So it's the holidays.......

So it's the holidays.
It's finally sunk in that I should probably be getting ready for the big day, the mother of all giftwrapping and bow filled wish lists.

It's an interesting play of thoughts, this specific holiday season, because for me, I have removed one of the factors in the reason it's celebrated, meaning the Christ before the mas........So for me, it's about giving gifts to those around me because I love them. A means to showing give in a world circled around take.

On the flip side, my daughters are still in the process of learning about Christ, church etc. A while ago, I decided, that just because I stand on one branch of life, that shouldn't mean they couldn't be exposed to it, so that they can make their own decision. Thats correct, this Atheist takes her daughters each Weds night and drops them off at Awanas and most Sundays they go to church with their Grandmother.

So, I find it's usually pretty easy to glide through the holidays, respecting all sides of the reasons for the season.

One thing I do know about the day of Christmas itself, is that my most memorable, my most distinctive holiday is the one that I had absolutely no money. It wasn't all that long ago either, about 7 years ago. Officially living on my own, starting a new business all on my own accountability, and having not a penny in the bank account. I wasn't receiving Christmas cards in the mail, I was receiving constant overdue bills. It wasn't a festive picture.

I remember feeling horrible that I didn't have the money to buy a Christmas tree, not a dime to buy a present for my daughters, much less anyone else. They were so young and I remember them saying things like "I've been so good this year Mommy, I'm sure I'm on Santa's 'good' list." Pure pride and determination kept me from asking for help from anyone, but I did ask a friend if I could clean her house for 20 dollars. Enough to buy 10 presents, per child at the dollar store. It was the best I could come up with.

Tears, would well up in the sides of my eye's, but I know I never let them fall. It was the time when I had to let the entire present side of Christmas fall to the wayside and discover other reasons to appreciate the season. I had no choice but to do this. It felt wrong to even spend the 20 dollars on dollar store presents, I didn't really have food in the cupboards.

Even in my silent suffering a select few knew of my destitution. It was these people, who showed me the difference, the magic in Christmas that I had forgotten as I got older. Without a word from me, without asking, without begging, I did have a Christmas, more special then any before or any after.

The week prior to Christmas, several things happened that renewed my faith in life. I had gone to my office and found a present for me on my desk. I had been taking a class, for my business, and I had constantly asked another woman the time each day. She had asked me once, why I didn't have a watch, and I simply replied I would buy one as soon I could afford one. On my desk, was a beautiful, expensive watch wrapped up and just for me. I still wear that watch.........

The next day, when I came home, I found boxes and boxes of food left for me on my doorstep. My parents knew I would never accept money, so they got around me by buying enough food to feed my daughters and I for 2 months. I was filled with an appreciation I had never felt.......

The biggest blessing came in the form of a letter in my mail. In it, contained a gift card to Toys R Us. A wonderful person, an important person in my life who lived far away, had sent a note and the card, it said on the inside, "Go buy your daughters a Christmas they'll remember" I was overcome with gratitude and I did exactly that.

You know, I don't remember what I bought my daughters last year, or the year before. I don't remember any outstanding emotions or feelings from the Christmases that have come and gone since the year I was dead broke. I do remember ever single little detail about that year though.

I wish I didn't have to be in such a sad sorry state to take such notice of the true meaning of Christmas, perhaps thats the human in me. But every single year I do my best to capture the feeling of awe and inspiration I felt that year. If I could have bottled it
up, to savor over the years I would have.

I admit, when I did have a fat bank account in the years following, I did go overboard, bought things to fill up the space under the tree and it never has come close to the gratitude and appreciation I had the year there was very few presents under the tree. The only thing I learned from doing that, is that going overboard is not necessary or even gratifying.

Now, I'm off to brave the crowds, and find special things to show the people in my life how much I care and love them. And I, will spend nights in the softglow of candles and Christmas tree lights, willing myself to search deep down for those amazing feelings I know Christmas can bring forth in a person...........