About Face

I fear there will be no future
For those who do not change.
Louis L'amour

       There is something about the New Year, that sends a person reaching deep down inside, into a quandary of thoughts. Questioning the past and the future, weighing significance against irrelevant. 
       The 1st, of the 1st month, in a new year. You can do an about face, stop looking to the previous months and face the coming 12 months with new hope. A refreshed optimism. A clean slate if you may. Is it an illusion <?>, of course, the same things that haunted me a week ago have not disappeared. Maybe I just feel a renewed inner effort to stand again, fight and make the things happen that I so badly desire.
       I am an eternal springtime optimist. In the depth of winter I calm, my desires for change are silent, rebuilding, remounting. I toss thoughts and idea's around with silent tribute. A smile on my face and a fight wagering inside.
       The caged bear inside me paces about, waiting for the signs of spring. Rebirth they call it. Spring, a time of renewal. Everything has had it's time to rest, sleep away the cold and isolation. I've had time to reflect, redefine what has been wonderful and what had become irrelevant.
       March. In my world, it's an eternity between the holidays and March. March is the month I have begun to be truly be desperate for every year. Looking for signs of life daily. Waiting for the crocus to appear from the surface of the earth. Waiting for the buds on the tree's. March, there's something pretty special about March. Both my daughters were born in March. One daughter was due on Feb. 22, but she wanted to wait until the first of March, one daughter, was due April 6, but she decided the last week of March was when she wanted to start her life. It seems only fitting........
       The truth is, by the end of every year, I am tired. And even if it's only an illusion I keep tucked here in my mind, I wake up New Year's Day with my perspective intact, rejuvenated and ready. What kind of adventures will I take this year........what kind of difference can I make in my own life..........and the lives of the people I hold dear in my heart..........what types of experiences will I reflect on next December when I again settle into quiet reflections......... will I be the person I want to be, find the courage to make the sacrifices and changes I know I must..........

       "Life could only be understood backwards, but must be lived forward"
Kierkegaard

       No New Years Resolutions for me this year. The major changes I desire were here a month ago, and here today, and I know I'll be standing at the edge of that cliff tomorrow without a parachute in hand.
       They say there is an air of sadness about those who quest for the perfect in everything. A wandering soul, searching, us INFP's are. Searching for the unique, searching for such things such as soulmates, perfection, internalizing others pain as if it was our own. A causality in my own right.
       Amazing how your own words, your own mind can backfire on you. One sentance takes your emotions down a path you had rather not divulged. Typing does that to a person. Writing, can be an ali or your own undoing. Tonight, I fear, it's going to work away from me. Too many thoughts running around in here to be let loose at my fingertips...............