I find it's easy enough, to loose sight of the things that divide the lines between necessary burdens and choice effected consequences. The difference between what is avoidable, what is simple cause and effect, what is unmistakable, unavoidable life moments is where my lines tend to become distorted and difficult to decipher.
The self serving, self preservation censorship chip located deep within me is rather quick to blow a whistle any time I start to be honest with not only myself, but to others. I am not a liar, I am an avoidance artist. It's a rather simple solution to not divulging details a person is either shamed by, embarrassed about or blatantly refusing to acknowledge both personally and publicly. Details bring forth questions, questions inspire explanations, explanations result in excuses, excuses are about putting one's head in the sand and ignoring the weight on your back that only you can remove.......
A rather cowardly act by my part, I'm not so chicken that I can't admit my faults. Faults on the other side of the coin, are rather easy for me to come clean about. A classic byline to a silent person. We can easily roll over for the fault part of things, accept blame, heap on guilt or just hang out with the results in silence. That I find, to be the easy part of this human circle.
I have discovered, that some characters in this little world of ours, are most brilliant at picking up such tendencies and using them for personal benefit. Personally, this perplexes me. I just don't understand it. Just as I don't understand why someone thinks they have the right to shout and yell at a waitress in a restaurant, or why some people think they have to lay on their horn in a traffic jam, why does anyone think they have the right to berate anyone, to cuss and raise their voice, to demean and make a person cower in their presence. This I do not understand.
There is much I do not understand. Too much sometimes that it makes my thoughts chaotic and my heart ache. I observe as much as I can, I listen as often as possible, I ask questions and bore people with my curiosity. This is something within me that doesn't become quieted, it doesn't stop, nor does it ever really satisfy.
Writing is certainly my only avenue that I turn that curiosity inward and attempt to pull understanding from myself. Why I do certain things, why I tolerate some things and fight ferociously on other things. Why people do some of the things they do, etc........My parents nicknamed me "WHY" for many years. I never shut up with my questions, and I realize more and more, I still haven't shut up with my questions and wandering quest for information.
For every 3 why questions I master the divine knowledge about, another 10 surface. This is the way of it, this is my own minds sentence in life. Why and me, we've walked hand in hand since I was old enough to ask questions................simple understanding is all I seek.
22 comments:
Hope you find it:)
Deb
Hmmmmm....You have me curious now.
Jodi
Questioning is never a bad thing. It is when we become complacent in our quest for answers that we stagnate were we stand.
Smiles,
Red
I feel ya sister. I am always trying to figure out why some think they have the right. It's too bad that the ones blowing their horns might not see that they are where there are to be in life at that moment. As for the ones in the restarurant, just think what their families deal with day after day. I was a waitress for many years I learned not to take things personally, if I did they would ruin my day and the service I would give others. Instead I would feel sorry for them. They should be felt sorry for. What a miserable life they must lead. I enjoy your writing. is any of it avoidable? Or is it destined from a higher power? Your J-land friend Terry Ann.
For my own self, it's hard to achieve clarity on things that are really important to me, and impossible for me to fully plumb my own motivations. My "why" stage was tamped down by a father who demanded silence, and a mother who assented - but that hasn't stopped me from always asking it of myself.
I guess you can say that I have a lot of those "WHY" questions on my mind too. I remember my late uncle Junior (Clifton) used to call me curious george! Maybe we (as a people) avoid and dodge because we are afraid of what kind of response we will get. There is something that has been on my mind now since last spring that happended and I ask another question (Am I?). I asked my mother and she said no, but I'm still not sure yet.
Why is just not a letter with a long long tail. The censorship chip is in all of us I think, it is avoidance. We all do it for fear of revealing our true nature to others. It's our curse and it's our blessing I think. A curse because no one truly knows us, a blessing because we always are safe within ourselves. Sometimes you just have to grab that chip and bust it. BUsting is fun.
How would we ever understand anyone or thing without asking questions ?
They are all we have to gain insight and understanding of a person or situation .
Asking questions can never be wrong its how we learn and change our perceptions.
I guess leaving them unasked only leads to us making conclusions that arent always the right ones which we inevitably regret when we see we were wrong or right .
So keep asking , keep seeking answers and understanding , its all we have .
We are ALL avoidance artists Rebecca in someway shape or form .....we've all taken the fifth at times to avoid upset or a tricky situation , we've all bitten our tounges and taken a step back instead of letting rip , and yes sometimes we've done the opposite and looked back with inhindsight too .
What else can we do but ask and hope to god we are understood ourselves x
imagine for a moment if you had no faults, that you were flawless....imagine that you were given all the answers to every question you ever raised!
What would life be like for you?
That machine inside your head (known to many as the mind) is geared to run the way the operator is throwing the switches. If the burden is heavy, and the load out of control, then its time to talk to that operator.
Wishing you a day of release....Marc :)
It has been a while since I have stopped by your place, and once again you have done it with a great entry.
Take Care.
Amanda :)
http://journals.aol.com/trickeytricky/CountryMyKindaLivin
Believe it or not, I censor myself heavily. Yeah. If I didn't, people would run away from my blog screaming in terror. Heh.
I think it's more of a defense mechanism. Whilst we seek others to reassure us we are not alone, sometimes we censor things that are beyond the norm for fear that we'll be the lone person in the crowd that feels that way. Or at least, that's how it is for me. I try to stand up for what I believe in, even if I'm the only one. It's so daunting and tiring sometimes though.
Ari
Rebecca repeat after me...questioning is good. Yes, it is...independent thinkers have always questioned. It is the questioners of the world who have saved the world time after time. People who just accept and go with the flow...hhmmm..boring, nothing creative flows from there. Another favorite of mine is Why Not?......Sandi http://journals.aol.com/sdoscher458/LifeIsFullOfSurprises
Rebecca, I am also struggling with that censorship chip in my own journal. If I describe imperfect people in my entries, I feel it is only fair that I describe my own imperfections in turn. But is it a requirement that we "let it all hang out"? After all, it is our journal and we can write whatever we want. It is not necessarily a confessional. We all know that no one is perfect. A person's character and identity shines through regardless of wheather or not the gory details are portrayed. The fact that you discussed this issue at all shows honesty and integrity.
--Tom
Wonderful post! So much I could relate to.
Great entry and questions are good to seek there are too many you want answered personal I know and oneday you will have the answer just look inside yourself
The unavoidable life moments, the sometimes tough and indecipherable demarcations where one question starts and another question begins, the seemingly unending thirst for asking "why," the questions, questions, questions, and more questions before an answer finally surfaces and can be reconciled before the questions start again. Why, why, why...
I wish there was an antidote for the perennial seductiveness time finds with our burdens and choices. Hands and seconds stroking the face of time doesn't make it any easier, I know. But keep asking the questions and the simple understanding you seek will be revealed. I am confident of this.
Judith
I admit to a clear curiosity after reading this latest post, but as for your question of why, I posit: why not you? I understand that there are elements to our lives that we are responsible for, and I believe that much of what we reap, we do sow, but in those cases where we have no clear answer, what makes us think that we are deserving of something else? Are we so special that we have the right to ask why me? I don't think so...we are all so similar that we should be asking - when will it be me?
With peace and love,
Charley
http://journals.aol.com/CDittric77/Courage
I hope you are ok. How is the book coming? Stay warm:)
Deb
You are amazing with your words, thoughts, and feelings.
Chris
This is a wonderful entry! I have no problem talking about my faults to anyone, either on my journal or in my offline life...the one thing that I do censor very heavily is what I say about my family or friends when writing or talking to others...I do not like to discuss personal matters of others b/c it's not my business to do so...so in that light, it's rare to have me write about anything negative when it concerns other people...I'm very protective of peoples privacy when it is given to me for safe keeping...also when I talk to people I try very hard not to probe for answers to questions I might have...I always feel that if someone wants me to know something they will tell me without me having to ask...I never know if I am doing the right thing by that, if might appear that I'm not interested...but I more so fear that I might make someone uncomfortable to have to tell me it's none of my business...
Whenever I feel the need to point that judgemental finger at someone, I will always, well, usually, try to stop and think, alright. Am I perfect? Who am I? What gives me that right to judge what is not my business to judge? I try to remember that there are just so many people out there that are going to feel differently about life issues than I do, and I have to just do what is right for me. Live and let live, in other words. We all have things we don't share with the world. And then there are pieces of ourselves we may only share with certain people. It's not being disloyal, or dishonest. It's following our hearts.... Michelle
this is very interesting stuff, rebecca. Why? I dunno, it just is ... next question ... ;) *smiles*
sue
http://journals.aol.com/dackbdimble/spamthis
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