Sometimes. We circle back. Sometimes.
Always so surprised how complicated words and thoughts, simple grace and desired solutions fall so quickly through my grasp. I close my eye's, find that simple truth and begin to know how much I really do care. I've deleted and wrote, deleted and wrote this entry several times over the last few days. Can't make it past that care part. Care, what do I care about? No, it's not about what I care about. I know very much what and who I care about, it's about this piece hidden inside my chest. My silence makes me a coward.
I read something once that said, "If a fish kept his mouth shut, he wouldn't get caught." There's a lot of simple truth to that statement. But I know keeping my mouth shut has been both my saving grace and my divine downfall. Delete more damn deletion.
All right, here's the deal. For those of you whom frequent my journal. Here is a disclaimer. Sometimes, I have no choice but to let the somewhat eclectic, sad, frustrated, pissed off, beaten down soul in me loose. Some of you have been able to piece together there is a mysterious air of sadness, something just not quite right in my life and this is true. I've gotten a few of those "Your not telling the whole story" emails. For those who have confronted me, bravo, perception is a brilliant thing of which I can admire. Riddles and rhymes are my best forte. I think as I continue my journey, all will be revealed in time. Time, is my nemesis. Silence has always been my safety.
I've been struggling writing tonight, because honestly I was worried "you" wouldn't understand, think I was nuts, run as fast as you could to the other side of Internet world. So throwing caution to the wind, like throwing paint to the canvas for a beautiful abstract feel, Just me, a journal, and my train wreck of thoughts, tonight I write............
And I have to know what ever will become of me. Looking to the end. What is the truth. And I need to know. Now that I have fallen, what will become of me. I know how to bleed without the cut. I know how to hurt without the hit.
Once forsaken what should have been cherished. I don't understand how that can be forgiven. Can we sometimes find our way back. Kicking the heart that needs you, where's the humanity in that. Night after night I feel it.
A wave ebbing and flowing, wearing the rock down until it's a smooth stone with no dimension. Pretty to look at, nice to touch, but looks like all the others laying in the sand. What a beautiful disaster I've become. Barely a smooth rock, simply a shell.
If my thoughts are mine, then why did I allow them to be banished for so long. Empty rooms, broken lights. See a smile and nod in appreciation. And I have to know what ever will become of me.
Looking to the end see the light. Follow me. I know the sound of wings in flight. I know what part of me has been hidden. I crave. I miss. Careful, strangely mystifying and simple. What. Intriguing and obstinate. Why. Confident and calamity. It hasn't been allowed here in my world. Uninvited pauses.
My silent consideration will make up for all that I lack. This wicked madness is my lesson. Bring me to my knees and lighten my load. In the arms of my angel comfort will be mine. My shadow can feel the touch of sunlight now. I want you to see me. You'll know who I am.
Audacious. Labyrinth within the quest. Did I really need one to follow the other. Sometimes we circle back. Steady now. Kowtow with a polite smile. As always my truth lies in between. It's my story, audition for the length. It will all seem clear, as soon as this disappears. When there is nothing to fear. Into the bayou my shadow will swim. I will know what will become of me.
Thank you for the touch of inspiration on my shoulder this evening.
18 comments:
I love that picture....
indeed, many riddles here. a chance to glimps you...but only through a distorted reflection. but, that doesn't really matter. the words are beautiful, very lovely.
it's your J, you write what keeps you safe but exposes at the same time. there's this careful balance at first, but it gets easier. Atleast, this has been the experience for me.
"What a beautiful disaster I've become." I love those words. But, I don't like what they mean....
" I crave. I miss. " "Intriguing and obstinate" "Barely a smooth rock, simply a shell." "Once forsaken"
I can see these as titles to chapters in your life. I wonder what story lies behind them.....and how does each chapter end?
"I want you to see me. You'll know who I am."
ok. I am willing to wait. :)
Mmm, poetry.
-Paul
Wonderful picture. Take your time, Rebecca. We all have issues and we're all multi-faceted individuals. I love your riddles and poetry because they are you. I do not doubt that if you chose to reveal something about you, those who had been reading your J will continue to do so. I for one, will always read your entries, whatever they may be. Love you, R! XOXOXO. http://journals.aol.com/dcmeyer420/DearDiary/
First, beautiful picture! Next, you paint wonderful pictures in words... yes, you aren't telling the whole story, but you are telling what you are comfortable with sharing... and doing that with the most amazing words.... I for one will continue to come and read and look forward to the next little insight into you!
http://journals.aol.com/astaryth/AdventuresofanEclecticMind
Yes, you can find your way back, or to a different and better place. Of that I am 100% sure. But probably not painlessly.
I cried when I read this.....perhaps I glimpsed a bit of myself. You are on the edge, teetering on the verge of truth and conscious existense. It is your choice which way the wind blows you now.
Beautiful entry. Your paintbrush was fully loaded today.
CarrieCMc
http://journals.aol.com/ccmcwriter/TheWayICameToBeMe
I justed wanted to let you know I was here-but I want to read this again with fresh eyes in the morning. My own thoughts tonight would not be clear...tired...yawn...talk to you tomorrow.My own comments tonight would not do this entry justice I am afraid.
This is my first time visiting your journal and I must say I'm glad it was today. I make this comment not having ventured any further yet, though I soon will. The pain and feeling of being lost were overwhelming, I had to read it through again. I could make guesses as to what you may have been through, but that would be unfair. I can say this, while I may have never found those words to express it, I have felt the way this entry has made me feel on a number of occasions. I have found my way, though at times wonder if it's the path I should be on. My life as a mother to 2 boys and a wife bring my more joy than I could ever have imagined. That doesn't mean there aren't times when I feel I have no idea who I am or who I'm suppose to be. Turmoil and tradgedy have had their roles too often in my life and from what I can tell, in yours too. I hope that peace and happiness play a much more present and consistent role in your life. Take care and thankyou for sharing this honest and emotional journey.
Tammy
http://journals.aol.com/tschamberland/lifeliveitormissout/
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Absolutely beautifully written. I read it three times to be sure, I understood. THough I can not say I totally understand, for I am not in your mind. Yet I feel a bond with these words and have an understanding. Being able to circle back i spart of that growing. Part of that resolve we so desparately seek at times. It doesn't have to be dreaded but taken for what it is worth and taken for we can ascertain from it. Pain/Failure is only the beginning to understanding what Pleasure/success is about....
Don't ever feel your words aren't understood. We can appreciate the written thought...YOU appreciate the power of emotion poured into those words...
Jodi
yes. judi
I have often thought more deeply reading your journal than many others. Thought-provoking, but not for mental, however for emotional reasons. Beautiful pictures painted into my mind. Sometimes yours and sometimes my own. I enjoy reading about the relationships in your life helping to disect who you might be. Indeed, many faceted. Although never knowing fully, it is good to explore and expand additional personal relationships in my own life based on feeling in touch with those of others and their experiences. Thank you for sharing and coming a little out of the 'shadow' for all of us to enjoy! More soon, Cya, Kris
Circling back and forth with words and thoughts can be so very soothing. I can see your thoughts through shimmering waters, Rebecca. Pouring them out and sifting through them will gradually bring some clarity, both to you and your readers. Try to be still sometime and let the waters rest and see what you can see. Meanwhile, thank you for bringing us on your journey, and sharing your poetic words.
Vicky
PS - my computer is majorly kaput - large financial outlay is in the offing :(
...beautiful...
~JerseyGirl
http://journals.aol.com/cneinhorn/WonderGirl
Thank you for sharing yourself with us, your readers. This is the first time I have visited your journal, but I will be back again and again. Paulette
A moving piece, fraught with the aura of "what if", "how could" and "when will", allowing the reader to fill in the blanks after each. The past is known, the future unknown. Every morning we leave the known in search of the unknown, setting sail on seas by turns calm, restless, threatening and dangerous, never certain of reaching the lee shore. "Like sand through the hourglass flows..." time slips through our fingers, never to return. We look around, sighting landmarks, then the sea heaves, a sigh by a sleeping giant, and we are again lost upon it's surface, whirling madly under an unforgiving sun. The days blend into the nights, time passes in a madcap parade, we eat, we breathe, we cry, we sigh for lost chances and broken dreams, then pick ourselves up and rejoin the parade, a clown with tears not painted on, but tracing lines on our faces for all to see. In a flash of insight, all is clear until the mirror breaks; we scurry to pick up the pieces that now show only parts of us, only shards of what was once a noble experiment now an afterthought of an incomplete life left gasping on the shore, a fish desperately seeking return to the sea, another casualty in the ongoing battle between Good and evil, Right and wrong, Light and dark. The elements crash around us in titanic struggle for our attention and obedience, as we walk a path at once lonely and perilous, our eyes on the road ahead, our minds on the ground we have already covered. In this manner we inch toward our goals, clinging to the security we have known as we reach toward that which we can only guess at and hope for, moving forward in the eternally hopeful way humans do. Thus do we transform our dreams into realities, thus shall we ever.
Your mystery is a mystery. I recognized the emotions while the words were clearly your own. It takes courage to be honest with others. It takes the willingness to lay on your own sword to be honest with self. I'm forever learning. Thanks for sharing this. It left me feeling shifty. Always a good thing.
WOW ! Amazing.....slinking away slowly thinking I should just delete MY journal b4 I ever get it started. What a way with words......
Sometimes... you think of your "angel"... and wonder about all the "what-ifs", "could-have-dones", "if only's"... then, back again, to your sole self... and in the end, you must trust and embrace thyself.
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