Letter to Anne

Anne,
        Reasonable time frame has a way of eluding me and I will apologize for waiting so long to write. If honest be written, I've been reluctant to write this. I can already feel a sense of disappointment radiating from you. When I listen closely, I can hear the sounds of breath releasing in a forfeitable sigh of resignation.
      
       Your advice really doesn't fall on deaf ears, as much as it may appear as so. I hear them day to day, an echo disguised as desired wishes. I can't explain excuses, and I don't dare justify misguided choices. Whether it's a dependable voice, or pen and inked to be remembered, you are always there, and never dismissed.
            
        Easy. I really appall that word and I wish you would drop that from implications. It would seem things should, or possibly could, or simply would, be easy if there was a map to distinguish if you make choice A, it will lead you to result G. But hence, careful now, choice Z will lead you to result JN and babe, you better be prepared to live with that! I know, you warned me about results. I haven't found anything easy about any of this. I'm sorry I let you down. Get in line to dish out the penance.
      
        I need help my friend. A fault line has broken through my foundation and I haven't been able to repair the damage. All the things I could have done, and all the things I didn't do, has left me clutching on to the edges of fault, teetering on the brink of fall and I don't have the tools to mend it. I'm terrified I will fall into the dark perils and never emerge on the right side of destination.
     
        I keep listening to the recordings of words you've left imprinted here in my mind. Anne, you can be my worst critic, a wise adversary, and a forbidding force I never seem to escape. When the day breaks, I already feel I'm swimming in your shadow. I'm either one step ahead of where you hope I'll be, or 10 steps off course. And yes, for the last couple of Months, I've been off course. Thats probably why I've declined communicating with you. It takes so much emotional strength to face you, and lately, I've felt completely depleted of such energy.
     
        A division of labor, idealistic motions, and self preservation. I am the intensive version of fear. Fear is as foreign and habitual, as our friendship is comforting and intimidating. Are we the facet of life and persecution, or the result of choice and destiny?
      
        I am either the coward for standing still, or the saint for preventing further chance of hurt. This is the question that keeps me company during the night.

If I persist in questioning my entire life, will I end up on the other side of life holding on with two hands to the . at the bottom of a ? mark..............

       Does everyone walk a solitary road with hopes of crosspoints and parallelisms? I seek the answers that maybe shouldn't be asked. Is it too much to assume the voices that carry us along are more of a hindrance then a cheering section. Sometimes, I wonder who should have more power at the helm, you or I. I think it's unfair that you get to shout orders while I have to set the sails. One wrong move, and we're headed in the wrong direction again and I have to turn around and face you.
    
         All I ask from you, my precious shadow friend, is don't give up. There's still a cup full of hope, an ounce of strength, and a drop of horizon left.

As Always,
Rebecca