Deposit

       All right, I've done one of those out of left field, mind deposits, on my previous entry. For curious minds, for every one mind deposit of random sentences entries, there are 5 more that are typed and never posted or whisked away to a private online journal. Sometimes, the concept of personally grasping that the "public" reception of such outlandish mind deposits is tough for me.

       Obviously there is something I struggle with in my life. Without stating the obvious, it has to do with division of placement. Who's world do I belong in, invitations to step across the line, possibilities and such........crafty hints of letters strung together without typing the core. Thats me, although, in this world, with the given tools of computer, blank page, and typing abilities, I can reveal more then I'd ever say out loud to anyone in my personal reality. Anonymous voice, that is what the journal is too me.

       I'm 33 and for 22 years I'd been writing, silently, without input, without observation, without revealing to anyone other then myself. Now, when your a quiet soul, like myself, that can be quite the lonely world. An existence of emotions and thoughts, concepts and struggles, the good the bad and the atrocious. When you flutter around in La La land as I will not deny, I frequently do, if someone like me doesn't let a bit out every once in a while, well..........I'll let the mind imagine there what that does to a person like me, who obviously likes to write, contemplate, ruminate and generally chew things around until I can't take it anymore.

       I regret that I missed Judith Heartsongs essay contest on why I journal. Although I doubt I would have wrote anything different then all the other entrants, it would have clarified a few things.

       I'm outside right now, under the moon of Idaho sky. The air is thick warm, with a whisp of breeze. There are a few little bugs keeping me company on my laptop screen and I feel better now. I can hear dry lightning storms in the distance, and it's beautiful out. These are also the times, that are the hardest for me.

       When I was younger, and didn't know how to control my emotions, I would take a night like tonight, muddled up with emotions that are ready to implode and I would run. I would drive to the nearest mountain, walk to the top in the dark of night and run down. Insane I know, but it was my source of release. Sometimes it feels good to add a touch of insane to the mundane. Take the risks and toss in some controlled and out of control concepts and it spells a recipe of a person who's never content to settle.

       I've heard settling isn't such a horrible concept. Yet, when I step onto the platform of settlement, I recoil like there's no tomorrow. I know this could also be a recipe for a life of discontentment, but I like to think of it as a life as always reaching for higher ground. Do not be mistaken, this isn't about money, material things, status, house and just about anything else that falls into the keeping up with the Jones column. No, my desires circle around things like Motherhood, Love, self movement, exploration, and connection of sorts. The Jones stuff, is too easy. Want more things, well opportunity is sitting at just about every corner, you only have to reach out and grab hold of it. I did it. I went from poverty to the other side with hard work and changes. So for me, those changes seem easy enough. What I'm always struggling with is those intangible things, the things you feel within. The concourse of life that sometimes I coast along at a nice steady pace, and sometimes, I run down a hill just to fuck things up a bit.

       Ya, I said that word, but it was fitting, and it's my journal, and well, just and......I'm in a foul mood, so I'm using my exemption card. The obvious is my mystery. The obvious is my burden to understand and do right by. Do right. I like that. The concept of doing right by yourself and others is a beautiful thing. That is what I wish, always, is that I did right by people. Especially those, who have done exactly that for me. The concept isn't that far of a reach, it's simple, it's divine, it's tough as hell sometimes. Especially when one's decision, effects so many other counterparts. Butterfly effect, flutter a wing here and someone feels it down the lane. Flutter a wing tonight and it carries on the wind to the East. Sometimes, I flutter hard enough, that I believe my effect can carry between boundaries, across choices and through to the future.