The repercussions of the big X that has been taped to my mouth lately has come back to haunt me. When I should have been there for someone I wasn't. It's my personal catch 22. I use silence as a self protection mode, a way of preservation, a time to sort out before I make another wrong move. My silence serves as my hiding tool, a cowardly move on my part, slinking into the shadows, yes thats me with a capitol C.
I can write, I can even express myself pretty well here on blank pages, all one way conversation. But when it comes to expressing myself verbally, and when those who really need me too, I am an illiterate mute.
Get me in a debate or in front of the partners in a business meeting and I dare someone to get into a verbal debate with me, I rarely allow for even a draw, I like to win my point. But put me in an emotional position where things like personal feelings, thoughts, needs are required to be expressed, I wilt like a week old flower. The throat constricts, my mind screams to be released, yet no sounds can be made. It's a phobia I've created that I have no name for.
It was my silence this last week, that prevented me from being available for someone who needed a person to count on. It seems all wrong to even mention my own weight of guilt that rests on my shoulders, so I'll toss that into it's own compartment for now.
A young woman is very sick and needs the thoughts and prayers of the world.
And with deepest apologies, I am sorry to both of you.
Sunday, April 17, 2005
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20 comments:
I think that happens to all of us sometimes. The intensity of some moments can send the bravest of us running. Your friends will be in my prayers.
We are always hardest on ourselves aren't we? Sometimes it is best to say nothing until we ourselves can sort out the pieces and our own feelings and emotions. Sometimes it is just to painful for us to be there and go through with this person that old pain in ourselves again. There never is a right or wrong answer it's all in how we view it. If you can be there for someone as a listener and not put your own gum in their hair then it's a lot easier to be there, however we as human beings tend to bring our stuff in with their stuff and they get even more confused. Thoughts are prayers and it seems to me you did a lot of thinking about this person and therefor you did a lot of praying for her through these thoughts. Better still in this way you didn't project anything out for her/them but allowed the power far greater than any of us are to hold them and their situation up to the light for the highest and best for all. Forgive yourself for whatever you think you did or did not do, everything else will just take care of it's self.
Marlene-PurelyPoetry
Maybe your silence was for the best.Allyou can do is folow your instincts the best you can with the knowledge you have at the time. if you feel you have made a mistake, you can ;turn it around to something good if you learn from it.
Marti
I have had a few times in my life when I have been needed and was just unavailable. It is not that I was too busy or away-I was just scared to death of what might come up FOR ME when dealing with their issue. Coward I am. But is due time my emotional blockage siesed and I was a bit braver. Hope things get better for your friend.
thoughts and prayers to you all. judi
I can sympathsize. I'm the Queen of "I should have said ..."
~~Kath~~
SOMETIME IT'S BEST TO JUST SIT BACK AND LISTEN...........
THERE IS ALWAYS OTHER TIME (ONCE YOU HAVE THOUGHT EVERYTHING OUT ) TO SAY YOUR PEACE.........
I HAVE LEARN THAT IT IS BEST JUST TO SIT BACK AND LISTEN....
BRINx
Stop beating yourself up over something that is already done and over with. The main thing is that you are now available for that person, and I'm thinking that they know this, right? If not, call them and let them know that you are there for them. You'll do them no good sitting in a corner wallowing in your self proclaimed guilt. And by the way, not saying something that should have been said... thats not cowardly at all. Perhaps in some cases it might be, but in your case I think you are just unsure of your perceptions. Perhaps you have misjudged a situation in the past and are now hesitant to voice your opinion. Try not to be. I have a cronic case of foot-in-mouth, but I have learned that if I apologize for my opinion before and after I make my comment people are more apt to listen to me with an open mind. But the main thing is... you're there now. That is not cowardly. That is friendship.
Wow, this could have been me this weekend. I was literally stunned on news I received Saturday morning. It's a case of "I should have been there and I wasn't" for me. Don't harbor the feelings of beating yourself up. Just make a change, I am.
In my prayers....*Louise*
This HAS happened to us all. You can only move on from it. Let this person know how you are feeling about this. You know, sometimes when we are going through our own personal setbacks, this can temporarily blind us to the pains of others. I lived with guilt for years because I was not there for someone and then she gave up on life....Wham! That hit so hard. But after years of whys and ifs I finally realized that I couldn't have been her savior. She is with her savior. I fully believe that. Her hell was here on earth. We grew apart and I couldn't bring myself to let my own struggles go to be there for her all the time. She was so depressed, and I knew there was nothing I could do for her. It wasn't at all about me not being there. It was her faith in life that was gone. I didn't want to be pulled down into that....I AM SORRY. I pray for your friends and for you. :>)
I shall pray for this woman. God knows who she is. And I wouldn't be too hard on yourself because of this. We all miss the mark sometimes. It speaks well of you that you're remorseful. *Barb* http://journals.aol.com/barbpinion/BOTHSIDESOFTHECOIN
http://journals.aol.com/barbpinion/HEYLETSTALK
Who here has a monopoly on emotional do right?
Best,
Judith
http://journals.aol.com/jtuwliens/MirrorMirrorontheWall
My thoughts and prayers go out to this young woman and to you as well
some ppl have a extremely hard time communicating when it comes to emotions of the heart.......i don't think it makes you a coward. though i don't know the situation, i'm sure that whomever needed you, knows how deeply concerned you are. i sometimes close up.....especially if it comes to an illness or sickness of someone i care about. sometimes, even if it is just slightly on a high school level, i will write down to the person what i can't seem to say in words. sounds childish i know.......but it lets them see for themselves on paper, what i sometimes can't express verbally.
I could have written this entry myself. I too tend to back into my shell, reading and writing becoming my "insulation" against the outside world.
But you have to remember one thing....you have a life, and you have an obligation to live that life. You have been dealing with quite a bit yourself lately, from your recent entries, and I don't think anyone can blame you for being a little late with loving words and support. If you don't take care of the vessel in its own time of need, how can you ensure the soothing balms that flows forth for others will be up to par?
Hope you and your friend are feeling better. Prayers to you both.
CarrieCMc
http://journals.aol.com/ccmcwriter/TheWayICameToBeMe
I, too, have been faced with disappointment at my lack of action or comfort for a friend in need. Guilt is too strong a word on this one though. We all have the pitfalls that keep us from being the person we want to be at all times. Don't let this get to you for too long. You've admitted it to yourself, all of us, and I'm quite sure the friend mentioned. Accept that you had a spell of not being the true you, then make peace with it and your heart. You are not an awful or cowardly person. You are a woman from Idaho, mom to two, wonderfully artsy and soulful person, who had a low period; you are not superhuman, sometimes these things can't be avoided. Smile - you are loved!
Tammy
Sometimes silence is the greatest gift of all! I hope that your sick friend gets all the caring and prayers that she needs. Paulette
I hope this friend did not mistake your silence for not caring. Sometimes those feelings that are unsaid are the most precious of all. The glint of happiness in someone's eye, a child's giggle, a dog's tail wagging...
Thoughts and prayers are with you and your friend. Taking care of yourself when you're a mom, needs to come before taking care of others, otherwise, you can't really be there. You are obviously hurt by your friends illness and need time to sort through it. You'll be there when you can. Blessings.
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