Uncharted Days

Since the clocktowers of 2005 are breathing down my neck and the illusional concept of a clean slate for 2006 is staring rather obnoxiously at me today, I feel I must smile sweetly and face it.

I'm not entirely ready for 2005 to be over. I had some rather amazing things happen this year. Amazing is also subjective in it's own fashion. Amazing doesn't necessarily mean good, and it doesn't have to mean wonderful. I had some really amazing bad things happen that have left the proverbial lifetime impressions. I've also had some rather amazing good things happen, priceless, precious in there own right that I won't be giving up anytime soon.

Resolutions are something I typically shy away from. Besides, I believe resolution is just a fancy word for making decent choices and gawd knows I try to maintain that frame of mind each and every single day. Thankfully there's a decent space given for marginal error allowed with that concept. I'd be toast without that space of graceful exceptions.

I prefer at this point in time of the year to look back and decide whether or not I believe I personally made 2005 worth my time. I believe I did, and thats good enough for now.

So today, I will turn my back on 2005 and face a new year, full of spotless days, and long calendar months.

Walking into the river of new year, uncharted, full of mystery, and amazing possibilities. Who knows, maybe I'll finally net that big fish I've been trying for all my life........................

Happy New Year Everyone, enjoy those uncharted days and glorious choices placed at our life doorstep each and every day~

 

Balanced Connection

We are, each of us, angels with only one wing. And we can only fly embracing each other." — Luciano De Crescenzo



In dreams, it is said that wings represent a release of creative forces, that they give us the ability to understand and transcend the human condition. In religion, wings appear on angels, fairies, spirits and demons. In mythology, winged creatures are often messengers of the gods; they are a symbol of freedom and spirituality and a character having one wing is said to be lost in dreams.

Since the day I rested my eye's upon this art piece by James Christensen called Sleeper in Lost Dreams, I was instantly drawn into it's presence. I've added it many times in my personal journal here, specifically on days I was afloat, drifting within my own corridors seeking peace of mind.

Perhaps I am seeking connection to my dreams. Maybe it's possible I internally seek the comfort of Gods again. Or, I gaze upon this piece and see a bit of me, looking down, missing wing, amber colors, and peaceful yet, solitary quiet.

I don't fight my tears anymore, and I still believe in humanity beyond anything else. I understand my desire to connect with all the forces around me and I rest my mind on the soothing spirit of others.

During this season I wish for myself and those I am blessed to know
     
Comfort from within and others
       Less grief and more smiles
Greater sweet memories and

Love that brings you to your knees

       More serenity and the beauty of angels
Admiration of another
       Solitary moments of conviction and
Laughter filled rooms of life
       Hugs of a child and embrace of a lover
Family protection and friends for a lifetime

Balanced connection

But most of all, I wish that everyone has another, to complete the wings of your dreams 
   

~Peace be with you~

Procrastination

       I typically never say such a blasphemous thing, but I have officially vowed shopping off. The bank is closed, the chick shopper in me is sapped of all buying desire. I have not an ounce of shopper left in me. What's purchased will have to do.

       I finished my shopping yesterday, along with thousands of other harried, last minute shoppers. A showcase of zombie like people with a slightly dazed look to our eyes. All of us looking for the elusive gifts that meant something other then a consolation gift of convenience.  

       I'm not sure if I conquered or had my arse whipped by the mission I embarked upon, but I am indeed alive today. I have a pile of gifts to wrap and I am satisfied with the gifts I was able to find. That is going to be good enough.

       I started observing people yesterday, as I was standing in torturous long lines and battling my way down store isles. It was a glorious day for people watching. With the clock ticking just hours away from the big day, and each of us with our wads of cash or tenacity of plastic cards in hand, we weren't there enjoying the Christmas music or the displays of various stores. We were on a quest.

        Last minute shoppers are purpose driven people on a mission, who have no desire to stop and get a free facial or spritzered by a fragrance salesperson. The majority of us were rather nice about it all. We all plastered smiles of mutual understanding on our faces and even embarked on simple conversation of boosting each others spirits while standing in lines.

       Since I'm a question asker, I asked many people the same question, "Why are you doing your shopping so late in the season?" The answers were varied. Some people were just tying up loose ends, some people had to wait on a paycheck, some people swore that they got MUCH better deals closer to Christmas and some people just shrugged and said the month got away from them and they realized they only had 2 days before the big day. I myself fall into that last category.

       Procrastination has it's pitfalls and again, it has it's shiny side. For instance, I didn't over buy like I might tend to do if I had shopped throughout the month. And the one shopper was right, there are some great deals out there right now from the stores who don't want to hang onto Christmas inventory.

       Now Gladiator style shopping is a fine art, you must be brave to muscle your car into tiny little parking spaces without dinging someone. You have to stand your ground with your cart like it's a battle ram from medieval times. Some department stores must think it's a sick and twisted joke to make the isles small enough that two carts can't make it past each other. Therefore causing a traffic jam of gigantic proportions.

       The way I see it, they think if they can lock up potential shoppers, we'll get bored while waiting for the mess to clear and buy up everything, no matter what it is, in the interim. I'm certain this is mastermind planning from the corporate world. At least in those type of stores, they patronize me by placing all the new magazines in the long check out lines so we can all read the new People without having to purchase it. Thats kind of them.

       By the end of the day, I was really seeing the comical side to last minute shopping. Zombie stares, gladiator style tactics, magazine reading, babies screaming, counting pennies, smiling at other zombies, and laughing at each others dire straights.

       It turned out to be a rather interesting day. And I hereby swear, I will not shop again for the rest of the year. I am cured, my shopping bug has deserted me, I am on financial lock down, the ATM is closed.

       So until next year.............

And for all you early shoppers. You know who you are, the ones that start shopping back in October or even earlier.

I bow to your wisdom~

~Today~

       There has been a few times I've remarked here about the power of a comment. I've also mentioned a few times the power of inspiration that can be drawn from others. I also believe I've stated a few times how perplexing and fascinating I find the connection this quiet world of journals holds.

Today provided no exception to my awe of this forum.

       Thank You. Because, the power of peoples words, their giving nature and spirit has made an incredible difference in one young ladies thoughts, smile and year. Kaitlyn has been flying on cloud nine since she signed on and discovered emails galore and comments that addressed her, her thoughts, her question and her little self. I believe she read everyone's comments at least 5 times.

       She still believes in Santa she declared :::huge Mom smile:::

And I declare, not to scare anyone, but if I could crawl through my computer tonight, I would just to give everyone a big old sappy hug. You made my day too.............

~Huge Heartfelt Thank You ~
~From Two Gals Who Appreciate Your Gift of Time and Words Very Much~~~~>

I've been gathering my 12th month reflections here in my mind. It's about time for me to surmise my year, tie out the strings, and mark the year 2005 down in history. I went back and read my last December entries, just to see where I was, what I was thinking.

       I know right now, I've certainly learned a few new lessons this year, to last me a lifetime. The years just keep coming, and keep dishing out lessons and experiences. Some of it I treasure, some of it I wish I could pretend never happened and some of it I'm still out in lala land about.

       I figure at this rate, by the time I'm 60 I can hopefully close up shop and ride the rest of the years out in wisdom filled peace. It's rather funny, because I know when I was mucking through my twenties I kept thinking, if I can make it to the thirties I'm sure I'll have figured it all out. Probably the only thing I've figured out, is that it is naive to think I'll ever really have it 'figured' out. I think I need to quote myself on that one, hang it up above the old computer and laugh at myself everytime I think I've stepped onto a brink of thoughtful revelation! History, future, past and tomorrow, a relatively subjective thing thats as complicated as a Pandora's box.

Today, I'll just bask in the fact that many people made a beautiful difference in my families life today. A nice thing to bask in if I may say so myself~~

Belief

I have a Mini-Me. Her name is Kaitlyn and she was born to me on March 30th 1995. This makes her 10, soon to be 11. It's remarkable sometimes when I realize how very much like me she is. Sometimes it's flattering, sometimes, it's downright scary and sometimes, it just makes me stand in awe over this little human being that I'm lucky enough to have in my life.

Young Kaitlyn is also a writer by nature, she is also very much a 'why' person by nature.Therefore, writing, questioning, exploring, thinking, thoughts, asking, is all part of her everyday world.......................
See a resemblance??

I've never mentioned it here, but she does have a journal, one that she's kept since last March, but I made her start a new one, in October. Her other screen name contained her last name <Her Father did that> and I didn't believe that was a smart move.

I have a point, bear with me. It came to my attention in the form of a journal alert that young Kaitlyn is questioning Santa and his premise. In fact reading her words, it's seems she think the man is a big old fake.

The age is correct for her asserting the 'is he real' question, and I've been hit up with some fairly great questions that even for a Mom, it's hard to wiggle out of.

For the first time, I've read that she's asking for interaction, a question, much like I do on my journal, in her writing.

I thought perhaps this would be a good time to show a pathway to a little 10 year old and maybe the fine people who visit my journal wouldn't mind going over to her world and adding a bit of your wisdom.

Of course, I'm about as biased as you can get, but I do believe the kid shows amazing potential to be a great writer someday. She's already won a state award for an essay she wrote and submitted, she was 9. I hope that she continues writing in her journal and thinking things through as she always does.

But for now, the looming Santa question is one I'd love to pass off, and let her see the feedback from others. Thats all, and thank you, from one Mom, to all of you~~

Kaitlyns Wild World of Writing

So it's the holidays.......

So it's the holidays.
It's finally sunk in that I should probably be getting ready for the big day, the mother of all giftwrapping and bow filled wish lists.

It's an interesting play of thoughts, this specific holiday season, because for me, I have removed one of the factors in the reason it's celebrated, meaning the Christ before the mas........So for me, it's about giving gifts to those around me because I love them. A means to showing give in a world circled around take.

On the flip side, my daughters are still in the process of learning about Christ, church etc. A while ago, I decided, that just because I stand on one branch of life, that shouldn't mean they couldn't be exposed to it, so that they can make their own decision. Thats correct, this Atheist takes her daughters each Weds night and drops them off at Awanas and most Sundays they go to church with their Grandmother.

So, I find it's usually pretty easy to glide through the holidays, respecting all sides of the reasons for the season.

One thing I do know about the day of Christmas itself, is that my most memorable, my most distinctive holiday is the one that I had absolutely no money. It wasn't all that long ago either, about 7 years ago. Officially living on my own, starting a new business all on my own accountability, and having not a penny in the bank account. I wasn't receiving Christmas cards in the mail, I was receiving constant overdue bills. It wasn't a festive picture.

I remember feeling horrible that I didn't have the money to buy a Christmas tree, not a dime to buy a present for my daughters, much less anyone else. They were so young and I remember them saying things like "I've been so good this year Mommy, I'm sure I'm on Santa's 'good' list." Pure pride and determination kept me from asking for help from anyone, but I did ask a friend if I could clean her house for 20 dollars. Enough to buy 10 presents, per child at the dollar store. It was the best I could come up with.

Tears, would well up in the sides of my eye's, but I know I never let them fall. It was the time when I had to let the entire present side of Christmas fall to the wayside and discover other reasons to appreciate the season. I had no choice but to do this. It felt wrong to even spend the 20 dollars on dollar store presents, I didn't really have food in the cupboards.

Even in my silent suffering a select few knew of my destitution. It was these people, who showed me the difference, the magic in Christmas that I had forgotten as I got older. Without a word from me, without asking, without begging, I did have a Christmas, more special then any before or any after.

The week prior to Christmas, several things happened that renewed my faith in life. I had gone to my office and found a present for me on my desk. I had been taking a class, for my business, and I had constantly asked another woman the time each day. She had asked me once, why I didn't have a watch, and I simply replied I would buy one as soon I could afford one. On my desk, was a beautiful, expensive watch wrapped up and just for me. I still wear that watch.........

The next day, when I came home, I found boxes and boxes of food left for me on my doorstep. My parents knew I would never accept money, so they got around me by buying enough food to feed my daughters and I for 2 months. I was filled with an appreciation I had never felt.......

The biggest blessing came in the form of a letter in my mail. In it, contained a gift card to Toys R Us. A wonderful person, an important person in my life who lived far away, had sent a note and the card, it said on the inside, "Go buy your daughters a Christmas they'll remember" I was overcome with gratitude and I did exactly that.

You know, I don't remember what I bought my daughters last year, or the year before. I don't remember any outstanding emotions or feelings from the Christmases that have come and gone since the year I was dead broke. I do remember ever single little detail about that year though.

I wish I didn't have to be in such a sad sorry state to take such notice of the true meaning of Christmas, perhaps thats the human in me. But every single year I do my best to capture the feeling of awe and inspiration I felt that year. If I could have bottled it
up, to savor over the years I would have.

I admit, when I did have a fat bank account in the years following, I did go overboard, bought things to fill up the space under the tree and it never has come close to the gratitude and appreciation I had the year there was very few presents under the tree. The only thing I learned from doing that, is that going overboard is not necessary or even gratifying.

Now, I'm off to brave the crowds, and find special things to show the people in my life how much I care and love them. And I, will spend nights in the softglow of candles and Christmas tree lights, willing myself to search deep down for those amazing feelings I know Christmas can bring forth in a person...........

Doors Of Time

       Some where along the space of moments, I believe time has fooled me into thinking it has an unshakable grasp on all that is me. Time and all it encompasses, has become something I've tried to trick, outmaneuver, and in essence, play a chess like game with. That is one of two things, either an ignorant thing to attempt to manipulate, or an arrogant defiance of the laws of life.

       It seems that your handed all these moments of truth throughout our lives, and either you notice, or ignore them. I believe I stand in the notice category, with an honorary ribbon for then ignoring them. Once you start to ignore something or pretend it can wait until later, or for the perfect moment, thats when the watchtowers of time start chiming louder then you can stand it.

       The future never stops and yesterday is part of my history. It's the honorary system that a person has only one shot at. Maybe thats why I'm so painfully aware of time. I don't appreciate my history as I should and I'm always trying to manipulate what my future will hold. What else can compare to history and future? At the end of the road, it will be all I have left, a measure of what I did with my time, what I wrote into my history and how I used the minutes of my gift of life. Right now, this is a terrifying thought.   

       I would think we've all been proposed the following question, either by ourselves or as tableside conversation with others~ If you found out you had 24 hours to live, what would you do?"~

       My answer is the terrifying part, because I believe my hours would be filled with asking for forgiveness from the ones I love.

       Now, knowing the conscious answer to my question, I have to take it square in the gut, then kick myself in the arse and correct that. Instead of lazily watching the clock and hoping things will change as the right time presents itself, I need to just face it head on NOW and do the goddamn things that need to be done.

       Thats the tricky part of this equation. It's one thing to think it, know it, feel it, and quite another to stand up, face that which causes fear and make it go away. That takes courage and the fortitude to do what's right by yourself. All alone. No one to help, it's a one woman show and I'm afraid this character has turned from heroine to sideline catalyst.

       Observation and understanding is a good starting point. There was a time where I didn't even recognize this within myself. And I hope, there will be a time when I can write, I started at point A, then I made it to area B and then with swords drawn and mind set, I really did accomplish award C............................

Plain Talk

A friend came to visit me, rather unwanted last night. He had called out of the blue and amazing enough, my vanilla talk and ruse of a voice failed me, he could tell something was off, so he came whether I thought I needed it or not.

He's one of those friends, I've kept since high school, that knows far too much about all that is me, yet never holds it against me. It's ironic how sporadic I talk to him sometimes, yet, thats always all right. Five months can pass without a word and neither of us would ever be angry at the other for it. Life happens, we're busy, we accept that.

Robert is different then most of my friends, very much so. He wears an eyebrow ring and has a tongue ring. He likes music, art galleries and woman's breasts more then anything in the world. He'll take me for long drives when I'm feeling like the breath of life has been sucked out of me, listening to Tori Amos or Prodigy as loud as I want it and never ask a single question. He respects my silence.

He respected my silence last night, but sat next to me holding my hand. He didn't ask a single question, he knows better, but he did say something that left a haunted impression in my mind for the day. He said, "Rebecca, I don't know what your fighting right now, but it's holding the best pieces of you." Thats an arty creative friend for you..........

He's right, and I hate that. Actually hate isn't a descriptive enough word, I loathe that I'm wallowing around in this sculpture of sadness. I hold no notion of sympathy for myself, I am certainly not of victim status, nor am I a vision of inspiration. I am what I am, the result of cause and effect. This space, I place the fine signature of fault firmly on my shoulders. People should get what they deserve. People who don't are the sneaky ones.

I thought about it today. I don't even have any good patent excuses to fall back on. Nope, nadda. My parents never were divorced. They never beat me. They spent a ton of time with me growing up. They encouraged me, taught me, gave me a great set of wings. The only thing I can think of, is that they were one step ahead of the therapy revolution and made sure I wouldn't have anything to take to a shrink when I was older. You know, something that would be anything close to a grand Ah Ha moment, pointing fingers and breathing a sigh of relief that pronounced a big, thats why moment! Sneaky parents~

Thats all right, I've never been much for the blame game, I'm more of a responsibility and accountability gal. Grumbling, I must admit I am responsible for my actions and I must be held accountable. I think if I ever even whispered under my breath that something wasn't fair, my parents would appear hypothetically and smack me around. They don't play that game either, old school parents, and never let me.

So that leaves me, with the grand master of all, myself. Now, I've seen enough Doctors in my lifetime to ask them on several occasions if something is wrong with my mind. You never know unless you ask!  I've tried to point out to my regular doctor on several occasions that I must be short of a few necessary mind parts. He disagrees. He's not buying it and refuses to slip me some cozy mind drugs. The last time I told him he needs to get with the drug movement program, get up to speed and start writing prescriptions, he laughed at me, makes a note and tells me he's still not buying it. Stingy Doctor~

I've also had enough pictures taken of my brain via expensive neurologists to take a good peak there to look for abnormalities. Thats right, I make Dr. Cline chuckle <<getting a real laugh from this one is true work>> when I'm bent forward studying pictures of my brain asking her "Where is the part for making rational choices, I'm pretty sure that area will show signs of damage" or I've asked her, "Show me the zone for L. O. V. E.  receptors, I'm certain those are out of whack." <<She did laugh out loud on that one>> Dr. Cline has no issues writing prescriptions, but unfortunately those are all for kicken chicken seizures, not for whacked brain choices. No humor Doctor~

At least I can say there is one legit thing wrong with my mind, I have a classic short circuit somewhere in there <I'm told thats what cause the seizures> thats right, electrical currents that don't fire off right. Personally, I have guesses it resides somewhere close to the 'make positive changes department' zone..............

Why........

I find it's easy enough, to loose sight of the things that divide the lines between necessary burdens and choice effected consequences. The difference between what is avoidable, what is simple cause and effect, what is unmistakable, unavoidable life moments is where my lines tend to become distorted and difficult to decipher.

The self serving, self preservation censorship chip located deep within me is rather quick to blow a whistle any time I start to be honest with not only myself, but to others. I am not a liar, I am an avoidance artist. It's a rather simple solution to not divulging details a person is either shamed by, embarrassed about or blatantly refusing to acknowledge both personally and publicly. Details bring forth questions, questions inspire explanations, explanations result in excuses, excuses are about putting one's head in the sand and ignoring the weight on your back that only you can remove.......

A rather cowardly act by my part, I'm not so chicken that I can't admit my faults. Faults on the other side of the coin, are rather easy for me to come clean about. A classic byline to a silent person. We can easily roll over for the fault part of things, accept blame, heap on guilt or just hang out with the results in silence. That I find, to be the easy part of this human circle.

I have discovered, that some characters in this little world of ours, are most brilliant at picking up such tendencies and using them for personal benefit. Personally, this perplexes me. I just don't understand it. Just as I don't understand why someone thinks they have the right to shout and yell at a waitress in a restaurant, or why some people think they have to lay on their horn in a traffic jam, why does anyone think they have the right to berate anyone, to cuss and raise their voice, to demean and make a person cower in their presence. This I do not understand.

There is much I do not understand. Too much sometimes that it makes my thoughts chaotic and my heart ache. I observe as much as I can, I listen as often as possible, I ask questions and bore people with my curiosity. This is something within me that doesn't become quieted, it doesn't stop, nor does it ever really satisfy.

Writing is certainly my only avenue that I turn that curiosity inward and attempt to pull understanding from myself. Why I do certain things, why I tolerate some things and fight ferociously on other things. Why people do some of the things they do, etc........My parents nicknamed me "WHY" for many years. I never shut up with my questions, and I realize more and more, I still haven't shut up with my questions and wandering quest for information.

For every 3 why questions I master the divine knowledge about, another 10 surface. This is the way of it, this is my own minds sentence in life. Why and me, we've walked hand in hand since I was old enough to ask questions................simple understanding is all I seek.