Off

       
       I'm defecting for 5 days. Gone, see ya, another mini-vaction is in order. This is the curse of owning a second home. You must find reasons for visiting it. :o) A holiday weekend is a perfect excuse to defect for a few days. I need it, I've been alittle "off" this last week.
      
       Being "off" for a week is always an interesting combination of mental thought conflict. I'm rapidly approaching something. The something, is that untouchable resolution I haven't been able to grab hold of for quite some time. I can look back over the months and sketch a pretty clear path of where I've stepped. The missteps, the all out stumbles and the clear points of possible redemption that were passed on by.

       I wish, sometimes, I could just come right out with things, confess all that holds my thoughts, love, life, in the grey. I don't necessarily mean this journal. More importantly, to those who deserve to hear the words, to know the whole meaning and story behind my choices. I am far to closed off when it comes to expressing inner feelings to the people who really deserve to know the truths.
      
      My truths, aren't about lying or omissions, my truths aren't about something hidden or devious. My truths are about why I hold onto a certain song with reverence, or why I keep the same picture of me standing with the ocean as my backdrop by my bedside for years and years. Its why I don't stop watching for my horizon, and why I plant a new Iris plant every year. My truths are also about why I stand where I am now, why I couldn't follow through as I 100% believed I would do in March. It's about watching the hands of time, hoping I can beat them in my race to bridge obligation and final destination.
      
       Balancing a stack of truths and a bushel of silence on the thin line of a fence, is the black zone of compensation. There is no reward to be found in this place. I suppose, this could be the penance for once carelessly not recognizing how precious another persons love could really be. Love, there's that word, the most often avoided word in my vocabulary. I eloquently skirt around it's four letters in careful expression. Not because I am opposed to it, just the opposite actually. I crave it's encompassing embrace just as anyone does. I covet the feelings, thoughts, and emotions that those four letters represent.

       Just as I feel the mind has many levels that contain different thoughts and expression, so does my opinion on love encompasses the same such corridors. Levels, all different levels to be found and cherished. From the love you first experience from your parents, to the crushing feelings of a high school sweetheart to the person who takes your heart and cradles it or carelessly crushes it. To the love you have for your own child, and someday, I'll discover how it feels to love a grandchild.

       I look back over the men in my life, from my ex-husband, to the men I've been with since. So many lessons I have learned, so many wonderful times, and far too many wrong choices. The extravagant way I assumed love was endless and could be found at ever turn. The way I allowed pressures and outside influence dictate some of my choices. I even shamelessly admit I let such a vile thing like money come between love and my reactions. Not, money as in I wanted someone to have more, Sugar Daddy style, but money as in a time when I had none and felt I was a penniless counterpart to a wonderful relationship.

       Lessons of the heart, lessons of choice, moments of wonderful memories or gut punched regrets. Ironic situations that leave me cemented to the very spot I wish to escape. Destiny and destination, or is it lessons and the journey that make the heart go round.

       I guess when I am off, it is because I've let the weight of a silent past, press down so hard on my shoulders it feels like I can only look to the ground. I know I'm strong enough to push off the burdens and continue to look forward, this I have no doubt about. Yet, when I continue to circle around what is comfortable and familiar, and attempt to ignore the truths, I fall into this state of mind.

       Like the current status of my novel in process, I know the beginning, I'm hovering in the middle, yet the ending is still unknown to me. Possibly I'm just a happy ending kind of gal, and do not want to end on a chapter of regrets and simple lessons.

       I'm most ready to revert back to the silent portion of this commentary now. That would be the door gently shutting on this level. ;o)  I wish everyone a safe and happy 4th of July. Take good care of your loved ones and yourself. I'll be back next Tuesday and hopefully will have shaken all that troubles me back down into it's nice safe cushy room.