Derailed

       Derailed plans. This is the divine structure of being a parent. Shelby is pretty sick, so in town we are staying today and probably for the next few days! A doctor visit and now we are hiding out at my parents home. Not quite what I had planned, but the upswing of things is they have a computer and are out of town. So poof, I'm back and incredibly, I have tons of time on my hands.

       A beautiful thing happens when you change your cell phone message, and turn the damn thing off. Clarity of silence is amazing. I turned it on briefly this morning and panicked when it rang within the first 4 minutes. I made a few calls and off it went, back to cell phone banishment for another 6 days. Can I just say I LOVE IT. Technology has it's pluses, but it also has it's huge downside. There is no escape if you have all the modern devises.

       I had a wonderful weekend. I think I'll just leave it at that. Breathing is a good thing and for a few days I took many deep breaths. Coming back into town this morning, I had a sense of foreboding stirring in my stomach, back to that gut kicked feeling. But once safely hidden inside my parents home I began to relax again. Checking all of their kitchen cupboards I've found great stashes of Grandparents goodies, so us girls will be able to snack on junk food, hang out and enjoy ourselves. It's not the same as the Mountains, but it will do until my little teen is feeling better.

       I wrote the word wonderful up there. I really like that word. Wonderful is such a state to be in, I think there should be more wonderful in this here life of ours. Wonderful can be used to describe a beautiful feeling, emotion, a mountainside or river, a moment, another person. When wonderful is gone from my life, my perspectives and sight falters in such a manor I began to drown in things like turmoil, heartache, decisions and choices.

       Wonderful is something illusionary tangible, something that can be achieved when you go out and seek it's likeliness out. Wonderful can be a well placed thought, a hug from another, reading a book or essay from a talented author. Think about a poem that reached deep down inside you and rustled things up a bit, that's a wonderful thing.

       Maybe I'm just in a wishful, wonderful, full of hope stage in my life and the graffiti on a train would look like wonderful expressions of art right now. Of course, just as wonderful and hope seem to surface, I still feel those constricting moments of ,oh holy shit, what's going on here. Maybe time will truly heal all, I'm not broken, just a intricately splintered piece of fine stemware right now.

       It's all good. The mental battles that go on inside me sometimes is Oscar producing stuff. A modern day Gladiator series, fear factor has nothing on the mental battle that wages on inside this old mind of mine. All the different thoughts battling for their own agenda, I think sometimes if some shrink doctor could take a tour through the corridors here in my mind, I'd be on a tossed into a 6 month sabbatical for further testing.

       It's all good. Nothing like ordinary craziness. But with most crazy people <and I do believe we all harbor some bit of crazy in us, if not, damn how boring would the world be> , we can be quite magical performers. Never let em see your gladiator battles and you too will be perceived as normal, right? All subjective, all appearances, all is good.

       Ok, before I'm sent to the crazy ward section of Internet Land, I'll lay off the crazy talk. Rambling is a talent of looney people. I've had the pleasure (insert a tone of sarcastic here) of spending time in a few true mental wards. I have a brother, who has spent his time meandering the hallways of such places. It's the most amazing people watching ever. But, that, can be a big old entry all on it's own. <And no, he's not crazy, in clinical terms, but I'd argue with that at times, his frequent visits stem from temporary alcohol induced physco moments>

       Ok, back to I'm just a simple gal with regular issues, nothing short of a normal ordinary day. Sounds better that way. But then again, I am the gal hiding out, so who knows what's considered normal and ordinary these days. Normal is nothing short of my illusions of the difference between what is, and what can be.

 Mercy me, I'm back.