A Result of 10

After a particularly harsh day yesterday, I found myself laying flat on my back on top of the covers to my bed, headphones on, one arm covering my eye's, the other resting across my stomach, listening to this song.........AOL Music: Goo Goo Dolls: 'Iris'

That would be my self inflicted way of making sure to ad icing on the bad day cake.

On days like yesterday, it seems to me, that my normal response is to deflect and survive, then reflect and punish myself for purely self inflicted torture. Although I know all good quotes say, you cannot live in the past, I'd like to go on a mission to collect the ones that encourage me by saying something to the effect that your past, although done, certainly does set the stage for your future.

I believe thats a mathematical certainty.

You can't pull off 1 and 2 and expect to end up with a result of 4, years later. It just doesn't compute. Nope, you make choice 1 and then 2 and what you end up with is some crazy odd number like 3 that doesn't remotely resemble what you were hoping for when you made choice 1 and 2. Is everything really made to be broken?

If I could count the tread marks on my back right now, I believe it would indicate the makings of a mighty fine abstract painting. I'll never be a Thomas Kincade painting.

I suppose, with Thanksgiving being tomorrow, I should be filled with notions of grateful and appreciation, smiling with visions of fine foods and family filled laughter. Yes, it will come, tomorrow, I'm sure.

When I was 16, I had started skiing just the year before. It felt like the right thing to do, my friends were all skiers, so it seemed logical to try it out. I had enjoyed it and spent the next summer begging my parents for new ski's. I was embarrassed to the core that I had been renting ski's, but my parents refused to purchase new one's for me until I was sure I enjoyed it and would help pay for them.

I did.

The next winter, with a half and half contribution from me towards the purchase of my new ski's I had them. They were perfect, beautiful, and had my name engraved in each one, indicating I was a true skier, not just a rental bunny. I watched the skies and prayer for snow and finally.........the ski resortwas open and all my wishes were answered.

With friends in tow, we made our way up the first ski lift and I gave my brand new ski's a try down a rather easy hill. They were marvelous, and I felt like I was truly part of the skiing crowd. Near the bottom of this first hill I stopped, parallel with the hill to wait for a friend, when my skiing took a disastrous turn.

From behind me I heard rather loudly, a man yelling something I've never forgotten. His exact words were, "Holly Mother Mary of Jesus."

I twisted in my ski's to look behind me and to my horror saw a huge man in a red and black flannel shirt wildly out of control on his ski's barreling right at me. I'd like to say I was quick on my ski's and got out of the way, but I didn't move, I froze with fear knowing I was about to be ran over by this wayward skier. With my upper body twisted to look behind me, and my legs and ski's pointing straight, I was indeed ran over by this man.

My new ski poles went flying, one of my ski's popped right out of the boot and went on a free ride down the hill and I took the brunt of his speed, size and everything else square on.

After the snow settled I lay face to face with the man on top of me and pain shooting everywhere in my body. He removed himself off me and quickly apologized and asked if I was all right. I replied that I was fine. I didn't move, just laying there, repeating to him that I was fine and I wished he would just leave me alone, to which he complied.

I laid in that snow until my friend came along, to which I told her I was fine and that I would catch up with her down at the lift. She complied.

I laid in the snow and didn't move because I knew there was something terribly wrong with me. I couldn't move one of my legs without terrible pain. Several people stopped, and I told them, I was fine.

I laid in that snow for a while. Thinking of all the work I put into buying those ski's. How much expectation I had put into them. I had done choice 1 to get to choice 2 and had my expectations of result 10................

A rather surreal time in my life that I didn't realize then, how much those words, "Holy Mother Mary of Jesus" would flicker across my mind in the future. My leg was broken, my skiing, my one and only time I ever skied on those ski's done, eventually carried off the mountain by a group of ski patrol and a toboggan.

Last night, when I was laying on my bed, those words, "Holy Mother Mary of Jesus" kept flashing through my mind. I was again laying in the snow, telling everyone I was fine, all the while in pain. I again, heard the boisterous warning call, letting me know I was about to get body smashed.

So today, I say to myself, yes, I hear the words, the warning shout, only this time I must not freeze in the face of fear. I need to make the choice and move out of the way.