My First Shiner

Things have been taking a wee bit of heavy thought process around these pages lately, so today I thought I'd lighten it up a bit. Now, to appropriately lighten things up, it's as simple as looking at my day to day adventurers.

       I recently announced I was leaving my golf glove and PGA tour seduced thoughts on the putting green, in lieu of a boxing rink and some flesh pounding boxing gloves. On Friday night I participated in my first boxing event and received my first shiner. Now before you think my new coaches threw me into a rink like raw meat to the wolves, I need to explain.

       It was an actual boxing match, in which I dressed nicely, good jeans, nice top and of course my black bitch boots, and I had to purchase tickets to watch. So no, I wasn't fighting. So how did I end up with a shiner next to my left eye anyway? Well, I wish I could say some pumped up, viciously scary woman decided to pick on me and I engaged in a fist to fist, fight for your right to watch boxing brawl, but it wasn't even that good.

       No, this shiner is the result of a fist to fist, jump for your right, for a flipping T-shirt.
      
       Now, this was my first experience at a paid boxing match. The moods were set, the crowd was pumped up, and I discovered much like I've seen on TV, they also hire local strippers to walk around holding up numbered signs between rounds wearing practically nothing. One of the girls, I really felt bad for, but resisted the urge to go up and whisper in her ear that the G-string wasn't covering the big pimple on her butt......but well, thats a whole different thought process, getting back to my shiner...........After a few different matches, about 10 of the grotesquely undressed strippers/rink rat babes <you men will have to tell me what they are supposed to be called> got into the rink with a few boxes that contained wrapped up T-shirts from the local Golds Gym.

       The crowd went wild.You would have thought they were throwing gold bars, or tickets for one night stands with the rink babes. I happened to have purchased good seats, on the floor and as can be expected, the rink babes couldn't throw very far. I think it's hard to toss anything when your standing on 5 inch, platformheels.  Plus, if you throw too hard your boob will pop out of the Band-Aid across your chest, anyway, I'm drifting again, back to the shiner. The whole crowd from behind surged upon my expensive seating area.

       Then I saw it, a precious coveted T-shirt was tumbling it's way directly at me. I stood in anticipation, put my hands out in front of me, ready to spring a mid-air grab when all hell broke loose. I was attacked from behind, from the sides, and from above. The above attack was what did me in. It seems, this man was so hell bent on receiving a T-shirt for Golds Gym he was willing to take out anyone in his path.

       I believe he thought he could rocket himself into the air above me by jumping off the seat behind me and using me as leverage and a landing pad. All I know is that I buckled from his weight and he did indeed swipe my T-shirt from my hands and he came down on me, while somehow I took an elbow to the eye.

       Yes, I was pissed.

       After untangling him off me and instantly placing a hand over my eye to make sure it was still there, I stood up to my full height <bitch boot adds extra inches> and looked down on this little pip-squeak holding what should have been, my pink tank top from Golds Gym. I verbally whiplashed him, yes I did, but details would cross the TOS lines, sooooo think creatively. I'm not proud and I whipped him like there was no tomorrow. He felt bad enough to hand over my pink shirt and quickly disappeared into the crowd.

       My eye was throbbing, but I'm tough enough, I ignored it. It wasn't until I got home that evening that I noticed a bluish shadow and a strange swelling. I didn't mind the color, it was the swelling I didn't take a liking too. I looked like an unbalanced creature from Star Wars.

       My T-shirt is safely in the hands of my daughter, she likes pink. I almost kept it and had it framed with the words "First Shiner from a Boxing event" but then, I'd have to explain that it wasn't from a real fight.

       I really thought I was ready to catch a T-shirt. I've been to enough weddings to know the special techniques required for catching a brides flower bouquet. Precise positioning, perfectly timed jumping moment, grab and protect to the chest like a football. But NOW I know, if you have bad positioning, simply launch off the back of the person in front of you. This enables you to get higher then everyone around and you'll have a nice cushy landing pad. But, elbows in, so I can't get sued.

And how was your weekend?