just one lining of a person, never the whole or even real deal. My friends turn about fair play, clearly showed me that. If anything I learned that should I have an impression of someone else, I cannot expect them to uphold it. It could be shattered by the revelations of truth.
17 comments:
We all have masks that we wear, often as much for ourselves as for other people. Sometimes, especially when I'm in a particularly vulnerable mood, I let the memories of my despair take over. Other times, I hide my broken heart beneath bonhomie and funny remarks.
But then again, the funny remarks are as much of me as the despair.
I only have two impressions Rebecca,
First, whilst she may upset with you and thinking you don't have issues... with all due respect, she shouldn't say a thing if she isn't willing to go through what you went through to get where you've gotten... The grass is always greener on the other side but it still needs to be watered, cut, and taken care of over there too y'know...
Second, as for your awkwardness to handle a compliment about your writing, I don't know about others, but as far as I'm concerned, the beauty of your words inspires... not just to achieve a better ability of writing... but you offer others, like me, something more important... hope. We all have frailties and make mistakes and at times feel alone and that no one understands us... but when you post, you
have a knack for touching a part inside of people that they can relate to. So in simple terms... continue to be who you are... it's working! Be happy Rebecca...
Mik
It's good to take the mask off once in a while. How'd it feel?
Chuck stated exactly what I wanted to say. He really is my brother from another mother.
Rebecca,
In all your words, I keep coming back to the image of the girl sitting over the water. It puts me in two minds. The first is that knowing what is right under the surface can be so very hard to bear, and the second is that even if someone sneaks up behing you, they can't see your reflection clearly because of the ripples that always distort the image.
In a way, your friends tears calmed that lake, I think, and you had no choice but to show yourself....or did the continuing sense of doubt and questioned self-worth finally become too much for you? Did your walls crumble when you saw another woman caving in on herself? Will you rebuild them? Do you want to? Will you even if you don't?
Is that what the girl on the dock is pondering?
Charley
http://journals.aol.com/CDittric77/Courage
I have left my wall down a few times and it felt good. It's ok.
I think we all see other lives as being more perfect than our own.....but eventually things show themselves and things are not as they seem. I have a sister who has said the very same things to me that your friend said to you....I told her I don't everything that I want but I do want everything that I have. I'm not sure if she even understood what I was trying to tell her, but I didn't want to be the one blamed because she wasn't happy with herself, with her life. I am happy with myself and my life and that makes it seem I have the world on a string and sometimes I feel I do have the world on a string!
It is funny how we see our friends, and how we really are you did the right thing by letting down your guard. Hope you have a good week
Deb
One thing we forget is that while yes we are responsible for what those around us know of us, they are responsible for drawing their own conclusions, however misconceived. Opening up to another person, regardless of how long you've known them, can be difficult, sometimes excrutiating. My thought; your friend may have a seriously altered view of you after your talk, but what altered it was less what you said and more that 'her' idea, her pedestal for you was proven faulty. She could continue to do less, feel worse and feel justified in her self-pity or misfortunes because she had fantasies about how perfect your world was. Without that, she has to focus on her short comings and/or the hand she was dealt in life. Of course, that's just my view. :)
Tammy
http://lifeliveitormissout.blogspot.com
I think that was very brave and compassionate of you to share with your friends things you'd kept to yourself for so long. I don't think I could have done it. Sometimes I'm a little bit too reserved. People sometimes think that things are perfect for me too, simply because I don't spill my guts about everything or complain. I guess you can't have it both ways, huh? I think this entry of yours has taught us all a lesson -- never be so sure that we know someone or be surprised when they show us a side we aren't expecting.
Lori
No one's life is perfect.... But, I know what you mean about the mask. I, like you apparently <g>, try to make it look to the outside world like we have no problems emotional, physical, or financial. Truth is everyone has problems of one kind or another and everyone at sometime or another thinks the other guy has a better life than they do. I'm personally pretty happy with how my life is currently, but it hasn't always been a pretty ride getting here, and who knows how I'll feel about it tomorrow <LOL>.
Your writing on the other hand is something that I enjoy immensely. I don't always comment, but I always read. And as for impressions.... I find you an honest, caring, articulate person who I am VERY happy to have had a chance to get to know a little!
http://journals.aol.com/astaryth/AdventuresofanEclecticMind
http://adventuresofaneclecticmind.blogspot.com/
When you meet someone after the fact (fact being that you made a mess of things big time and paid big prices) it isn't something that just comes out in conversation...it's moments like the one you and your friend were having when all of a sudden there is this incredible push that makes you want to share your experiences more openly. I have friends who are very private, and I don't push for any details because I don't feel the need to. And then there are others that are quite frankly and open book, and listening closely takes great effort. I tend to give what is given.... You are SO right, that we are all human, and we all have a past. It may be one event, it may be many, but it's up to you who you share what with. I hope you can feel even closer to this friend now, and she to you, and maybe she can have a better understanding of who you are and that you are quite capable of feeling. Michelle
You would really be surprised at the impression of you in others' minds. It's good, I assure you. It's just that more often that not, we don't always see ourselves the way others do. Give yourself a break hon. I adore you and I know I'm not alone. And no amount of mistakes are going to change that. Stop worrying about what people think and be true to yourself. You owe it to YOU, before us (the readers).
;)
Ari
Sounds like you and your friend let out alot of hidden pain. I have my impression of you...lol and of course it is good, but I also know that I am only seeing what you decide to share. I keep so much of myself out of the mainstream...only those closes to me know that I am completely different sometimes than what my journal or friends see. It's my safe guard so to speak. I do not see you as a fraud..but somethings I should not know about...I am only seeing one side of a circle....Take care,
Dwana
I totally get what you are saying about the fraud part....totally. That is why I put that disclaimer in my last set of sentence stems, reminding everyone that I struggle daily. I share in your concerns.
FWIW, my impression of you is one of a flawed woman with a conflicted heart. You are a woman yet a part of you is still that tomboyish little girl. You have a gift with expressing deep thoughts with clarity. I hold you in the highest regard, even if I don't agree with some of your decisions that are holding you in the past and denying you the future that you want.
So there, see? I know you are not perfect, but ya ain't half bad (TY, Dolly Parton).
You rock. But you still should have smacked that friend when she bit your head off (kidding)
Chris
http://www.inanethoughtsandinsaneramblings.blogspot.com
Hi Rebecca! Your friend (?) came to you for help because she felt that you were successful and didn't have to work hard at making it in life. Actually ~ that is why she was there. You felt that you had to give her the diary of your life to make her feel better. Oh, wow!
Darn it, Rebecca, you are you because you worked out your life and are still working it out successfully. Your friend is going to have to work things out on her own ~ or perhaps find someone else's shoulder to cry on who doesn't have the fortitude that you do.
To quote Anais Nin, "It takes courage to push yourself to places that you have never been before ~ to test your limits ~ to break through barriers...." And, this is what you have done, Rebecca; you have been making it in life. Good for you!
Love, Nancy
Amazing if we all look we will see that each of us are struggling with something in life...But....that is life right.....Hugs to you....I know in the end you will go check your daughter as she lies sleeping and know you really are blessed....hugs...If nothing else you did one thing right in life....Terryann
It is true..I agree about your take on impressions we leave on others and we have about others. In my opinion, or should I say based on my experience, trying to make an impressions by covering who I really am because I am afraid what the person will think of me (less) hurts me in the end. I ended up being resentful because I won't say what's really on my mind yet expect them to know what I'm thinking or my needs are because of HOW I am to them (tuned in to their needs or just let them talk, and I just listened.) I think it really is depend on the person you are with. There are those who is all about them and not tuned in to others and then there are those who just wants to know (nosey/gossip) but not sincere enough to be around when needed. In my expereince, I think it is really whom we are drawn to and /or why we stay or keep them whether we let the guard down to let them know who we really are.
I learned the hard way (really hard way!) as far as making impressions. When I decided to let myself be, and not be afraid of what the next person will think of me, it is when I finally started to see that the person I thought was better than me, really isn't/wasn't.
I am still on this journey of letting myself be, my habit of fear that I made a wrong impression still lurks 50 % of the time, but at least not 100% anymore.
anyway, ok..here's where my fear I'm making a funny impression on you: "oh man..I said all these thing, I hope I made sense as far as grammar is..."
(see I'm insecure that way because of my speech, hearing and education.) Whatever I say in my journal and comments, I have yet to say infront of a person.
and when I asks: did I make sense? it is not because I think you don't understand, but because I meant did you understand ME?"
Gem :-)
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