Face Value

       There's a space I create between simple face value and my own minds twisted play on things. A person can say one thing, and my personal tendency to take that, chew it around until I'm certain I've analyzed it, understood it, and wrapped it back into a tidy bow is a curse that I cannot escape.

       Someone told me recently that I overthink just about everything. I cannot deny that accusation. Since then, I've tried to take that accusation and determine if thats a good thing, or a bad thing. Or just one of those case by case basis equations.

       For me, it's important to understand what another person is saying. Some of my more cautious or well trained friends will choose their words very carefully with me, especially if they are trying to hide something. I have a tendency to dig deeper, then they typically want to dive.

        I call it the fine art of stripping away the B.S. and discovering the root of an issue. This is typically accomplished by asking a lot of questions and listening to the answers with a fine tuned microscopic listening ear.

       The difficult part for me, is when the conversation is directed towards or at me. This is when I'll take what another person says to me, and attempt to conform it around some sort of general personal understanding, or and this is the bad part, I take it and shake it up into something most negative about myself.

       Hmmm, I'm confusing myself now. In simple terms, I will take a small statement like "Rebecca, your to quiet and closed off" and issue about 10 silent bereavements inside my head to follow up that persons statement. Thats the glory of head noise. In reading the public array of journals, it's either good or not so good, that I've discovered just about everyone else in this world silently beats the shit out of ourselves in personal thoughts.

       A statement made to me, can be a life sentence of thought whipping. I can be that hard on myself. I can remember hurtful things people said to me 18 years ago. I can remember a hurtful thing someone said to me last week, and they both carry a fair amount of weight in the boxing class inside my brain. Is this a case of being too damn sensitive? Sensitivity is something I never portray on the outside, no way, never show such a weakness, yet, here inside my head, I'm a thread bare paper towel trying to balance all of it on top without any major ripping.

       Sensitive. Sensitive soul. Sensitive thoughts. I wish I could toughen up to self berating. Self berating is going the easy route. I think the hard route is not only believing, but also accepting the good things others say about you instead of instantly or deliberatly listening for the negative. Why I <we> give so much more weight and time to the negative I <we> hear either from others, but more importantly, myself <ourselves> is beyond me.

       I find this to be an utterly perplexing side to my human thought process. The ability to take one conversation and zero in on one tiny little detail that wasn't shed in a beautiful light is a blatant bad habit I possess. Too sensitive, to mentally touchy, to quick to accept a stab to the heart, whether meant by the other person or not.

       To not care, would probably mean I had no heart, to care and not take it so personal seems like a nice even ground. I haven't found that spot yet, but I'm looking. Over thinking, can be a real pain in the brain!

Chris,Inane thoughts and insane ramblings I've been trying VERY HARD, not to make a 'suckers choice' in a knee jerk reaction to my current mental berations~~