All Hail Heart Day

       I realized today as I pulled up my journal, it's been awhile since I've written an entry. There of course could be many reasons for this.

       I could say I decided to take a climbing excursion through the Swiss Alps, but that would be a tough story to pull off, too damn cold for this winter wimp. I could blame my computer saying a nasty virus swirled through my hard drive therefore knocking my Internet world to a dead halt in which I needed to heed a 2 week mourning period after it's funeral. But that didn't happen.

       The best excuse would be to say I finally got so wrapped up in my book that I'm writing, that I've typed nonstop for 24 hours a day until I finished the damn thing. Wow, that sounds damn good and unfortunately completely untrue. At this point I'd believe the Swiss Alps excursion over that one.

       The best I can admit is I've been on Internet hiatus again and thats a rather boring excuse. Of course, taking a writing, computer, hiatus makes the mind fill up with all sorts of things I now feel like rambling about, so perhaps the break was a good thing.

       One thing I've really put a nail in the coffin about is how the dynamics of writing in this AOL journal changed once the entire 'Ad invasion that must not be mentioned now' happened. I know it's expected to be completely and wholeheartedly forgotten and dropped by now, but since that day, something shifted and I know I'm not the only one that feels that way. Something beyond just an ad at the top of our journals, a shift in community, a shift in personal space, a shift in comfort, a shift in safety, a shift in ownership. Since then, I've taken quite a few breaks, trying to find the comfort level I once felt on these pages. I'm mentally trying to get around, past and over it.........working on it................

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       So Valentine's Day is next week. Everywhere I go is swirling in red hearts and sentimental mushy gifts. I'm used to it now considering all of it was out on the shelves of stores the day after Christmas. AOL is flashing Valentine store ads like a national emergency faster then my eye's can keep up with. From the worst presents for your Valentine to guaranteed to win kisses presents. I'll take the diamonds over the vacuum cleaner thank you very much.........

       For many years one of my friends and I deemed Valentine's Day black, whatever day it fell on. Which I find interesting because it's not like either of us had ever been single, or alone on a Valentine's Day. Something about the pressure, the premise, the big pressure of whats he going to give you, what do you give the other person, a day dedicated to you better be a loving and giving or else.........

Now, we can't forget the day after Valentine's Day.........thats the 'showing' or 'telling' of what you received. Woman tend to cluster in the office to compare notes, show off new things and ask too many questions. If your man failed miserably, it's best to take the next day off work to avoid the looks of sympathy. Like I said, too much pressure and expectations given to a Hallmark day. Crap, does that make me a pessimist? But I do feel sorry for the men, your all on a tight wire with no safety net with this holiday!

       One of the words I rarely, if ever mention, in my journal is the whole l.o.v.e. thing. Thats because I've been given love, have love, given up on love, lost love, discovered love, had love used and abused, caressed and nourished, taken for granted, not taken for granted, appreciated and mutilated and on and on.......I'm one big screw up in the l.o.v.e. department generally, but I've always had l.o.v.e. in one way or another. It's also the one dimension of my life I've never felt I've gotten just right. Thats a tough heart candy to swallow. It's also why I don't like to talk about it, because it's the labyrinth that cannot be explained. It feels a bit like trying to explain to a child why there is no end to space, it just goes on and on. BUT, I will never give up on trying to get it right, thats gotta count for something.

       Wishing diamonds for the ladies, instead of edible underwear dressed on a teddy bear from their men, and wishing back rubs and great dinners for the men instead of silk boxers with hearts and cupids with arrows you'd never be caught dead wearing out of the house from your woman............all hail heart day~~