Expression

Last night, in my handwritten journal, I was staring at it's blank pages willing myself to write something, anything, and then a thought stuck me. A smile grew across my face and I had a feeling, like that of Christmas morning, come over my demeanor.

       I wrote in large letters with abandon and true thrill, gifting myself with this realization...............

~I Will Never Run Out of Words~

       Who would have thought, thinking, writing such a thing would make me feel so glorious, but it did. Possibly, it's not meant to be explained, maybe my love affair with words and the expressions they can create for me, is partially mixed with crazy writer mentality, but it's there, all me, nonetheless.......

       I've also realized, that within my journal, I've provided a partial, fair representation of the person that is me. Words that paint the picture, show the expression and give the impression of my world.

       Going back over the entries I've presented to the public for representation of myself, I found some interesting discoveries about myself. I've found through writing, I'm willing to show the world that I am a fly fisher and sometimes dare devil in my outside activities. I'm willing to share the topics that I come across day to day that leave me pondering and wondering about humanity and the people in it. I'm willing to share my thoughts on about every topic whether they are blazing fires of brimstone or as simple as getting a speeding ticket. I've only just begun to share my personal struggle with writing a book and the aggravations it's given me. There are also many things I don't talk about, details of my life, day to day going on's, specific people, my daughters I'll write about occasionaly, and never about work..........

       I've also brought a personal struggle with my past/present into my pages. Going through my entries, I've realized that through my writing I've showed that I struggle with something, something from my past that I made wrong choices about.

       It is something that breaks my heart and also provides for plenty of writing inspiration. Words paint a picture and I've realized that I've only shown half a canvas to the people who bless me with their visits and wisdom. The reoccurring theme of many of my entries in which I speak of my horizon, past, and choices gone wrong, is actually something I'm still faced with day to day, something that isn't over and part of my past. It's a chance, that I still have, that I still covet and still struggle with. Patience is still waiting for me, and the clock towers of time are getting louder and louder. My choices in my past on this one said topic, are still very much relevant to my present and my future.

       I know details would shed some light, but in this manner of public forum, I will admit I walk a fine line between my reality and these cyber pages. This is why I skirt the finer details. This is why I leave so much of myself still shrouded in the shadows. My pages here, are my sanctuary yet, I must keep some things shadowed, for my own peace of mind and to protect certain facets of reality.

       Peace of mind........ Regrets, can certainly hinder any notion of peace of mind. Regrets are the consequence of choices gone wrong, choices that, had a person done it different, the outcome of a day, or a month, or a lifetime could have been so different. I hope, bringing this up here, doesn't betray a personal conversation I had with another person here online, but the topic, has been on my mind since I wrote this in an email..........

<<I question, though, how much regret a person can carry as a burden on our shoulders. Is there a solution for us, living with regrets we cannot escape? How much regret will encompass my life before I can feel free to no longer crumble under it's weight? Do you see a time, when you can lay your head on your pillow at night, and not let the list march it's way across your thoughts? This is the peace I crave...........>>
 
       The response I received back from this person, was perfect and has settled something deep in my heart. And I thank you, for your insight and wisdom. It will be treasured.

       My pages, show a lot of the dark in my life that isn't easy to sit down with a person in my reality and have a chitchat about. My entries are the things that I can't share in my "real" world, at least without them sending for a shrink.:grin:: People, just don't sit around talking about thoughts and moods, choices and chances. Anything, isn't a topic for good dinner fare.

       I do have light in my life, and hope, the beautiful and glorious things I appreciate every day. I consider myself lucky in many ways. I've created a world around me that gives me opportunities to travel, explore, sit home all day writing, take a 10 day sabbatical or take my daughters fishing for an afternoon. Maybe today, I just want to say, I'm hopeful, good, content and there's nothing in this world that would keep me down.........

Through writing, we start a canvas, painting a picture with our words,
expression in it's simplest form~