Patient

       
       It's astounding how sometimes you can feel like such a tiny person in a sand filled hourglass. Sorrow is so overwhelming right now I can't think, I can't speak. I can barely write. For the first time, my tears have won. They have kept me company since I woke up, just a sweet steady flow of pain.

       Crying. This is something pretty unfamiliar to me. As I had thought I had hidden the ability so long ago. Vision and clarity. Things have gotten so big, and I feel so small. Please give respite. This may be the most sorrowful entry I've ever done. It all seems so real, yet, standing here I feel so removed. I know I need to live while I can, in this space of me I feel so isolated.

       For something real and elements of peace, all I hear is violence within. My surface has become so fragile. Where this weakness prevails from, where it has been hidden for so long is beyond my own words to explain. Like the car wreck you were involved in, the pain really doesn't hit until a few days later.

       I know I am more then he saw, I know I am more then he would see. The painters brush has marked a streak of red across my forehead. And I will never regain what is lost, time and innocence. I need the sunlight on my face again. I've seen what shouldn't be. I know now what I will never accept again. Yesterday is mine to carry on my own, and tomorrow will bring the sunrise again.

       I just didn't know. I think I had thought all the wrong expectations of how this would go. My own heart is being such a traitor right now. If I knew how to quarantine it, I would throw away the key. Change is horrendous. I want this to turn black, with no definition. Inside this room, where my walls are black and the roof is red I seek consolation.

       And into every life some rain must fall. Who's brilliant idea was that. I am more. I feel like a kaleidoscope today. If you peeked inside you could see every dimension, no hiding anything. What a sad mess I've become. Perspective right. How could I have thought this wouldn't effect me in such a way. Delusional expectations. Even something all wrong can feel safe.

       I have many things to focus on right now. I can keep watching for the sunrise, waiting for the shadow over my heart and life to dissipate with the gift of warmth from sunlight, or I can keep looking at the dark of night, trying to understand, find the answers, keep hiding in the twilight. Come within my heartache, touch what confusion and fear feels like.

       Memories are the road map to our past, so that must mean dreams are the hope that create new paths. It's tough to be strong all the time, even a tough exterior wears thin sometimes. It's even tougher when you have no one you can talk to about the pain from inside. The people in my life have come to the expectation I am the rock, the foundation that doesn't need like others, a tough strong person, who can smile in even the hardest of times. Where does a person go for support when you've set up such impossible expectations.

       The jokes on me, I'm just as human as the next person. I'm just extremely talented in hiding it. Way to go girl, you've succeeded in holy status, translation, alone. Did I ask to much of myself. Did I set my own expectations so high a devastating fall was a probable outcome? Of course, with every fall there is only two choices. Stand up and proceed with the battle, or lie there and become nothing. I do choose to stand up, I'm just tired right now and need alittle lie down rest.

       Patiently waiting for mind and heart to stand hand in hand again. It won't be long until I'm singing my new song. I'll set my feet upon my new path, head up, walking hand in hand with time, heart, mind and my sunrise. For my center is somewhere out there, quietly waiting for parallelisms to be achieved.

       Winds of change can feel like a vicious tornado. But I have a solid mountain to hold onto. I just need the right person to see what I've been through, hold it dear, understand it and tell me everything is going to be alright. What wouldn't I give for understanding. What wouldn't I do to feel whole. What wouldn't I reveal to someone who showed me they wanted to see. It comes down to love doesn't it. What wouldn't anyone do for that little word called love that encompasses the greatest emotion of all.