Tourniquet

 

Before me, the signs enhance me. With a black dog at my feet and a burden of choices on my shoulders, I observe the playing field with conscious desire. Writing in poetic prose becomes my voice and the words my warriors. I am the captain and this is my score. Emotions on fire and trapped decisions on a lovers tongue.

The commercialism of it could cast a definitive best seller. Everyone prospers from the prophesy of misery. A triumph of human spirit, the industry of humanity, the ignorance of a person who wallows in the bayous of emotional knives. White doves and saying no, what becomes of the person who stands in concrete. All my ladies cheer with conviction and the fella's cloak their faces in black robes of hypocrisy. My color wheel is off balance, I'm a once a year clearance sell, voice crackling with the harmony of explosive behaviors. Cowering is something I never dreamed I would be capable of. Shame in a life as a hypocrite is enough to silence any play on the fight.

Cannot name that which troubles, it could be the noose that hangs. Confusion is the walls that surround, clarity comes in the form of missed opportunities. Looking for comparison's I've found empty reasons and blatant excuses. Finely crafted to deliver an exact amount of hold power. When I am done, I will have my story. When it comes to an end, I will carry the knowledge and wisdom for it will be my only reward. With an end, clarity may finally be mine to proudly display.

When I close my eyes I see the wicked world and the mercy streets of every mans dream. They break the misery and cast a peaceful hue to even the most typical situations. I will crash into a union, and my heart will beat again. Only I hold the card to make it go away, only I stand the chance for change.

I deserve that which I stand for, I deserve that which I stand aside for and receive. I deserve what I stand and accept each and every day. I know I deserve a thread of peace, a beat of love, and comfort from that which stands in front of me. A tourniquet of typed words, neither changes nor deflects a person of selfish character, this, I already know, I've tried to reach his thread of compassion a hundred times that way. With an end, clarity may finally be my reward..........

A Result of 10

After a particularly harsh day yesterday, I found myself laying flat on my back on top of the covers to my bed, headphones on, one arm covering my eye's, the other resting across my stomach, listening to this song.........AOL Music: Goo Goo Dolls: 'Iris'

That would be my self inflicted way of making sure to ad icing on the bad day cake.

On days like yesterday, it seems to me, that my normal response is to deflect and survive, then reflect and punish myself for purely self inflicted torture. Although I know all good quotes say, you cannot live in the past, I'd like to go on a mission to collect the ones that encourage me by saying something to the effect that your past, although done, certainly does set the stage for your future.

I believe thats a mathematical certainty.

You can't pull off 1 and 2 and expect to end up with a result of 4, years later. It just doesn't compute. Nope, you make choice 1 and then 2 and what you end up with is some crazy odd number like 3 that doesn't remotely resemble what you were hoping for when you made choice 1 and 2. Is everything really made to be broken?

If I could count the tread marks on my back right now, I believe it would indicate the makings of a mighty fine abstract painting. I'll never be a Thomas Kincade painting.

I suppose, with Thanksgiving being tomorrow, I should be filled with notions of grateful and appreciation, smiling with visions of fine foods and family filled laughter. Yes, it will come, tomorrow, I'm sure.

When I was 16, I had started skiing just the year before. It felt like the right thing to do, my friends were all skiers, so it seemed logical to try it out. I had enjoyed it and spent the next summer begging my parents for new ski's. I was embarrassed to the core that I had been renting ski's, but my parents refused to purchase new one's for me until I was sure I enjoyed it and would help pay for them.

I did.

The next winter, with a half and half contribution from me towards the purchase of my new ski's I had them. They were perfect, beautiful, and had my name engraved in each one, indicating I was a true skier, not just a rental bunny. I watched the skies and prayer for snow and finally.........the ski resortwas open and all my wishes were answered.

With friends in tow, we made our way up the first ski lift and I gave my brand new ski's a try down a rather easy hill. They were marvelous, and I felt like I was truly part of the skiing crowd. Near the bottom of this first hill I stopped, parallel with the hill to wait for a friend, when my skiing took a disastrous turn.

From behind me I heard rather loudly, a man yelling something I've never forgotten. His exact words were, "Holly Mother Mary of Jesus."

I twisted in my ski's to look behind me and to my horror saw a huge man in a red and black flannel shirt wildly out of control on his ski's barreling right at me. I'd like to say I was quick on my ski's and got out of the way, but I didn't move, I froze with fear knowing I was about to be ran over by this wayward skier. With my upper body twisted to look behind me, and my legs and ski's pointing straight, I was indeed ran over by this man.

My new ski poles went flying, one of my ski's popped right out of the boot and went on a free ride down the hill and I took the brunt of his speed, size and everything else square on.

After the snow settled I lay face to face with the man on top of me and pain shooting everywhere in my body. He removed himself off me and quickly apologized and asked if I was all right. I replied that I was fine. I didn't move, just laying there, repeating to him that I was fine and I wished he would just leave me alone, to which he complied.

I laid in that snow until my friend came along, to which I told her I was fine and that I would catch up with her down at the lift. She complied.

I laid in the snow and didn't move because I knew there was something terribly wrong with me. I couldn't move one of my legs without terrible pain. Several people stopped, and I told them, I was fine.

I laid in that snow for a while. Thinking of all the work I put into buying those ski's. How much expectation I had put into them. I had done choice 1 to get to choice 2 and had my expectations of result 10................

A rather surreal time in my life that I didn't realize then, how much those words, "Holy Mother Mary of Jesus" would flicker across my mind in the future. My leg was broken, my skiing, my one and only time I ever skied on those ski's done, eventually carried off the mountain by a group of ski patrol and a toboggan.

Last night, when I was laying on my bed, those words, "Holy Mother Mary of Jesus" kept flashing through my mind. I was again laying in the snow, telling everyone I was fine, all the while in pain. I again, heard the boisterous warning call, letting me know I was about to get body smashed.

So today, I say to myself, yes, I hear the words, the warning shout, only this time I must not freeze in the face of fear. I need to make the choice and move out of the way.

Absence of Participation

The absence of participation may have been noticed by some who grace me with their comments and thoughts, or maybe, no one else had noticed except me.

Participation, meaning personal regular entries, and commenting and visiting other journals.

I step up to the stage to explain.

Although our journals were rocked by a not so small explosion last week, my lack of participation had certainly started prior to that. I tried, tenaciously to keep up, to reciprocate the gracious people who gifted me on my journal with comments. With time, and an impossible quest to maintain, I felt like I began to drown in journals. For every 10 alerts I caught up on, another 20 would come in during the time it took to master the first 10. Around the circle I traveled that never ended until I was dizzy.

My online time, that had once felt like an escape became a black hole that I felt I would never see light. So many interesting people, so much kindness and stories, heartfelt struggles and hilarious words to be found.

 Every single journal deserving of my time and attention.

 It is true, I had collected over 130 journal links just on my bloglines, not to mention the long column on my favorites list, and that all equated to the impossible expectations I set within myself.

I felt the uncomfortable tugs of that emotion, called 'your failing this task Rebecca,' knocking on my door, call me crazy, but it felt like all the links I knew I needed to visit started to mock me. Guilt also made it's appearance in my mind and I felt laden with the need to "catch up." Everytime I've sat at my computer, it's been met with the need to do right by people and get my mind and reading eye's over for a visit.

With that statement, here lies my problem. When I sit at this computer, my priority, should be with the other screen, the one hollering for my attention, the one that needs my daily participation ............My novel. The novel that I've let fall to the wayside in my ambitious nature and need to do the right thing, participate and reciprocate with all the beautiful people who grace my pages.

When I look at the amount of time I have in a single day, it doesn't seem to amount to much. Between running a full time business being a full-time Mother without the benefit of ahusband to help me out, toss in all the daily maintain life stuff, then try squeezing writing a novel in there, and then maintain a journal and visiting all the people I really enjoy........It just doesn't add up.

Gawd knows I've been trying to make it add up, shoving the round peg into the square hole type of fruitless trying, and this is why I am standing on this stage today to say, I give up. I cannot maintain this world of journals as I wish with all my heart I could. Tis hard for me to admit, but I am a mere human, and I officially claim defeat.

I need, to finish my book.

I know me, and know I will always put aside what I need for other people, and that is exactly what I've been doing everytime I sit down at this computer. Now, this is certainly a self imposed situation I've set upon myself. But with everything, there is choices to be made, a lot these days actually, and I've made a choice for myself.

I started an online journal, to see what would become of placing my written words outside my room where the walls were black, and where the roof is red. I've been touched more deeply then I ever conceived possible. I've made some priceless friends, I've laughed and cried over others entries, bonded with people I would have never known if not for this medium and most important, discovered that I am not so alone in this place called life. The comments I've received over this last year have been a lifeline to this mind of mine.

I thank everyone for that. A gift that can neither be wrapped, nor explained.

Now, I must take back my online experience, to just writing entries. I must, during this time, focus on my book that has been neglected more then I should admit. I will still place the words that linger in my room, where the walls are black and the roof is red onto my online journals. I need too. I will still be lurking around, just extremely quiet about it. If find myself with some extra time on my hands, you bet I'll be stopping by for a visit.

I hope, with this entry, anyone who wondered why I haven't been by to visit their words lately, will understand why I have been neglectful. That's my fault, 100% and although I wish I could do my part and visit everyone often, I've come to the conclusion, that I just cannot maintain anymore. For this, I am sorry and I ask for forgiveness.

Keep writing, for in my world, I believe, it's the words that set us free.

Times 3

I have done what I could.

I have shouted to the overlords of control.

I made my voice clear.

I have used my words to voice my opinion.

I made decisions based on what I can control.

I respect the choice of all others.

I admire my fellow writers.

I cannot abandon what I created, whether marred or scratched, defiled or invaded.

It is still my words, my spirit and thoughts. They can slap me down from a corporate stance, but I will again stand and nurture what is mine.

Words will be split between two worlds, a safe haven free from invasion and a haven that already owns so much of me.

This is my choice. Two avenues, two homes, all encompassing the pieces of me. I have done what I could.

 

I have shouted to the overlords of control.

I made my voice clear.

I have used my words to voice my opinion.

I made decisions based on what I can control.

I respect the choice of all others.

I admire my fellow writers.

I cannot abandon what I created, whether marred or scratched, defiled or invaded.

It is still my words, my spirit and thoughts. They can slap me down from a corporate stance, but I will again stand and nurture what is mine.

Words will be split between two worlds, a safe haven free from invasion and a haven that already owns so much of me.

This is my choice. Two avenues, two homes, all encompassing the pieces of me.

 

I have done what I could.

I have shouted to the overlords of control.

I made my voice clear.

I have used my words to voice my opinion.

I made decisions based on what I can control.

I respect the choice of all others.

I admire my fellow writers.

I cannot abandon what I created, whether marred or scratched, defiled or invaded.

It is still my words, my spirit and thoughts. They can slap me down from a corporate stance, but I will again stand and nurture what is mine.

Words will be split between two worlds, a safe haven free from invasion and a haven that already owns so much of me.

This is my choice. Two avenues, two homes, all encompassing the pieces of me.

I love my pages, more then I hate what AOL has done to me...............

No Title Worthy Of These Words

This week, I've started and stopped many journal entries for both of the journals I claim.

My heart, just hasn't been there, my sense of loyalty to the journal I've worked so long and heartfelt on, has played a series of mental battles, begging to stay with AOL, then opening our pages and seeing the defiled ads across the top and insisting I move away. AOL's invasion of my privacy and use of my private world is reprehensible to the point of criminal...........

The Rebecca, the whole me and I, is still sitting in the middle of her packed up pages, the world that I created, brokenhearted at the possibilities of leaving. I've left that huge chunk of her  at In The Shadow Of The Iris sitting atop the boxes and luggage and I believe at this point in time, I can only be patient and wait to see if we leave or not.

In my exploration and gathering of fact's, opinions, and voices of my fellow journalers this week, I've also found myself dismayed to the point of almost downright angry at a few individuals. The back stabbing, back talking, back lashing entries and comments I've gathered up during my reading was enough to make me downright sick. Period.

Here's my thoughts. A group of people become angry over a matter. Not every person has to become distraught over said matter, I neither expect or think everyone should carry the same opinion as I do, a fairly simple example of individual choice. Nor would I expect everyone to instantly share the same opinion as I do, that would be hypocritical and hypocrisy at it's finest hour.

Possibly some of the strongest voices or well known voices in the group shout loud and proud to the world what they believe are injustices. I admire that. For that matter, some of the smaller voices shout loud and proud of their thoughts, I admire that. It's about voice, not counter counts. Furthermore, some people didn't mind the intrusion, and stated so, I admire that very much too.....But, a group of people, who dive beneath the low threads of humanity, see this as a chance to strike out about the very people they once visited and at least pretended to enjoy.

Is it jealousy? Is it a disgusting example of high school mentality to attack the very people who were once a main core to a community or a quiet thread to the network? Above all, it's the people who hold the entire "It's not fair " mentality and they see such a time as one big opportunity to pat their selves on the back and announce "good riddance to the jocks and the cheerleaders" and big wigs around the community now with a "there will be more room for me."

To me, that is the lowest hour, over the course of this previous week.

That's right, I've found those people's comments and entries and I was disgusted. So disgusted that should you be one of those people, that lashed numerous people in regard to their choices, etc., and are reading my pages, I say proudly, you are no longer welcome to read my words.

I personally cannot stand such narrow minded, simple minded mentality and have no issue saying so. If you made the comments you did, to coincide with the entry of the journaler, or vise versa, you obviously didn't remember that the written word, once typed, is there to stay and for public consumption. Words, written in spite, typically will come back to haunt you, much like gossip will do with the negative use of words in person.

Say only kind things about people and you will never have to the need to whisper.............

I would also like to clarify something I found rather humorous that I came across, because it too angered me. About the VIVI award I received. No, I did not sleep with anyone to receive it. I also did not toss on a cheerleaders outfit and shout to the world that I expected and needed one. I also did not get on my knees and beg people to vote for me, nor did I rig anything.

This sort of immaturity, "it's not fair because, well, just because" followed by inconceivable reasoning's why someone won an award not only disappoints me, it also shows me that some individuals would rather rake some people over the coals rather then look upon their own journal for the answers of why they were not nominated for a VIVI.

So for me personally, I say shame on those people who generalized me and my intentions, my journal and my writing. You have insulted me and embarrassed yourself.

For those who are part of the chiding "Losah's club," the above paragraphs are not intended for you. I understand and see the difference between the playful banter and the people who have been downright nasty and opinionated about their losses and feelings directly about the winners specifically. Should anyone not understand the difference, I would expect an email informing me so that I may clarify.

As you can see, I am angry today. Angry about several things and several issues. I haven't decided what is worse, AOL's invasion of my privacy, or the sad, sad, backlash I've witnessed of people turning on the very people who helped support this community.

I hope, that soon, I can find an even ground again and restart what my journal was all about, ME. I don't know if it will always be here, or another playground. I usually like to take time to make a choice. Gawd knows I've made enough wrong choices in my life and whether small or large, I'm trying to make the right choice by me today.

And I stand now to say, I respect each persons INDIVIDUAL choice, as to whether they are staying, moving, deleting, restoring, going private, or coming back from private. The residence one stays in, makes no difference to me, the choice someone makes, I will ALWAYS honor and respect...........just as I expect others to do for me.

Thank you everyone who has visited these pages.
And to think, I spent the last 2 months organizing ALL those links into bloglines, just to start over all again................

(Edit: these words are the personal feelings of MOI not to be agreed upon, or accepted, or expected, or anything that would fall into the overall picture. No one needs to, or should, or has to, or doesn't, need to agree. I simply needed to get a few thoughts off MY personal chest and they are what they are. I for one, have never had any expectations or obligation when it came to my journal>

 

A side, silly little moment for me, because it was indeed something I was looking forward too, if you are the person who is my 20,000 visitor, please let me know in the comments below. Thank You.

Invasion of Privacy

Privacy has many meanings to me.

       I am one who prefers to lurk in shadows, coveting my private times, my private spaces, my private thoughts, and my private writings.

       Although I write in a public forum such as this, I still consider it a private matter. No family members know of my space here, no 3 dimensional friends know of it's existence, no one knows about my space, unless I've showed them the pathway. If you are reading this because you've stumbled upon my pages via other journals and such, I still consider that part of the private club we all have enlisted in.  

       Therefore, on the premise that these pages are a private matter, that contains my extremely personal thoughts and musings, it would be of no surprise that I'm extremely upset about signing onto my journal and being accosted by flashing lights of Quizno's ad banners.

       I used to believe the worst thing someone could do within my personal pages was leave a nasty comment, therefore defiling my personal walls and confines with heartless or callous notions. I stand corrected now.

       What I never dreamed would happen, that people within the confines of AOL corporate, would take it upon themselves to sneak into my personal pages during the middle of the night, hijack the entire upper portion of my journal and defile it with advertisements of companies I may or may not even like.

       Not only is it ugly, it upsets the balance, the ambiance, the peaceful appreciation I had always felt within the walls of my personal space.

I did not give permission for anyone to change the walls of my personal space.
I did not open the doors of my personal space to be spray painted with AOL graffiti.
I did not condone or warrant any such changes in something that carries my personal screen name, that I pay a high price per second online, and claim as my own.

Should I stand to be corrected? Is this space not something that I personally created, that I have labored with over the course of a year? That I've placed my thoughts, my emotions, my tears and my joys within? If I had known................that someone else could come in at any time and dictate what was contained in my personal pages, I would have chosen a different safe route to write my words.

It's not even about the hideous advertisements across the entire top of my journal. This is about an invasion of privacy and that is something that I cannot stand for. No warning, no choice, no voice, no course of action. I won't stand for an invasion of privacy in my home, how am I to be expected to accept this invasion of my personal web space?

I can't and I won't.

I have seen where in entries, a writer has blasted another, a situation, and commenters come along and agree and sometimes, things become a lynch mob, lemmings style party. Usually, I do not condone this type of behavior.

But on such a thing as blatant invasion of privacy, I will hope, others will voice their thoughts, and just possibly, many voices can make a difference.

AOL writes on their feedback page
"We are committed to putting you and your family first in everything we do"

If this is true, they will quietly apologize for invading my personal space
and quickly remove their propaganda from my walls.
Otherwise, my clone journal, created specifically for me to muse around with my novel writing, will become my refugee journal.

http://intheshadowoftheiris.blogspot.com/

Show Me The Links

~A Formal Request~
~Please~

In my never ending quest to catch up with everyone, I'm still failing miserably.
It is incredibly time consuming trying to find everyone's links sometimes.
I'm CLOSE, but not close enough on my bloglines.
SO in honor of helping me out, could everyone who visits, please leave me a comment with their journal link.
This includes, those who's links I probably have memorized.
Those who lurk and never comment......<yep I'm talking to YOU, no hiding this time pullleessee....I'll whine if I have too, oh yes, I can do that well enough, if it would help>

Show me the Links
This is your chance, flash 'em like you got 'em~
Flaunt your personal link like it's a free strip show~
Parade your address like it's going out of style~
Zip it down like it's a credit card with no limits~

I am the bag lady who collects links~

Just Do It,

Nike it,

Type it,

Stomp It,

Highlight it,

Share the Love

You are feeling sleepy, and must submit a link,

I bet you can do it faster then it takes me to drudge around looking for it.
I'll give you a present in the form of a comment, heck I might even comment Spam you!  <now thats some enticement, did it work? >

Thanks from the scattered, wanna be organized, person behind the screen.

Happy Journal Birthday To ME~

I almost missed it!!!
It's my journal Birthday!!!
Bad Rebecca!

11/8/04
One years worth of words.
19,265 Visitors
185 entries including this one.
3097 comments left
>yes I found a cool little link that shows these stats<

       First I must thank Judith at  Mirror, Mirror on the Wall for being the primary reason I realized today is my journal birthday. You see, I was the lucky number 10,000 at her journal last night. And yes, I admit it darnit, when I visited it was at 9995 and I refreshed exactly 5 times to bestow the victorious 10,000 visitor comment. Because of that little honor, I realized I hadn't looked at my counter in ages and had no idea what number I was at. First I noticed I was getting darn close to the mother number of 20,000 and then I noticed it, November 8th 2004. By damn, I almost missed my own journal birthday!!!

       All right, I'll spare everyone some mushy stuff. I've mushed and gushed enough lately. I'm a humble piece of mush. So, in honor of my journal birthday a few thoughts about this community. Hmm, ok this could get mushy, just one more time, I promise!

       First I would like to thank Karen at Jukebox Woman for being my very first commenter. Her first comment has always been an inspiration to me to keep writing, even the tough stuff.

       So many people to mention............so many people..........I'll do my best and go down my journal lists~

Paul, Aurora Walking Vacation your the first person to ever take the notice, time and interest to suggest and coax me into thinking I could possibly be a poet. Poetry, is something I never exactly thought I wrote until you pointed out the subjective obvious. I personally contribute your nudges with the fact that for the first time ever, I have submitted an actual poem <still struggling with that word, but damn if I'm not doing it> for a national poetry contest...........I'll let you know how it goes.

Virginia,  Animal Spirits your wisdom is something I've leaned on and admire. A strong soul I can feel across the states, your beauty and love is precious.

Tilly, Adventures of a desperately fat housewife first edition, signed and shipped upon publishing straight to Idaho. You have "it" the thing so many writers only wish came naturally. So, I will continue to nudge you.....dangit, someone has to knock J.K. off her pedestal someday!

J.J. Adventures of an Eclectic Mind  one of the first people who was so kind to me. Your a darling in this community and my adoration was straight from the start. Plus, your stories just amaze me!

Dawn, Carpe Diem - Seize the Day thank you for always giving such wonderful comments, a smile and may I mention, I adore your poetry. WIshing you well right now, health and no more IV's are going to be yours and soon. Take care, you and your family, our thoughts are with you.

Charles  Am I thinking that I love your stories, and they way you tell us your daily adventures. I look forward to keeping up with your adventures and someday maybe we'll get to play a video game!

Barb, HEY! LET'S TALK going to your pages is like getting cozy in a big comfy couch. Your wisdom radiates off your pages, your thoughts are well written and take a reader deep inside your world, and it's easy to reflect them right back into my own. A positive light is always a beautiful gift to hold on to, and you do that for this community.

Brian The Love Train the journalville comment poet. High marks for most original comments to be found. Your help in the community really shined through the VIVI's, and your words, comments certainly leave a mark where ever you go. Keep it up Romeo and you will find your real live Julliet out there~

Debbie My Big Fat Greek Life  OPA! I've only just begun <thats a sappy song huh?> to read your journal and just love how you present your pages to all of us. Your stories are well written,intriguing and FUN. The pictures lately, for the Halloween contest, had me rolling in laughter and sympathy for the subjects :o) Thank you for coming by my pages, if you hadn't left a link, I wouldn't have found your delightful world. Makes me want to yell OPA!

Derek, Celebration of My Exhistance I love your pictures and stories of Nana. I'm glad I've inspired some great memories in your world and always enjoy reading about them!

Dee,Dear Diary darlin you've always been such a bright spot on my journal. I admire the amazing things you do for humanity, you are truly an inspiration for everyone!

Charley, Courage your pages are always an inspiration, thought provoking and something to gleam idea's from. I thank you for this!!!

Omar,  Detached and Indifferent Expressions oh my Lord of everything that hasn't already been tagged. My appreciation for Barry Manilow is well, still a flat line, but I can contribute the voice of Colors and Barry for bringing sinister stomping throughout journalville. It takes a powerful Lord to accomplish a ripple in the sea and you my friend are rather good at it. I look forward to more stomping~

Carly, Ellipsis your pages are always beautiful, a delight for my mind to read and beautifully written. I still can't place a typing finger on why I don't comment more, but it's something about every entry that I lurk in, read and selfishly leave with your words.

Penny  Fresh Cup.. your comments on my journal always bring me such a smile. Best new journal Vivi award is most suiting, your a bright spot in this community!!!

Mary, Hunybea's Open Journal  your comments are always so warmingand your journal pages an inspiration to all who visit you. Always giving me thoughts for extra thoughts, and you know, I appreciate that!!

MaryAnne My feelings are real.. Your comments are always appreciated, insightful, and give me pause. Your entries are ALWAYS interesting, and just sort of suck you in, swirl you around in laughter, heartfelt thought, and ah ha moments. Your latest entry, had me wanting to crawl through the screen and give a big hug, lets be two-faced screwballs together!

Jessica, Jessica's thoughts & feelings hey there!Your journal is always a treat for me, your comments a precious gift. Keep up with your inspirational journal. I love the one line blurts that have a special way of making me stop and think when I receive the alert. Usually a couple right after one another. And then I find myself thinking "irony" for hours to come!

Chris, Inane thoughts and insane ramblings  what can I say here. I've adored your pages since I found them. I've admired your relationship and the way you think things through. Now, as soon as I can get out east, I'm coming for dinner!!!!!

Gem, Journally Yours  you bring me energy. I wish I could explain it, but your comments and journal, give me a shot in the arm, no matter what you've written. Something that I always enjoy and always relish. Another bright spot in the world of journals. Keep on keeping on.........

Lori,   Purple Snapdragons your perspective is divine and I always look forward to your comments! I thank you for gifting me with your thoughts and always love visiting your journal myself. Now, find a beautiful home to move into!!

Michelle,  (((Reflections))) what can I say here, I could go on and on..... I adore your comments, I adore your journal, I think your a strong woman with a honest voice in life. An honest voice is something I admire. Thank you and by the way, the pics in your journal have looked wonderful!

Ari, Reflections of Ari Ummmmmm your pinkolicious personality just radiates from your pages. From the first entry I read I was hook, line and sinker........caught like a fish. Your humor and wit blows me away, and yet, sometimes, you show this other side, especially at my journal and when you do, your wisdom lights up my pages just as your humor bonfires in yours.

Chuck  Separation anxiety your words are something that spur me to take a closer look at things in life. I always love a challenge of thought, a shuffle of perspective and a nudge of "think harder Rebecca" Wishing youlight from below.........

Stacy,Simple Escape one of my long time journal friends. Wishing you well and good times through the snow this winter! Although you may not write as much anymore, it's good to know you are still around and I'll wait patiently for your next updates!

Spencer  Spencer's Place your poetry is always from the heart and I respect your ability to show your experiences through the course of words. Your one of the first poets I read on journals, and will always remain one of my favorites.

Cynthia,  Sorting the pieces your pages, your comments. What can I say, that would do you justice. Your perspective and way with words are so honest, so thought provoking and well written that I find most of the time I just jump right inand absorb as much as I can. Your wisdom flows through our community and I look forward to every entry. Thank You.

Celeste, the dailies I've come to look forward to your comments. Can I nominate you for the Queen of one sentence comments that pack a wallop of meaning? I love a person who can convey as much as you do with finesse and wit like that! Can I steal from Ari here and say "You rock!" ?

SierraJazz, Tiny Drop Big Ocean  I've been watching your poetry take form and come alive on your pages. Thats right, I pay attention :o) Your comments always bring me a smile and I thank you, for giving me of your time and gift of words!!

Shaz, THE MEANING OF LIFE ..... Hmmmmm, can I say that your comments crack me up, make me smile and usually throw me for a good old loop! Your flair for words and life radiate off your comments andjournal. I'm so glad you have your picture on your pages, because honestly your exactly how my imagination had you dreamed up to be from your very first comment. Flair my dear, is a naturally beautiful thing not everyone has! Sorry I stood you up Sat. Night!!!

Flava,  The Life and Times of Flava I have your BOOK in my hot little hands. I've just started reading it and will provide my formal book recommendation as soon as I am done. I find myself in awe what you've accomplished and draw inspiration from your story. Your energy is glorious, keep that energy going..........

Bruce, the wizard of ahs your words have given me inspiration on more then one occasion. I've taken more advice then you could realize. I thank you for that. You have a strong voice, and it's nice to come across someone always willing to speak their mind and soul. Wishing you health my friend.

Tanya, Tanya's Expressions your journals are always fun. You got me thinking so much about Halloween spooky movies, I had to go out and rent of few of the classics!! Your poetry is always a treat, Hmmmmmmmm your entries are always fun! I neverknow what I'm going to be surprised with.

Jeff,  What the hell.. I love your current writing assignment. It's always a treat to see how you write about each new topic. You've got a writers talent for making even the most obscure topic interesting!! Good luck with your newest challenge, I'm with you on that one......I'm with you........

Renee, www.TimelessCalligraphyStudio  Your pages are such a delight to visit. Your photography and artwork, your writing and poetry. So much talent wrapped up into once single person. I look forward to every visit.

Dawn, Web Of Dreams your poetry is always a treasure for me to venture through. And then, you went and created a marvelous place foreveryone to share their poetry. Thank you for doing what you do. It is appreciated more then you may realize.

Amanda  HEY I'M COUNTRYYour such a sweet heart and I mean that in the most admirable way. Your picture just makes me smile, your stories touch me from the funny spots to the heartfelt places. Thank you, for being part of my journal experience.

Courtenay, DISCERNMENT Oh you. The person whom I created their own personal folder for. Containing 9 of your journals so I could try to keep up :o) Your community spirit shines through. Your thoughtful entries, and emails have always kept me in the loop and I thank you for that!!! Keep writing my friend, we all enjoy your words as often as you gift them!

B-Creativity--Bits and Pieces Your journal has always been of great interest to me. Your style, your clean cut words, beautiful artwork, idea's and creativity is so inspiring to me. I love your tidbits and gleam plenty of organization and creative idea's from your pages. Keep going and I can't wait until the day I get to purchase something published by you!

Tammy, Life, live it or miss out  your words effected me from the first time I read them. I admire who you are, I wish you the very best on your endeavorand KNOW you will make it happen. Thank you for extending your friendship beyond the borders, it's a treasure.

Judith HeartSong,  Judith HeartSong your light shines in my life. From the beautiful artwork hanging above my computer every day, to the beautiful words on your journal pages, to the inspiration you unselfishly grace every one of us daily. This community would not be the same without you. Thank you, for being you.

Jodi,  Looking Beyond the Cracked Window....one of the first journals I ever started reading. I have watched your writing progress with each new entry. Your poetry on Messages, is soenchanting, it's time the world knew about it. Your poetry reaches into my soul and stirs things around. This my dear friend is what I consider the most important part of writing, the ability to thread itself into other peoples minds. You accomplish that daily with your writing. Thank You, for extending yourfriendship beyond the borders, it's a treasure.

Judith,  Mirror, Mirror on the Wall what can I say. From your ghosting around my journal that drove me crazy until I tracked you down like a hunter with their prey in the sights of a gun, to discovering that you too had a journal that I instantly fell in love with, to your hitting my 10,000visitor, to extending our friendship that has turned into something I would have never dared dreamed possible. Onward to me hitting your 10,000th visitor. So much more in between, that I'll selfishly keep to myself. Thank you my friend. Thank You.


And to the many, many other journalers that have gifted me with their time, their thoughts, and their friendship. I dare say, I know I haven't mentioned everyone I should have and for that I blame space, and having a favorites list, and now all the latest blogs I've added over at bloglines. I have no doubt I've missed many people I shouldn't have........but as I figure it out, I promise, I'll do right by you!!!!

Plus, there is all the new journals I've discovered lately....like Chuck would say "Oy, I'm missing a lot of people here!!"

Thank You, everyone

Darn, I missed posting this monster of an entry by 4 minutes Mountain Time. Oh well, I tried..........all a person can do when time gets the better of you is

Knick Knacks

"Rebecca, what do you think you have a knack for?" asked a friend of mine.

       This above question was asked to me after I had just pegged my friend by telling her she had a knack for making me laugh, even in the times I had no desire to laugh.
Her question was followed by my own hollow silence. I froze when I realized the question was one of those direct assaults that would require verbal self appreciation.

       I tried an evasive maneuver and responded with, "I have a knack for thinking like a fish and thats why I can catch so many when no one else does." My friend busted me when she responded to my answer with "chicken shit, you can do better then that, give me another."

       My next try as I searched out the perfect answer to remove the cross hair of her mental shotgun from my forehead seemed much better, "I have a knack for writing." To which she said, "Thats much better, but I want to know a knack that you have on other people."

       Knick knack patty WHACK upside my temple of mental fortitude. I then tried a childlike behavior, and responded, "Well, what do you think I have a knack for?" This is one crafty friend, she didn't play the game. Nope, she insisted I TELL HER something I personally thought of myself.

       I went through a list. Knack for spinning a tasty tale via writing, and sometimes, I can even tell a verbal tale that keeps people interested. A knack for listening, I fished that one out to her, and she didn't disagree but keep pushing my buttons. Knack for taking the high road, that one scored me an agreement. A knack for being a good mediator, resulted in a murmured yep.

       But the woman kept on pushing and poking and prodding until finally I said, "I've given you a list, thats good enough my darling friend who's about to get pushed off a cliff."

       This is where she said her trump card. "Rebecca, I find it interesting you named all those things, because I do agree, but your still missing the one thing I think you have a knack for that I think people appreciate the most from you."

       I was left rubbing my neck and looking up to the ceiling for the answer. I thought I had covered most of my bases, the things I felt I did rather well. I looked to her for the answer again.

       She, the prying pushy kind of friend I adore said, " Rebecca, I think you have a knack for making people feel really comfortable and thats the one thing I've always loved about you."

       She let me chew it around in my mind for a while and I didn't ask questions. I don't even know what someone could respond with to such a statement. But it was also something I had never thought about, or distinguished about myself. A knack, is something we're good at right?

       So how many knacks can someone carry around with them? I could probably think of a few more, like my knack for cleaning the entire house in less then 20 minutes if a person calls me and says they are in neighborhood and headed over with a few minutes notice. A clean job that would normally take 2 hours I might add. I also possess the knack for procrastination. But thats a negative knack, so I'll ignore that one for tonight!

       So I'm curious, taking away all chicken knack's, and going straight for the inner knack's that shine in positive light, I pose this question tonight. Go for the golden one, the one that makes you squirm uncomfortably in your chair. I would like to know what kind of knack's everyone has.

       No need to be shy, no evasive tactics, we want details here in this community. Ok, ok, I'm just nosey and want the specifics, I'm good like that~

       What is your most glorious personal knack?

Then, take it a step further and ask someone who knows you well, what kind of knack they personally think your really good at. The difference in answers can make a person go "ahhhh haaa"

Tis good to go ahh haaa once in awhile.

Your Gift

It was indeed a wonderful break this weekend. I feel refreshed and prepared to take on the world,
~hear me roar ~
All right, maybe not roar, but hear me sigh with a fresh new perspective and will to keep my sword drawn, and my smile beaming.

~~~~~~~~~~~

~~Most Well-Written Journal Vivi Award~~
Was my present upon returning this weekend.
Thank you, to all who voted for my journal corner, of this community.
Your comments and emails, were a wonderful greeting upon returning home.

I am awe struck and appreciative. It's surreal and dynamically humbling.

Thank You, to this community for your
support and inspiration.
It will be something I carry with me, till the end of my time.
You have given me a gift, that can never be boxed or forgotten.

Now, it's time for me to regain my journal composure and ease back into the flow of things.
It's also time I lasso my reality based world back into the corral and tone things down a bit. I believe this week is the perfect week to accomplish both.
Routine, can be a nice little fluffy pillow to lay your day to day on and this week, I'm holding my pillow nice and close.

Wishing everyone well and again, thank you for your inspiration.

 However big or small it may seem, it has made a difference in my life.  

    

A Closer ConFessional

To complicate is under estimating the concept of normalcy.
Decency is the product of isolation framed in cheery moments and hypocrisy induced mental wrecks.

I am all and nothing of such notions.

Omission is a pretty form of a liars web. I've omitted enough in my life to create a rather beautiful artistic impression of my portrayal to the outside entities I collide with. Omission is a brilliant form of avoidance and I'm finely skilled at not saying a single word, therefore, omitting that which is encased within.

Omissions is akin to blaming a muse being on vacation. Omission is the art of not expressing, foregoing voice and pretending all is bright in a world lacking a light bulb.

Created equation and resulting simple answer.
I'm in a black mood these days.
Omitting it, hasn't resolved a single thing.

A black mood of course, requires several contributing colliding factors. I've been able to add a check mark to all boxes provided. It will pass, this I never worry about. Complicated contributions that have no need to be detailed here, has gotten the better of my workings. This, happens. This, I am all right with. This, I am not worried about.

My aggravations are interesting enough. Room is given for reflection and preventative measures in the future. Besides, sometimes, a black mood can be the perfect drug to slow things to a crawl, in my world anyway.

I see it as being relative to the size of your tolerance.

This may come as a surprise based on some of my writings, but in my reality based world, I'm considered by most as an extremely even tempered, even toned moods, even keeled person of the bunch. 99.9% of the people in my world have never seen me cry, yell, rant or rave.

That is of course by design.

You set a precedence and falling below the level of normalcy can cause a ruckus among those who depend on you.

These pages, I get to show a different side. It also shows me how much I intentionally omit in my surroundings. Representation of different angles and slices of a personal entity. This is what writing does for me. In verbal words, it feels like a violation of my existence. In written words it feels like a release of core.

No one can have my aggravations. My blackness is mine to nurture and heal. My light is mine to shine abound. My representation is mine to convey. It's my way of keeping myself close at heart and mind and portrayal may be omissions, it may be careful representations, or perhaps, I am just as open as the next.

Just to be closer, is one step I'm always willing to make.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Within my dark, I'm afraid, my words have become quiet,
my journal visiting has suffered, my commenting has fallen to a drop a day.
I hope, that no one, would feel as though I have deserted their journal.
I hope, that no one would take offense to my lack of written comments.
I am still reading, I am still absorbing, quietly and contentedly.
I seek, a temporary pardon from the people whom I selfishly and gratefully absorb inspiration from every day.

~~~~~~~~

Have a wonderful weekend everyone.
I will be hiding in the Mountains without all the conveniences of modern cell phones, Internet lines and even TV.
It should be a perfect weekend in solitude~