New Hope

     
       Almost a week since I've wrote. There's been many reasons for this.
      
       One, inundated with work has been an overwhelming factor. I know this is a direct result of over focusing on one irrelevant item to avoid another emotional turmoil.
      
       This in turn causes, in my line of business, too much work for one Rebecca to manage without tossing in a 70 hour week. I never signed up for a 70 hour week and frankly, have no desire for such work hours. At least I know it's temporary and I can scale back, soon hopefully.
     
        Second, the more I work, the more I can avoid friends, family, close ties, and their relentless opinions and questions. If I hear "told you so" one more time I think I'll just revert to some sort of nomad hermit, toss everything to the wind and move to a hovel high in the mountains. Live off the land and be free of emotional ties, cell phones, responsibility, expectations and implied pressure. 
     
        Although that last paragraph seems irrational, it's how I feel right now. I am tired. There is no doubt about this. This month has been a test of emotional strength and stamina that presently, I cannot predict an outcome.
      
       You've all heard the analogy about the frog in boiling water right? I am the frog that stepped into nice tepid water and even as the temperatures rose I waited patiently for the water to subside. I am the frog that even as the temperatures boiled seemed unable to jump out. I am the frog thats being boiled alive, and is unable to reach up and turn the stove knob off. I am a damn analogy.

       The bête noire in my life has such staying power, the chance of breaking free has been as slim as Lara Flynn Boyle at times. Hind sight is always 20-20 and with each reach for the stove knob, lessons are learned, new tactics are devised and a surge of will power emerges.
      
       I do fear all the "told ya so's" it's almost like saying "Rebecca, hownaive could you be to think this was going to work?" Hmmmm actually, I believe someone has already said almost such a direct thing.

       Failure is not a word I've ever really took kindly too. Maybe I've always been one of those people who the motto, 'failure is not an option' was written for. Yet, when it comes to relationships, my time honored stamp reads 'Rebecca, here lies love failed' Yep, Vicky, I'm turning cynical. Or I'm just enervated, or frustrated, or <insert any adjective or verb you'd like>

       A commenter wrote in my previous entry that I seemed to be a romantic at heart. Yes, I would agree with that. Romantic could quite possibly suggest dreamy, dreamer, unrealistic hopes, expectations of something intangible. So I question myself as to what do you hold onto, and what do you give up. Is there a fine line between expectations and hopes, versus, reality and acceptance. Mind over heart, heart over mind. Which is it? Or are these two supposed to work hand in hand? A parallelism between truth and dreams.

       I spent a weekend once on the Oregon Coast with someone and it was full of laughter and smiles. I've had that picture next to my bed for many years now. Sometimes I just stare at my smile, my innocence and my happiness and question why I ever got off that log. But I know the answer to that question. It was the factor of reality, all part of the equation, the heart was left out of that decision.

I know for now, I must do what anyone would do, keep moving along. Maybe this week I'm alittle numb, because I've been watching the ticking countdown, and am certain it will be passed. Lesson learned. So I pick myself up, and work with what I've been handed and not let all the "told ya so's" bring me any lower then I already feel.

New Hope Is All I Have To Hold Onto Now And That Picture.