Main Entry: [3]no
Pronunciation: 'nO
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural noes or nos /'nOz/
Date: 1588
1 : an act or instance of refusing or denying by the use of the word no : DENIAL
2 a : a negative vote or decision b : plural : persons voting in the negative
I am here today to admit I have a problem. I am virtually incapable of saying a simple two letter word. No. There it is, that damn N, and insignificant O. Such a little word, but when weighted against big words like decisive and mindset, the word NO seems to weight me down into paralyzation.
For clarification, I can say simple things like "No, I don't want to super size, fatten me up, my fries size" This isn't going to make the voice in the speaker phone feel bad. Now, if I knew he was getting commission on every supersize fatten me up size he pawns off on customers, I would probably give second thought to my no.
It is the questions posed to me that usually fall in the range of "Will you do this for me" or "Will you please help me" or "Please will you let me stay" or "Will you do my work for me." Hmmmm. I just realized basically any sentence that starts with Will You, I'm toast, I'm a sucker for the 'will you' sentences.
For example, if a 'will you' question is posed to me, that instinctively my initial response inside this mind of mine is NO, my mouth freezes into a twisted vise grip of silence. Next, my mind begins to formulate an answer that has either 1) gets me out of committing to therequest without possibly hurting that persons feelings or 2) I hear the words 'OK I'll do it' or 'all right if thats what you need' coming out of my mouth, while my mind is screeching a big resounding NOOOOOOO.
I've really spent a lot of time thinking this problem over. All I can come up with is a distinct difference between my mind and heart. My mind has no problem thinking all the no's it wants. It's the heart that always seems to quickly jump in the way. If feelings are involved, the rational side of my mind is promptly pushed aside to make way for this creature of a softy who buckles at the first sign of heartstrings being played. Yes, I am a whimsical wimp.
My name is Rebecca and I have a problem. I cannot say No. Where's the handbook to the next 11 steps?
I was discussing this issue in IM world with an online friend the other day. Which of course prompted this thought process and entry. Without my realizing the blunt lesson out the gate <I was slow on the draw> He types in something along the lines of "Will you go out on a date with me" and I, even behind the shield of computer screen instantly thought of how many ways I could say no without hurting his feelings. After typing in a few wishy washy how am I going to get out of this predicament, he typed back, "why don't you just say NO." It was then the lesson he was trying to teach me hit me in the head, two by four style.
I typed back that seemed so mean to just say No. I felt that familiar grip of 'oh I don't want to hurt this persons feelings.' It was then he said something thats been sitting pretty heavily. He said "You are not responsible for my feelings, if you want to say No, then do it." Can it really be that simple? If it was that simple then why the hell do I struggle with it so perpetually?!!
I think it falls along the lines of not being true to my own wishes. I consistently pick the other persons feelings over my own. It's been a hard learned lesson many years in the making. So many choices I let slide by, reduced by the act of silence, due to fear of hurting another. Why or when I became a person who teeters along the lines of 'pleaser,' rather then being true to myself, is my mystery to solve.
The good news is I'm on the way to redemption. My business partner called today and requested I do something he was more then capable of doing himself. I almost fell into the old "OK, I'll get to it" But alas, progress, I straightened my back, untwisted my silence from it's vise grip and said "I don't have time to do it, you'll have to take care of this one." <And yes, I could feel him fall off his chair on the other side of the phone in utter disbelief>
Now, that wasn't a simple no, but in my world it was pretty direct and defined. That my friends is a step for mankind. OK, maybe not mankind, but it should count as step 2 in the handbook right?
So I question. Just how many others out there need to join this 12 step plan with me. Does human heart on the whole have a problem telling people no? Is this a heart issue or a mind issue? I can't help but point out some of the gender differences I notice. Men on the general don't seem to have these 'no' issues and usually seem to call it like it is. While us females hymn an avoidance dance when the touchy part of feelings are involved. Then again, I have a select few friends who have no problem telling anyone and everyone the big old NO word when they see fit.
All right, I've fessed up one of my most tiresome weaknesses. If you all suddenly comment with "Will you give me a thousand bucks" I'll simply say no or something close to it, because you have an unfair advantage. Using this information for ill will, would simply be bad ethics. The confessional is closed.
26 comments:
I'm another girl who just can't say no, thus becoming the mess revealed in my journal. I've been breaking myself of the habit, and it's getting easier. That people pleasing habit is a dangerous one. I'm proud of you for turning down your partner. It's a very good first step.
I fell into this trap at one of my jobs before. Somehow I had gotten roped into working both Thanksgiving and Christmas, because I couldn't say no. My family was like "Where is she? Will she ever come back for holidays?" By the time New Year's rolled around, I heard a distinct "NO!" fly out of my mouth. It's nice to think of another's feelings. But I also realized that they sure aren't thinking of how you feel when they ask, are they?
Actually, what helped me was an old Ann Landers' saying - "No one can take advantage of you if you don't let them." The words - "No", "Not this time", "I don't think so", and "I'd really rather not" became very liberating. Of course, you have to learn to use tact when saying "no". It usually goes well with a "Thank you anyhow" behind it, but sometimes, you have to really dress it up and say, "I can't, I have another committment." "No" by itself is usually viewed as being very blunt. I recommend sitting down and writing 12 different ways to say "No" to a situation (without lying about it - such as "I can't, I have another committment"...you don't have to say what the committment is. If you don't really have a committment, YES! YOU DO! You're going to invest in some YOU time!). Then, get with a friend or family member and practice various situations where you want to say "No". Then make a game plan to tell one person "No" a day (or a week). Go on...assert yourself! You'll appreciate it! Sheila
I used to have a problem saying 'no', until I became a parent. Now I get real creative. There are many ways of saying 'no' without actually uttering the little word. 'I'm sorry... ' is a great way to start if off. I am constantly lecturing my kids about learning to say 'no' to their friends, hopefully it will eventually sink in.
The other side to that coin is those people who can't seem to take 'no' for an answer, and then there are those who are afraid of the answer 'no' because they see it as rejection.
I have the same problem, I can't say no. I will do things I don't want to do, just so I don't hurt, annoy or put the other person off. I don't like driving people everywhere, but I end up doing that. If I finally have a day off.. I want to do things for myself, but I ALWAYS end up with someone's kids at my house, or taking someone on all day errands, or going to my mothers. YIKES!
~ Promise
I admit rebecca I have a hard time saying no, and then have the nerve to get all ticked off about it and gripe to hubby about my need to say YES all the time. I have started saying No to the question "Will you watch my kids for awhile?", and then I feel all bad. Its a big problem for me....if I am saying no, am I making someone mad at me??? And Kim hates when someone is mad at her. I don't know why i care so much.
kim
It is said that acknowledging the issue is half the battle. With that said, I welcome you to the sisterhood of No-Sayers! “No” is a powerful word and I admire and respect those who say it. Less respect for those who continually ask the “Will you…” questions and their counterpart who continue to cave under such puppeteer-ing. Personally, I only ask the “Will you…” questions when it is an emergency (I think I only asked once in the past year) and I graciously thank the person for the assistance they provided. Those who know me well know that I only ask when absolutely necessary and as a last resort, this makes it easy for them to say “Yes.”
Another great entry!
Judith
I understand this.... for many years I could not say no. For me it centered on not feeling valuable enough to risk another's wrath... yours comes from a different place I suspect. I finally decided that de-valuing myself so much that my thoughts and opinions did not matter was wrong, that I could no longer continue the practice. You are amazing. judi
PART II
However, it is not only the obvious criminals we must look out for, but also those who play with our hearts and emotions, whether as lovers and friends, or as "weak" "attention deficit disorder" "manic-depressive" "bi-polar disorder" sufferers who ply their wiles on our sympathies, all the while enjoying the ride at our expense. Allowing them to coast on our dime, even tho they are MAKING NO EFFORT to remedy their situation, is "enabling" behavior o our parts, and we are caught in a "co-dependent" relationship. These relationships are meant, by the user, to go on and on and on and on and on...well, you get the drift. We, who find ourselves in this bind, feel badly and, especially after the abject apologies of the user, berate ourselves for being stingy, or selfish, when we try to stop the pattern. In this same way, women who are abused and beaten stay with their husband/boyfriend who beats and abuses them, because the abuser apologizes profusely, promises "it will never happen again" and blames it on something the object of their abuse did...which leads said person to walk on eggshells, trying, with absolute lack of success, not to repeat whatever set the abuser off. The only successful response is to remove yourself from the situation, as early as is possible, to say "NO" and mean it, and to not accept any excuse or rationale that would continue it...for any reason! No means NO...stop, do not continue, go no further, cease and desist, that's far enough, I'm not interested, enough already, go away, quit while you're ahead, leave me alone, I don't want any, I'm busy, get lost, etc and so on ad infinitum....
PART I
See aol://5863:126/mB:534372:39680 for my comment on Sheila's difficulties with a well-known journals poster who has trouble understanding the word "NO". When we do not say "NO" at the appropriate time, we "enable" the person asking (infringing on our time, money, resources, etc, is a better way to describe it) to continue in their path down life's path to their own detriment. Better to say "NO" to those who would be better of doing it, or paying for it, themselves. Simple test, "Can I move in with you?" (not some theoretical person, ME!), or "While you let me drive your car?", or "Will you let me take pleasure from the subjugation of your pride, social standing, bank account, friendship, body, morals, etc?" Gosh, I can hear the "NO!!!) from here, easily a 1000 miles away! See, YOU CAN say "No", and you probably don't feel badly about it at all! You MIGHT not want to hurt my feelings, but your good sense came to your aid, and kicked in, the way it is supposed to do, mostly because we ARE separated by that 1000 miles, AND because you have no emotional investment in my hurt feelings...well not enough to overcome your good sense. However, when the person (infringer) is closer, it becomes more difficult, but no less ssensible and necessary. There are those out there who are not only infringers, but users, who fully intend on sliding thru life on the coattails, or backs, of others. We call the most obvious of these "con men" (and "women", not to be sexist, and to be accurate, although they also go by other names, like "black widow"), and the worst of them are the gangs that sell siding, driveway repairs and other scams mostly preying on the elderly
hi-I'm back-trying to catch up a little with journals. I teeter back and forth with the "No" thing. Sometimes I am really good at it, "NO, I'm all set with that." But then sometimes I find myself doing things I really don't want to do because I couldn't say NO. Those things however are usually things directly or indirectly related to my kids:) Hope all is well.
Here's what I learned at a hospice volunteer training many years ago and have carried with me since,
"If you never say 'No,' then what is your 'Yes' worth?
10 step program for saying "NO"
1. Will doing this really benefit the other person or make them weaker.
(ex.. kids.. we have to say yes.. to a point.. if you always say yes you can become a mom taxi and nothing more.)
2.)Do YOU want to do what was asked.
3.)Who cares who's feelings get hurt... yours are hurt becasue u were asked...and they put u in a weird position, did they care?
4.)Does this person help u?
5.)Do you have the time?
6.) will doing this effect your life any? Time for kids etc..
7.)If you DON"T do this thing asked by someone else, will the world end?
8.) Think about, if this person is mad becasue you didn't do what they have asked, Do u really care they if they are mad now anyway... and just think that's all it will take for them not to ask u things anymore ... 1 "no"...
9.)Would they do this "thing" for you if the shoe was on the other foot?
10.)Repeat after me ....N...O... pretty easy huh?
Muah-J
Trick question.... will you do me a favor? just say no.
By the way, I sent u an email that might help...
Muah-J
Yes, it is a trap that alot of us ladies fall into...because we are the care givers, and in our minds anyone who cares would never say No! Instead of a really flat out No..try saying....Well, gee I really can't (work OT/babysit/Walk the dog/Clean up a mess/etc..etc...) followed by "I have other plans"...its letting someone down easy but you are still standing by your guns. My daughter works, has 4 kids all under the age of 7 and people ask her to do things for them all the time...like right this poor girl has time for you! She's finally learning to say No..thank goodness. Time is valuable don't let others eat it all up.....Sandi
Now get in front of a mirror and just yell no to the person looking back for like 5 minutes..........NNNNOOOOOOO!!!!!!!..............now didn`t that feel good........yyyyeeessss!!!!
Go for it, Rebecca!! I know how difficult it is, for I have a hard job saying no in my work - because so often it involves helping a child. But if I said yes to everything, then I would have nothing left to give. Oh dear, it's a fine line to walk, isn't it?
Good luck to you - and remember that by saying no to others, you are saying yes to a more productive and satisfying life for yourself and your daughters.
Vicky
Welcome to the world of so many 'well-meaning' women. I would definitly join the 12 step program! I really need to learn that 2 letter isn't as bad to say as it seems. Good luck!
Tammy
Do not scold yourself for not being able to say "NO" or "No Thank You".....it only means that your heart is bigger than your will....I see nothing wrong in that! Peace Marc :)
Wonderful journal....Keep up the insights...they help me.
LuvAli
You definitely are not alone! For me, the desire to not hurt someones feelings stemmed from a deeper fear that I had to give more than the average Joe in order to be liked. When I liked myself better it became easier to say "no" and not feel so damned guilty. Paulette
Great Entry. I have the same problem! And I don't have kids, so its not a "Mom" thing... I dont know what it is really... I like what your friend said .
"You are not responsiable for my feelings"
That is such a great truth... one I must remember the next time someone askes me to do something I really dont want to do.
Love your journal! Take Care
The Dancing Wolf
http://journals.aol.com/shewolfdancing/LifeofAWolf
Rebecca, I needed this about an hour ago when my work called to ask if I could come in early due to a co-worker calling in sick. Of course NO was the 1st thought that popped in my head, but my mouth shot out a "yeah, sure" before I could even catch it! Now my day is ruined. . .all the things I wanted to do are shot. I know how you feel honey. If you find the answer to saying no, let me know! Barbara
http://journals.aol.com/stronghands63/AHandfulofCheez-itsandaHotCupofJ/
YAY for you. I am guilty as well. My husband used that 2x4 last fall, and gave me a good whack of ideology. "Just say NO. Remember that?" he said. Keep up the mantra. Even if it isn't a 'firm NO' it is progress if it isn't a "yes!" Cya, and good luck. Keep that stiff upper lip! hehe. Kris
Wow!
You're incredible! There! There's a bit o' affirmation for you on this St Patricks Day!
I actually clicked on this, (while my husband is snoring in the recliner with the remote wrapped tightly in his hand) cause my name is Iris.
Now, I'm very happy with me for doing just that! Isn't it odd how one click will give you inspiration for the day?
Anyway, thanks for being there and sharing your private thoughts...food for thought, really...so, thanks for the snack!
I think I'll save you to favorites!
Have a blessed day!
Iris
Being able to say "NO", Comfortably = With no regrets, no self-consciousness, no mind nibblings, etc... I've mastered it. How? By NOT allowing others to infringe upon me, to take advantage of my "yes's"... These last few years, I've lived with this motto, among many others: I WILL TEACH OTHERS HOW TO TREAT ME! By "treat", I am NOT referring to some sort of fancy dessert...NOOOOO... I'm talking about Behavior... I show others what is acceptable, tolerant behavior in terms of dealing with me. It is proactive, and I choose to practice it on a daily basis!... So please, add me to your list of "select few friends who have no problem telling anyone and everyone the big old NO word when they see fit"!!!... Diane.
Post a Comment