Absence of Participation

The absence of participation may have been noticed by some who grace me with their comments and thoughts, or maybe, no one else had noticed except me.

Participation, meaning personal regular entries, and commenting and visiting other journals.

I step up to the stage to explain.

Although our journals were rocked by a not so small explosion last week, my lack of participation had certainly started prior to that. I tried, tenaciously to keep up, to reciprocate the gracious people who gifted me on my journal with comments. With time, and an impossible quest to maintain, I felt like I began to drown in journals. For every 10 alerts I caught up on, another 20 would come in during the time it took to master the first 10. Around the circle I traveled that never ended until I was dizzy.

My online time, that had once felt like an escape became a black hole that I felt I would never see light. So many interesting people, so much kindness and stories, heartfelt struggles and hilarious words to be found.

 Every single journal deserving of my time and attention.

 It is true, I had collected over 130 journal links just on my bloglines, not to mention the long column on my favorites list, and that all equated to the impossible expectations I set within myself.

I felt the uncomfortable tugs of that emotion, called 'your failing this task Rebecca,' knocking on my door, call me crazy, but it felt like all the links I knew I needed to visit started to mock me. Guilt also made it's appearance in my mind and I felt laden with the need to "catch up." Everytime I've sat at my computer, it's been met with the need to do right by people and get my mind and reading eye's over for a visit.

With that statement, here lies my problem. When I sit at this computer, my priority, should be with the other screen, the one hollering for my attention, the one that needs my daily participation ............My novel. The novel that I've let fall to the wayside in my ambitious nature and need to do the right thing, participate and reciprocate with all the beautiful people who grace my pages.

When I look at the amount of time I have in a single day, it doesn't seem to amount to much. Between running a full time business being a full-time Mother without the benefit of ahusband to help me out, toss in all the daily maintain life stuff, then try squeezing writing a novel in there, and then maintain a journal and visiting all the people I really enjoy........It just doesn't add up.

Gawd knows I've been trying to make it add up, shoving the round peg into the square hole type of fruitless trying, and this is why I am standing on this stage today to say, I give up. I cannot maintain this world of journals as I wish with all my heart I could. Tis hard for me to admit, but I am a mere human, and I officially claim defeat.

I need, to finish my book.

I know me, and know I will always put aside what I need for other people, and that is exactly what I've been doing everytime I sit down at this computer. Now, this is certainly a self imposed situation I've set upon myself. But with everything, there is choices to be made, a lot these days actually, and I've made a choice for myself.

I started an online journal, to see what would become of placing my written words outside my room where the walls were black, and where the roof is red. I've been touched more deeply then I ever conceived possible. I've made some priceless friends, I've laughed and cried over others entries, bonded with people I would have never known if not for this medium and most important, discovered that I am not so alone in this place called life. The comments I've received over this last year have been a lifeline to this mind of mine.

I thank everyone for that. A gift that can neither be wrapped, nor explained.

Now, I must take back my online experience, to just writing entries. I must, during this time, focus on my book that has been neglected more then I should admit. I will still place the words that linger in my room, where the walls are black and the roof is red onto my online journals. I need too. I will still be lurking around, just extremely quiet about it. If find myself with some extra time on my hands, you bet I'll be stopping by for a visit.

I hope, with this entry, anyone who wondered why I haven't been by to visit their words lately, will understand why I have been neglectful. That's my fault, 100% and although I wish I could do my part and visit everyone often, I've come to the conclusion, that I just cannot maintain anymore. For this, I am sorry and I ask for forgiveness.

Keep writing, for in my world, I believe, it's the words that set us free.