Charley from journal Courage once commented in one of my entries, that not believing in God wasn't the greatest sin, but rather despair was. I've thought about his comment quite a bit since then. Mulled it over and tossed it like a tennis ball around in my mind. Today, the full force of his words cracked me upside the head. You see, if that is true, then today I'm swimming in that well of despair. I've crossed my arms across my chest, turned my back to that well and ever so gracefully fell backwards into it. Today, if Charley is right, I am a gracious sinner.
So when I'm backstroking through the murky waters of despair, I shut down, move into what I'll kindly refer to as my mute mode and skinny dip for a while. Thankfully, I always find a way to write when I'm down here. It is also the time, when I have a rather difficult time absorbing the world around me. For that, I must mention, I'm currently struggling visiting others journals. Temporary focus on what I'm dealing with on hand is required right now and I have a difficult time reading others journals without needing to absorb all that is being said by the writer. My cup is alittle full right now, thats all. For that, I must ask for a pardon, and promise I will be by to visit very soon............
I'm am curious though. In which input is greatly needed, perspective of sorts, and the ever present seeker of information that I am, here goes...........
Ladies this is probably primarily in your court. Here's my admission.
And I'm looking for confirmation or separation.
I, Rebecca Anne, am ruthlessly hard on myself.
I, Rebecca Anne, cling and covet that which is black in my life.
Storing it in the reserves, using bad choices, past mistakes, etc., etc., to pull out whenever I fell the need to beat the shit out of myself.
I, Rebecca Anne, harbor ill feelings towards myself at times.
I, Rebecca Anne, can't sleep at nights because my mind never gives me a break.
I, Rebecca Anne, strive for the good, enjoy and lust for the good in life,
yet too easily let one or many more of the negatives steal from all the positive.
Although that looks absolutely hideous spelled out in words, they are thoughts inside regardless. So I wonder at times, if I am truly in a ballgame with myself and myself alone, or do others feel as ruthless and alone with themselves at times as I do?
Do woman inherently whip the crap out of themselves over both the little things and the big things, or am I just the dynamic form who takes the negative and works on them, tosses them around, envisioning the solutions, working the problems until there is no taste left? What's worse, is that under most typical and normal circumstances, is that I NEVER speak of such worries, issues, feelings, thoughts, sentences, words. I may whip up something for my journal, I'll tap dance all around certain issues, yet, you'd never know a specific "issue" because thats the way I do things.
The people in my life who should know what I'm up too, or thinking, never have a clue. First off, I'm quite the actor. Everything is always the deplorable "fine"........The kiss of death sentence, yet, I get away with it 99% of the time. The people I want to discuss personal issues with, well, truthfully, making myself actually talk out loud is like pulling a fingernail off slowly and torturously, again, a battle with myself and myself alone. Somehow, some where along the line of life and someday I may explore specifically this issue in an entry, I lost the ability to open up and T.A.L.K.
T ~torture session
A ~ambivalent battle within
L~latent sounds
K~kneel for understanding of my silence.
Now, before I give off the impression of being some mute basket case who can't speak two coherent words, obviously I have a successful business, I feel like I'm a good mother, I have many friends.......My report cards, when I was in school, my Mother always laughed and tsk tsked me for. They were always the same thing........Straight A's and the comment section always said the same thing. "Rebecca is a distraction in class, she is constantly visiting with her friends and although this has not effected her grades, I'm afraid it is effecting the other students~~~please tell her to shut up :o) So what I'm talking about it anything that points a spotlight directly at myself personally, that is where the mutant vocal cord restraint takes over.........
Natural occurrence with varying degree's of affliction? You tell me, I can't imagine I'm the only one affected by the vocal cord stealer. Or, am I?????? Is it in our woman gender code to be overly hard on ourselves to the point of ridiculous? Does others worries and illuminations keep them up at nights sometimes? Do I just need some prozac? Dancing in the graveyard of mutany is a blessed place to be, it lets your mind do all sorts of tricks to your world. Or is this just the cliche of a tortured creative souls mind and workings? I have my guesses, my assumptions, and yet, I'm as clueless as the next person....................a curious mind wants to know~~~
Smile, it's does a mind good.............
Believe me.............
23 comments:
Sometimes it is physically hard to speak about certain issues. I have trouble on certain things, myself. And yet, if you got me talking about the way the light bounces off the walls in my living room, I could go on for hours.
You, Rebecca Anne, listed negative aspects of how you treat yourself. List some positive things. Just know that you can't be perfect, none of us are. I happen to think you are quite an awesome person. And I'm not just blowing sunshine up your butt, I mean it. All we can do is try our best and love ourselves, even if we do make mistakes.
It is THOSE mistakes we learn from. Life would be pretty darn dull if we always made the right choices.
Ari
Rebecca,
I'm too hard on myself too. I think most women are.
We are most times, our own worst enemy.
I'm trying...emphasis on trying...to focus on the good
these days. It is hard though.
Love ya,
Connie
For some reason or another it is soooo much easier to get my feelings and points across in written form then when I speak.. when I write I can think it threw and the words flow.. but when I speak I stumble over each idea or feeling and often what I want to get across doesn't come out just as I wished it would. BUT if I have written out ahead of time my thoughts.. mostly in my journal... and then I can repeat that out loud or retell it in conversations it seems to be much easier. I have noticed that alot lately and I am starting to find it annoying lol. I try telling some one something and then I find myself thinking.. this would be sooo much easier if so and so would just read my journal and read what I mean. I guess writing is just a better form of communication for me, lol that or I am so addicted to my journal I can't do it any other way!
As for the beating yourself up..yes I think we all have been there. I have learned that when it gets really bad I talk back to the negative voices plaguing me.. telling them to SHUT UP.. and remember who I am.. how God sees me and how others see me. I start telling myself the truths about me.. truth always trumps a lie!
Much Love,
Mary
You are not a nut case. You shouldnt be so hard on yourself.
I think you do just fine.
Hmmmm...interesting questions. I don't think I'm too hard on myself; probably quite the opposite LOL! If I had to make a generalization from among my women friends, I would probably say no, I don't think we're a particularly negative group with respect to ourselves. But maybe someone listening to us talk would come away with a different impression.
But it would be the rare night indeed that I would not be awake for an hour or two around 3:00 or 4:00 am consumed by worry.
You seem full of positive energy, especially when you head outdoors -- but maybe "seems" is the operative word?
Sounds to me like you're human.
-Paul
Talk about a slap in the face! I find myself doing the same things you speak of and I think, at least for myself, that over time, I have programmed myself to be more comfortable castigating myself for past sins, transgressions and plain old screw-ups than I am at praising myself for my accomplishments. In my case, that's toxic mother syndrome coming into play, but how long do I allow that to be an excuse? I'm nearly 42, and am learning to accept me, all of it. You have to make a point of surrounding yourself with beautiful moments at these times and for me, I commune with nature which makes me feel connected and beautiful and at peace. It's hard to not take "your uglies" out and play with them, but at some point, in order to move forward, you must put them away and focus instead on who you are right now. My past is a part of me, but it does not define the whole of me. There is a masochistic comfort in dwelling within our dark places; the danger comes in climbing out before it engulfs you... hell, I'm not at all sure that makes any sense, but you did ask...In Ya-Ya sisterhood, Vivianne says" I like to chew on a problem until it loses all its flavor, then I stick it in my hair." She keeps it with her, like a totem or fetish, which provides its own morose comfort...It isn't just you, Dear Rebecca. You are just real enough to put it out there, much to the chagrin of folks like me who don't want to look at interior issues, until they are confronted to do so. You make me think and examine and better understand myself and that IS a good thing!! Penny
For someone who cannot talk....you just said a mouthful.
The answer: Yes and No to all of the above.
Email forthcoming or possibly an entry....cmp
I like Paul's comment....we all often answer the aggravating question, "How are you?:)"" With the same, "Fine thanks, and you?:)" All the while, fighting off the urge to spit...I wish I had more encouraging words. I hope you will find peace of mind somewhere. At least inside, you are being honest with yourself. Even if you disguise it on the outside. Michelle
Rebecca,
I will be brief{Oh okay I am going to attempt to be brief}. As Paul said, you are human.
I just returned from my weekly session with my new dear friend{shhh therapist}. And todays conclusion? I sit on a fence. I cant use my voice. More so when I need to, more importantly to those that need to hear it. It has always been easier to say nothing. Not make that decision..Thus now in my life, I have to, I can no longer be passive aggressive. It is odd, that in my life, work I can make decisions, I can give advice, I can dole it out with the best. Yet when it comes to me, as a woman, making a HEALTHY decision? PFFFTTT....And now I must. And my voice just wont work...I make those decisions based on a moment in time. I see no future. I know there is one, I just have no plan. Never operated like that...I was told I need to do this...UGH So to answer your question? You are NOT alone. A thousand other people can attest to that I am sure. I am a "fine" or "whatever" person whether its fine or not or I have an opinion, cuz I feel I already know what the outcome is....I have always isolated myself this way. Dont have a clue as to why...maybe never will...I have come to believe I have to accept it..Just unfortunate those in my life, cant.
Okay enuff with my blather
Peace
I think what you feel is common. I know what you feel about yourself and do to yourself is my modus vivendi as well. If you can figure out how to break out of these thought patterns, let me know.
I find that as a depressed person, when my depression gets the worst, when I'm feeling blackest of all, is when I do this the most - the spinning bouts of nighttime anxiety, the inability to enjoy the positive, the constant attitude that all that is good about me is temporary and all that I see as worthless is a permanent part of my character.
You're guilty of nothing, except, as Paul said, being human.
http://journals.aol.com/redsneakz/Separationanxiety
G. always says that if I do anything wrong no one has to say a word or punish me in any way because I will do a much better and more thorough job than anyone else ever can... my running joke is that somehow I am responsible for world hunger <g>. So, I don't know if it is all woman, but I have a tendency to be a little hard on myself... but I'm trying to be better about it <shrug>...
http://journals.aol.com/astaryth/AdventuresofanEclecticMind
yes, I pick apart every wrong I have ever committed. Nobody could be harder on me than I am. I love it when you write. judi
I am great about beating myself up. I even once wrote in an entry that perhaps this tactic was a self defense in a way. If I beat myself up more than anyone else can, then when someone else does, their admonition does not phase me. Who knows why we do it. I'm just trying to be aware when I'm doing it and then tell myself to cut that #$(@ out......but then I realize I am beating myself up over it.....damn vicious cycle......
Chris
http://journals.aol.com/swibirun/Inanethoughtsandinsaneramblings
http://journals.aol.com/swibirun/MyJournalJarSaturdaySixetcanswer
In thinking about your questions for some time, I find myself coming to these answers:
- I do not think such self-doubt and criticism, and even sometimes loathing, is limited to women. I do believe that we are, in part, conditioned with unrealistic expectations that set us up to fail. I do not know a single person who feels they are perfect. Nietszche talked of a superman - a person who worked so tremendously hard to better themselves that they reached the pinnacle of perfection, yet in so doing would discover that it was impossible to stay there forever, and in so doing would lose that perfection. I feel that as we are all capable of making errors in judgement, we will all find ways to express this self-doubt and fear.
- I firmly believe that the root cause of our self-loathing and despair is fear. Fear to be honest with ourselves. Fear to accept our faults and failings as equally valuable and important as our successes and positive attributes. Fear drives us to selfishness, defensive mindsets, lies, and so many other things.
- I also believe that our self-hatred, which I too feel very much, is a product of our failure as people to listen to one another. I find so many people, myself included, that try to 'solve' a problem, instead of just listening. For me, a problem becomes real when I put words to it - otherwise it is something that I hold in my mind, heart and soul. If people would but listen, I could give my self-loathing form and in so doing, accept it and continue to try and live the best life I can.
Peace and love,
Charley
http://journals.aol.com/CDittric77/Courage
Hi Rebecca, I just wanted to stop in and say hello and thank you for checking in on me over at my journal. Sorry I haven't commented in awhile. Things have been pretty hectic these days and I have been really busy. Hope your enoying your summer and I will try to catch up on your entries soon. Again thanks for stopping by my journal and saying hi! It is a wonderful feeling when you know people wonder and care about you. TTYL.
- Jessica
http://journals.aol.com/aljes12/Jessicasthoughtsfeelings
Hi Rebecca - wow, this is a deep one. It was as if you were talking about me - including the teacher's comments. I'm not sure how this all came to be, but I can so relate to how you are feeling. At least we're not alone, thanks sharing - I was wondering too. ~ Lori
Rebecca Anne: I agree with all the previous comments. You are human; we all beat ourselves up for one thing or another. I have no advice or words of wisdom that have not already been written here, so I’ll share something about myself. My affliction is called fear. Fear silences me; it puts space between me and the next person. Fear of what, I’m not sure of. I open my mouth, begin a sentence, but my memory goes blank and I’m rendered mute. I forget what I was going to say, or worse yet, fail to coherently make my point. Thus, I remain silent. The reprieve that works most times for me is to get others in the conversation to talk. I’ve become an information gatherer, an information junkie. “Tell me more…”
Another thing that happens to me: Because it’s obvious I have an ongoing battle with the mute, people feel compelled to finish my sentences for me, or re-word my point. This is frustrating, I feel invalidated, and rather than correct them, I simply agree with them. Mute again. Writing seems to be my outlet.
Each of us is a multi-dimensional individual. You are normal, Rebecca Anne. We all have our struggles.
Best,
Judith
http://journals.aol.com/jtuwliens/MirrorMirrorontheWall
You're intelligent and insightful, and you will work your way through this.
"...do others feel as ruthless and alone with themselves at times as I do?" is the question you posed. My answer:
Yes, because approval is the food of the soul, and if we feel imperfect we think others will see it and judge us as harshly as we judge ourselves, in my opinion.
Ego is our inner mirror that either approves us or mocks us depending on our moods, and the feedback from others around us. We have to strive to keep that mirror in good shape even when someone tries to shatter it.
I wish you the best, Rebecca.
Best Wishes,
Debi
Despair causes anger.
Anger can be put to good work...
you will get it all going into the right direction.
Wishing you health, happiness and laughter.
TJ~
http://journals.aol.com/paisleyskys/PaisleySkys/
A very thought-provoking entry dear! When my cup is full, I generally find myself sitting on its edge, preparing to fling myself into its depths and soak in the abhorent essence of all that has collected in that cup over many years' mistakes or errors of judgement.
IMHO, each of us has her own cup --- full at times --- less full at others -- that we dip into when we need support, unconditional love and encouragement --- but instead choose the cup --- for the time being.
I find that choosing the cup instead mires me in a sort of spiritual and emotional paralysis, which I hate with a passion. The hatred, however, does not always stop me from choosing the cup. It just stops me from camping out there too long dear. Nice to meet you!
loving you
karyl
Is it in our woman gender code to be overly hard on ourselves to the point of ridiculous? Does others worries and illuminations keep them up at nights sometimes...
Well, yes & yes!!! But you can learn to change it. Feelings and moods are so changeable, thank God. Once you recognize all the times you are hard on yourself, and admit so, as you have done here,~you're on your way! I chuckled at the teacher's comments part--sounds like muah! Your writing gives a voice to what you don't want to vocalize; I for one enjoy you so very much no matter what mood you are in. I just think you are quite masterful with words! Now put that in your "I'm-determined-to-be-hard-on-myself" pipe and smoke it. :-) Hugs, Sassy ;-)
http://journals.aol.com/SassyDee50/SassysEYE
Hi Rebecca,
I read this entry the day you I received the alert...I started leaving a comment but not halfway through I deleted..thinking I might be saying something not related...now me thinking this way..what does that tell you??
I hope you feel better...I think you just speak your mind well and....that's ok.
Gem :-)
http://journals.aol.com/libragem007/JournallyYours
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