Overload

  Vincent Van Gogh   Irises in the Garden

  It's possible. That you can take in alittle too much perspective and end up with something that resembles a whole lotta of nothing you can do about anything. So when you find yourself in this circle of helplessness, what does a person do?
   
     I started a mission of adding alittle perspective into my life, that could have been a good endeavor, but me, being well, me, I of course had to dig deeper then perhaps I should have. I wish it wasn't true, but no matter which direction I looked, someone out there was suffering in some manner, and this breaks my heart. 
   
     If I felt bad about one thing, I would glance over my shoulder to another and say to myself, "See, what the hell are you feeling bad about, look at that person." Then, in the next hour when the feelings of remorse, sadness, etc., would try for another hold on my sanity, I would again, glance over my shoulder and again try this banter of rational.  Again thoughts of how dare you even think, much less verbalize how your feeling when so and so is going through xyz.
    
    It really seemed like a logical move on my part, downplay the overbearing with things that seemed much more significant then my own heartache and confusion. I know I don't hold the corner market on guilt, I know I'm not holding up the pillars of moral do right, humanity doesn't depend on my choices. Downplayed, ignored, locked into the silent world that is my thoughts, crushed beneath perspective research, the ploys I've attempted has not quieted the shit tormenting my everyday.
    
    I have a confession that I've been avoiding on these pages. The changes I spoke of, the hiding I did for a week, the new tone that has obviously not come out on my pages, it was all for naught. I failed. And for now, I'll leave it at that.
 
    This whole array of emotions, failure, guilt, panic, fear, sadness, loneliness, bone tired, isolation, perspective, longing, stress, choices, silence, heartache, is all the ingredients for a one way ticket into rock bottom. It's a highly specialized membership club, I do think there should be a better organizational system around here though. There's far too many voices all trying to say their position at once. Damn loud around here.  
 
    If your thinking send that girl some prozac or welbutrin, I already thought of that, and I don't have connections to a black market for such things. I have a little condition, and trust me, it's not a big deal in my life, called epilepsy. Evidently doctors think doing the kickin chicken <I have this condition so I don't have to be politically correct, and thats what I choose to call a seizure> is worse then feeling like emotional mush all the time. I don't even know if given the choice I would take such things, but it's great banter conversation to give the doctor grief about. You should see the way he roles his eye's and laughs during our little visits. Ya, like the cop and my boots, I like to see if I can make a person laugh in every situation.
 
    Van Gogh was a mental tortured soul right? Yet, look at all the beauty he brought to the world. Ok, yes, I know, he had to die before any of his talents were merited, but still, it gives people like me, with minds alittle off canter, destination. I know I'll get it all figured out, I know I'll emerge on the other side with new lessons, alittle touch of extra wisdom, alittle stronger, alittle smarter, alittle tougher. I'll explore all options, try to salvage some hurt relationships, turn in my rock membership pass when the time is right and find my smile again.

       It will be all good. Tis a promise I've made to myself.