Uncharted Days

Since the clocktowers of 2005 are breathing down my neck and the illusional concept of a clean slate for 2006 is staring rather obnoxiously at me today, I feel I must smile sweetly and face it.

I'm not entirely ready for 2005 to be over. I had some rather amazing things happen this year. Amazing is also subjective in it's own fashion. Amazing doesn't necessarily mean good, and it doesn't have to mean wonderful. I had some really amazing bad things happen that have left the proverbial lifetime impressions. I've also had some rather amazing good things happen, priceless, precious in there own right that I won't be giving up anytime soon.

Resolutions are something I typically shy away from. Besides, I believe resolution is just a fancy word for making decent choices and gawd knows I try to maintain that frame of mind each and every single day. Thankfully there's a decent space given for marginal error allowed with that concept. I'd be toast without that space of graceful exceptions.

I prefer at this point in time of the year to look back and decide whether or not I believe I personally made 2005 worth my time. I believe I did, and thats good enough for now.

So today, I will turn my back on 2005 and face a new year, full of spotless days, and long calendar months.

Walking into the river of new year, uncharted, full of mystery, and amazing possibilities. Who knows, maybe I'll finally net that big fish I've been trying for all my life........................

Happy New Year Everyone, enjoy those uncharted days and glorious choices placed at our life doorstep each and every day~

 

Balanced Connection

We are, each of us, angels with only one wing. And we can only fly embracing each other." — Luciano De Crescenzo



In dreams, it is said that wings represent a release of creative forces, that they give us the ability to understand and transcend the human condition. In religion, wings appear on angels, fairies, spirits and demons. In mythology, winged creatures are often messengers of the gods; they are a symbol of freedom and spirituality and a character having one wing is said to be lost in dreams.

Since the day I rested my eye's upon this art piece by James Christensen called Sleeper in Lost Dreams, I was instantly drawn into it's presence. I've added it many times in my personal journal here, specifically on days I was afloat, drifting within my own corridors seeking peace of mind.

Perhaps I am seeking connection to my dreams. Maybe it's possible I internally seek the comfort of Gods again. Or, I gaze upon this piece and see a bit of me, looking down, missing wing, amber colors, and peaceful yet, solitary quiet.

I don't fight my tears anymore, and I still believe in humanity beyond anything else. I understand my desire to connect with all the forces around me and I rest my mind on the soothing spirit of others.

During this season I wish for myself and those I am blessed to know
     
Comfort from within and others
       Less grief and more smiles
Greater sweet memories and

Love that brings you to your knees

       More serenity and the beauty of angels
Admiration of another
       Solitary moments of conviction and
Laughter filled rooms of life
       Hugs of a child and embrace of a lover
Family protection and friends for a lifetime

Balanced connection

But most of all, I wish that everyone has another, to complete the wings of your dreams 
   

~Peace be with you~

Procrastination

       I typically never say such a blasphemous thing, but I have officially vowed shopping off. The bank is closed, the chick shopper in me is sapped of all buying desire. I have not an ounce of shopper left in me. What's purchased will have to do.

       I finished my shopping yesterday, along with thousands of other harried, last minute shoppers. A showcase of zombie like people with a slightly dazed look to our eyes. All of us looking for the elusive gifts that meant something other then a consolation gift of convenience.  

       I'm not sure if I conquered or had my arse whipped by the mission I embarked upon, but I am indeed alive today. I have a pile of gifts to wrap and I am satisfied with the gifts I was able to find. That is going to be good enough.

       I started observing people yesterday, as I was standing in torturous long lines and battling my way down store isles. It was a glorious day for people watching. With the clock ticking just hours away from the big day, and each of us with our wads of cash or tenacity of plastic cards in hand, we weren't there enjoying the Christmas music or the displays of various stores. We were on a quest.

        Last minute shoppers are purpose driven people on a mission, who have no desire to stop and get a free facial or spritzered by a fragrance salesperson. The majority of us were rather nice about it all. We all plastered smiles of mutual understanding on our faces and even embarked on simple conversation of boosting each others spirits while standing in lines.

       Since I'm a question asker, I asked many people the same question, "Why are you doing your shopping so late in the season?" The answers were varied. Some people were just tying up loose ends, some people had to wait on a paycheck, some people swore that they got MUCH better deals closer to Christmas and some people just shrugged and said the month got away from them and they realized they only had 2 days before the big day. I myself fall into that last category.

       Procrastination has it's pitfalls and again, it has it's shiny side. For instance, I didn't over buy like I might tend to do if I had shopped throughout the month. And the one shopper was right, there are some great deals out there right now from the stores who don't want to hang onto Christmas inventory.

       Now Gladiator style shopping is a fine art, you must be brave to muscle your car into tiny little parking spaces without dinging someone. You have to stand your ground with your cart like it's a battle ram from medieval times. Some department stores must think it's a sick and twisted joke to make the isles small enough that two carts can't make it past each other. Therefore causing a traffic jam of gigantic proportions.

       The way I see it, they think if they can lock up potential shoppers, we'll get bored while waiting for the mess to clear and buy up everything, no matter what it is, in the interim. I'm certain this is mastermind planning from the corporate world. At least in those type of stores, they patronize me by placing all the new magazines in the long check out lines so we can all read the new People without having to purchase it. Thats kind of them.

       By the end of the day, I was really seeing the comical side to last minute shopping. Zombie stares, gladiator style tactics, magazine reading, babies screaming, counting pennies, smiling at other zombies, and laughing at each others dire straights.

       It turned out to be a rather interesting day. And I hereby swear, I will not shop again for the rest of the year. I am cured, my shopping bug has deserted me, I am on financial lock down, the ATM is closed.

       So until next year.............

And for all you early shoppers. You know who you are, the ones that start shopping back in October or even earlier.

I bow to your wisdom~

~Today~

       There has been a few times I've remarked here about the power of a comment. I've also mentioned a few times the power of inspiration that can be drawn from others. I also believe I've stated a few times how perplexing and fascinating I find the connection this quiet world of journals holds.

Today provided no exception to my awe of this forum.

       Thank You. Because, the power of peoples words, their giving nature and spirit has made an incredible difference in one young ladies thoughts, smile and year. Kaitlyn has been flying on cloud nine since she signed on and discovered emails galore and comments that addressed her, her thoughts, her question and her little self. I believe she read everyone's comments at least 5 times.

       She still believes in Santa she declared :::huge Mom smile:::

And I declare, not to scare anyone, but if I could crawl through my computer tonight, I would just to give everyone a big old sappy hug. You made my day too.............

~Huge Heartfelt Thank You ~
~From Two Gals Who Appreciate Your Gift of Time and Words Very Much~~~~>

I've been gathering my 12th month reflections here in my mind. It's about time for me to surmise my year, tie out the strings, and mark the year 2005 down in history. I went back and read my last December entries, just to see where I was, what I was thinking.

       I know right now, I've certainly learned a few new lessons this year, to last me a lifetime. The years just keep coming, and keep dishing out lessons and experiences. Some of it I treasure, some of it I wish I could pretend never happened and some of it I'm still out in lala land about.

       I figure at this rate, by the time I'm 60 I can hopefully close up shop and ride the rest of the years out in wisdom filled peace. It's rather funny, because I know when I was mucking through my twenties I kept thinking, if I can make it to the thirties I'm sure I'll have figured it all out. Probably the only thing I've figured out, is that it is naive to think I'll ever really have it 'figured' out. I think I need to quote myself on that one, hang it up above the old computer and laugh at myself everytime I think I've stepped onto a brink of thoughtful revelation! History, future, past and tomorrow, a relatively subjective thing thats as complicated as a Pandora's box.

Today, I'll just bask in the fact that many people made a beautiful difference in my families life today. A nice thing to bask in if I may say so myself~~

Belief

I have a Mini-Me. Her name is Kaitlyn and she was born to me on March 30th 1995. This makes her 10, soon to be 11. It's remarkable sometimes when I realize how very much like me she is. Sometimes it's flattering, sometimes, it's downright scary and sometimes, it just makes me stand in awe over this little human being that I'm lucky enough to have in my life.

Young Kaitlyn is also a writer by nature, she is also very much a 'why' person by nature.Therefore, writing, questioning, exploring, thinking, thoughts, asking, is all part of her everyday world.......................
See a resemblance??

I've never mentioned it here, but she does have a journal, one that she's kept since last March, but I made her start a new one, in October. Her other screen name contained her last name <Her Father did that> and I didn't believe that was a smart move.

I have a point, bear with me. It came to my attention in the form of a journal alert that young Kaitlyn is questioning Santa and his premise. In fact reading her words, it's seems she think the man is a big old fake.

The age is correct for her asserting the 'is he real' question, and I've been hit up with some fairly great questions that even for a Mom, it's hard to wiggle out of.

For the first time, I've read that she's asking for interaction, a question, much like I do on my journal, in her writing.

I thought perhaps this would be a good time to show a pathway to a little 10 year old and maybe the fine people who visit my journal wouldn't mind going over to her world and adding a bit of your wisdom.

Of course, I'm about as biased as you can get, but I do believe the kid shows amazing potential to be a great writer someday. She's already won a state award for an essay she wrote and submitted, she was 9. I hope that she continues writing in her journal and thinking things through as she always does.

But for now, the looming Santa question is one I'd love to pass off, and let her see the feedback from others. Thats all, and thank you, from one Mom, to all of you~~

Kaitlyns Wild World of Writing

So it's the holidays.......

So it's the holidays.
It's finally sunk in that I should probably be getting ready for the big day, the mother of all giftwrapping and bow filled wish lists.

It's an interesting play of thoughts, this specific holiday season, because for me, I have removed one of the factors in the reason it's celebrated, meaning the Christ before the mas........So for me, it's about giving gifts to those around me because I love them. A means to showing give in a world circled around take.

On the flip side, my daughters are still in the process of learning about Christ, church etc. A while ago, I decided, that just because I stand on one branch of life, that shouldn't mean they couldn't be exposed to it, so that they can make their own decision. Thats correct, this Atheist takes her daughters each Weds night and drops them off at Awanas and most Sundays they go to church with their Grandmother.

So, I find it's usually pretty easy to glide through the holidays, respecting all sides of the reasons for the season.

One thing I do know about the day of Christmas itself, is that my most memorable, my most distinctive holiday is the one that I had absolutely no money. It wasn't all that long ago either, about 7 years ago. Officially living on my own, starting a new business all on my own accountability, and having not a penny in the bank account. I wasn't receiving Christmas cards in the mail, I was receiving constant overdue bills. It wasn't a festive picture.

I remember feeling horrible that I didn't have the money to buy a Christmas tree, not a dime to buy a present for my daughters, much less anyone else. They were so young and I remember them saying things like "I've been so good this year Mommy, I'm sure I'm on Santa's 'good' list." Pure pride and determination kept me from asking for help from anyone, but I did ask a friend if I could clean her house for 20 dollars. Enough to buy 10 presents, per child at the dollar store. It was the best I could come up with.

Tears, would well up in the sides of my eye's, but I know I never let them fall. It was the time when I had to let the entire present side of Christmas fall to the wayside and discover other reasons to appreciate the season. I had no choice but to do this. It felt wrong to even spend the 20 dollars on dollar store presents, I didn't really have food in the cupboards.

Even in my silent suffering a select few knew of my destitution. It was these people, who showed me the difference, the magic in Christmas that I had forgotten as I got older. Without a word from me, without asking, without begging, I did have a Christmas, more special then any before or any after.

The week prior to Christmas, several things happened that renewed my faith in life. I had gone to my office and found a present for me on my desk. I had been taking a class, for my business, and I had constantly asked another woman the time each day. She had asked me once, why I didn't have a watch, and I simply replied I would buy one as soon I could afford one. On my desk, was a beautiful, expensive watch wrapped up and just for me. I still wear that watch.........

The next day, when I came home, I found boxes and boxes of food left for me on my doorstep. My parents knew I would never accept money, so they got around me by buying enough food to feed my daughters and I for 2 months. I was filled with an appreciation I had never felt.......

The biggest blessing came in the form of a letter in my mail. In it, contained a gift card to Toys R Us. A wonderful person, an important person in my life who lived far away, had sent a note and the card, it said on the inside, "Go buy your daughters a Christmas they'll remember" I was overcome with gratitude and I did exactly that.

You know, I don't remember what I bought my daughters last year, or the year before. I don't remember any outstanding emotions or feelings from the Christmases that have come and gone since the year I was dead broke. I do remember ever single little detail about that year though.

I wish I didn't have to be in such a sad sorry state to take such notice of the true meaning of Christmas, perhaps thats the human in me. But every single year I do my best to capture the feeling of awe and inspiration I felt that year. If I could have bottled it
up, to savor over the years I would have.

I admit, when I did have a fat bank account in the years following, I did go overboard, bought things to fill up the space under the tree and it never has come close to the gratitude and appreciation I had the year there was very few presents under the tree. The only thing I learned from doing that, is that going overboard is not necessary or even gratifying.

Now, I'm off to brave the crowds, and find special things to show the people in my life how much I care and love them. And I, will spend nights in the softglow of candles and Christmas tree lights, willing myself to search deep down for those amazing feelings I know Christmas can bring forth in a person...........

Doors Of Time

       Some where along the space of moments, I believe time has fooled me into thinking it has an unshakable grasp on all that is me. Time and all it encompasses, has become something I've tried to trick, outmaneuver, and in essence, play a chess like game with. That is one of two things, either an ignorant thing to attempt to manipulate, or an arrogant defiance of the laws of life.

       It seems that your handed all these moments of truth throughout our lives, and either you notice, or ignore them. I believe I stand in the notice category, with an honorary ribbon for then ignoring them. Once you start to ignore something or pretend it can wait until later, or for the perfect moment, thats when the watchtowers of time start chiming louder then you can stand it.

       The future never stops and yesterday is part of my history. It's the honorary system that a person has only one shot at. Maybe thats why I'm so painfully aware of time. I don't appreciate my history as I should and I'm always trying to manipulate what my future will hold. What else can compare to history and future? At the end of the road, it will be all I have left, a measure of what I did with my time, what I wrote into my history and how I used the minutes of my gift of life. Right now, this is a terrifying thought.   

       I would think we've all been proposed the following question, either by ourselves or as tableside conversation with others~ If you found out you had 24 hours to live, what would you do?"~

       My answer is the terrifying part, because I believe my hours would be filled with asking for forgiveness from the ones I love.

       Now, knowing the conscious answer to my question, I have to take it square in the gut, then kick myself in the arse and correct that. Instead of lazily watching the clock and hoping things will change as the right time presents itself, I need to just face it head on NOW and do the goddamn things that need to be done.

       Thats the tricky part of this equation. It's one thing to think it, know it, feel it, and quite another to stand up, face that which causes fear and make it go away. That takes courage and the fortitude to do what's right by yourself. All alone. No one to help, it's a one woman show and I'm afraid this character has turned from heroine to sideline catalyst.

       Observation and understanding is a good starting point. There was a time where I didn't even recognize this within myself. And I hope, there will be a time when I can write, I started at point A, then I made it to area B and then with swords drawn and mind set, I really did accomplish award C............................

Plain Talk

A friend came to visit me, rather unwanted last night. He had called out of the blue and amazing enough, my vanilla talk and ruse of a voice failed me, he could tell something was off, so he came whether I thought I needed it or not.

He's one of those friends, I've kept since high school, that knows far too much about all that is me, yet never holds it against me. It's ironic how sporadic I talk to him sometimes, yet, thats always all right. Five months can pass without a word and neither of us would ever be angry at the other for it. Life happens, we're busy, we accept that.

Robert is different then most of my friends, very much so. He wears an eyebrow ring and has a tongue ring. He likes music, art galleries and woman's breasts more then anything in the world. He'll take me for long drives when I'm feeling like the breath of life has been sucked out of me, listening to Tori Amos or Prodigy as loud as I want it and never ask a single question. He respects my silence.

He respected my silence last night, but sat next to me holding my hand. He didn't ask a single question, he knows better, but he did say something that left a haunted impression in my mind for the day. He said, "Rebecca, I don't know what your fighting right now, but it's holding the best pieces of you." Thats an arty creative friend for you..........

He's right, and I hate that. Actually hate isn't a descriptive enough word, I loathe that I'm wallowing around in this sculpture of sadness. I hold no notion of sympathy for myself, I am certainly not of victim status, nor am I a vision of inspiration. I am what I am, the result of cause and effect. This space, I place the fine signature of fault firmly on my shoulders. People should get what they deserve. People who don't are the sneaky ones.

I thought about it today. I don't even have any good patent excuses to fall back on. Nope, nadda. My parents never were divorced. They never beat me. They spent a ton of time with me growing up. They encouraged me, taught me, gave me a great set of wings. The only thing I can think of, is that they were one step ahead of the therapy revolution and made sure I wouldn't have anything to take to a shrink when I was older. You know, something that would be anything close to a grand Ah Ha moment, pointing fingers and breathing a sigh of relief that pronounced a big, thats why moment! Sneaky parents~

Thats all right, I've never been much for the blame game, I'm more of a responsibility and accountability gal. Grumbling, I must admit I am responsible for my actions and I must be held accountable. I think if I ever even whispered under my breath that something wasn't fair, my parents would appear hypothetically and smack me around. They don't play that game either, old school parents, and never let me.

So that leaves me, with the grand master of all, myself. Now, I've seen enough Doctors in my lifetime to ask them on several occasions if something is wrong with my mind. You never know unless you ask!  I've tried to point out to my regular doctor on several occasions that I must be short of a few necessary mind parts. He disagrees. He's not buying it and refuses to slip me some cozy mind drugs. The last time I told him he needs to get with the drug movement program, get up to speed and start writing prescriptions, he laughed at me, makes a note and tells me he's still not buying it. Stingy Doctor~

I've also had enough pictures taken of my brain via expensive neurologists to take a good peak there to look for abnormalities. Thats right, I make Dr. Cline chuckle <<getting a real laugh from this one is true work>> when I'm bent forward studying pictures of my brain asking her "Where is the part for making rational choices, I'm pretty sure that area will show signs of damage" or I've asked her, "Show me the zone for L. O. V. E.  receptors, I'm certain those are out of whack." <<She did laugh out loud on that one>> Dr. Cline has no issues writing prescriptions, but unfortunately those are all for kicken chicken seizures, not for whacked brain choices. No humor Doctor~

At least I can say there is one legit thing wrong with my mind, I have a classic short circuit somewhere in there <I'm told thats what cause the seizures> thats right, electrical currents that don't fire off right. Personally, I have guesses it resides somewhere close to the 'make positive changes department' zone..............

Why........

I find it's easy enough, to loose sight of the things that divide the lines between necessary burdens and choice effected consequences. The difference between what is avoidable, what is simple cause and effect, what is unmistakable, unavoidable life moments is where my lines tend to become distorted and difficult to decipher.

The self serving, self preservation censorship chip located deep within me is rather quick to blow a whistle any time I start to be honest with not only myself, but to others. I am not a liar, I am an avoidance artist. It's a rather simple solution to not divulging details a person is either shamed by, embarrassed about or blatantly refusing to acknowledge both personally and publicly. Details bring forth questions, questions inspire explanations, explanations result in excuses, excuses are about putting one's head in the sand and ignoring the weight on your back that only you can remove.......

A rather cowardly act by my part, I'm not so chicken that I can't admit my faults. Faults on the other side of the coin, are rather easy for me to come clean about. A classic byline to a silent person. We can easily roll over for the fault part of things, accept blame, heap on guilt or just hang out with the results in silence. That I find, to be the easy part of this human circle.

I have discovered, that some characters in this little world of ours, are most brilliant at picking up such tendencies and using them for personal benefit. Personally, this perplexes me. I just don't understand it. Just as I don't understand why someone thinks they have the right to shout and yell at a waitress in a restaurant, or why some people think they have to lay on their horn in a traffic jam, why does anyone think they have the right to berate anyone, to cuss and raise their voice, to demean and make a person cower in their presence. This I do not understand.

There is much I do not understand. Too much sometimes that it makes my thoughts chaotic and my heart ache. I observe as much as I can, I listen as often as possible, I ask questions and bore people with my curiosity. This is something within me that doesn't become quieted, it doesn't stop, nor does it ever really satisfy.

Writing is certainly my only avenue that I turn that curiosity inward and attempt to pull understanding from myself. Why I do certain things, why I tolerate some things and fight ferociously on other things. Why people do some of the things they do, etc........My parents nicknamed me "WHY" for many years. I never shut up with my questions, and I realize more and more, I still haven't shut up with my questions and wandering quest for information.

For every 3 why questions I master the divine knowledge about, another 10 surface. This is the way of it, this is my own minds sentence in life. Why and me, we've walked hand in hand since I was old enough to ask questions................simple understanding is all I seek.

Tourniquet

 

Before me, the signs enhance me. With a black dog at my feet and a burden of choices on my shoulders, I observe the playing field with conscious desire. Writing in poetic prose becomes my voice and the words my warriors. I am the captain and this is my score. Emotions on fire and trapped decisions on a lovers tongue.

The commercialism of it could cast a definitive best seller. Everyone prospers from the prophesy of misery. A triumph of human spirit, the industry of humanity, the ignorance of a person who wallows in the bayous of emotional knives. White doves and saying no, what becomes of the person who stands in concrete. All my ladies cheer with conviction and the fella's cloak their faces in black robes of hypocrisy. My color wheel is off balance, I'm a once a year clearance sell, voice crackling with the harmony of explosive behaviors. Cowering is something I never dreamed I would be capable of. Shame in a life as a hypocrite is enough to silence any play on the fight.

Cannot name that which troubles, it could be the noose that hangs. Confusion is the walls that surround, clarity comes in the form of missed opportunities. Looking for comparison's I've found empty reasons and blatant excuses. Finely crafted to deliver an exact amount of hold power. When I am done, I will have my story. When it comes to an end, I will carry the knowledge and wisdom for it will be my only reward. With an end, clarity may finally be mine to proudly display.

When I close my eyes I see the wicked world and the mercy streets of every mans dream. They break the misery and cast a peaceful hue to even the most typical situations. I will crash into a union, and my heart will beat again. Only I hold the card to make it go away, only I stand the chance for change.

I deserve that which I stand for, I deserve that which I stand aside for and receive. I deserve what I stand and accept each and every day. I know I deserve a thread of peace, a beat of love, and comfort from that which stands in front of me. A tourniquet of typed words, neither changes nor deflects a person of selfish character, this, I already know, I've tried to reach his thread of compassion a hundred times that way. With an end, clarity may finally be my reward..........

A Result of 10

After a particularly harsh day yesterday, I found myself laying flat on my back on top of the covers to my bed, headphones on, one arm covering my eye's, the other resting across my stomach, listening to this song.........AOL Music: Goo Goo Dolls: 'Iris'

That would be my self inflicted way of making sure to ad icing on the bad day cake.

On days like yesterday, it seems to me, that my normal response is to deflect and survive, then reflect and punish myself for purely self inflicted torture. Although I know all good quotes say, you cannot live in the past, I'd like to go on a mission to collect the ones that encourage me by saying something to the effect that your past, although done, certainly does set the stage for your future.

I believe thats a mathematical certainty.

You can't pull off 1 and 2 and expect to end up with a result of 4, years later. It just doesn't compute. Nope, you make choice 1 and then 2 and what you end up with is some crazy odd number like 3 that doesn't remotely resemble what you were hoping for when you made choice 1 and 2. Is everything really made to be broken?

If I could count the tread marks on my back right now, I believe it would indicate the makings of a mighty fine abstract painting. I'll never be a Thomas Kincade painting.

I suppose, with Thanksgiving being tomorrow, I should be filled with notions of grateful and appreciation, smiling with visions of fine foods and family filled laughter. Yes, it will come, tomorrow, I'm sure.

When I was 16, I had started skiing just the year before. It felt like the right thing to do, my friends were all skiers, so it seemed logical to try it out. I had enjoyed it and spent the next summer begging my parents for new ski's. I was embarrassed to the core that I had been renting ski's, but my parents refused to purchase new one's for me until I was sure I enjoyed it and would help pay for them.

I did.

The next winter, with a half and half contribution from me towards the purchase of my new ski's I had them. They were perfect, beautiful, and had my name engraved in each one, indicating I was a true skier, not just a rental bunny. I watched the skies and prayer for snow and finally.........the ski resortwas open and all my wishes were answered.

With friends in tow, we made our way up the first ski lift and I gave my brand new ski's a try down a rather easy hill. They were marvelous, and I felt like I was truly part of the skiing crowd. Near the bottom of this first hill I stopped, parallel with the hill to wait for a friend, when my skiing took a disastrous turn.

From behind me I heard rather loudly, a man yelling something I've never forgotten. His exact words were, "Holly Mother Mary of Jesus."

I twisted in my ski's to look behind me and to my horror saw a huge man in a red and black flannel shirt wildly out of control on his ski's barreling right at me. I'd like to say I was quick on my ski's and got out of the way, but I didn't move, I froze with fear knowing I was about to be ran over by this wayward skier. With my upper body twisted to look behind me, and my legs and ski's pointing straight, I was indeed ran over by this man.

My new ski poles went flying, one of my ski's popped right out of the boot and went on a free ride down the hill and I took the brunt of his speed, size and everything else square on.

After the snow settled I lay face to face with the man on top of me and pain shooting everywhere in my body. He removed himself off me and quickly apologized and asked if I was all right. I replied that I was fine. I didn't move, just laying there, repeating to him that I was fine and I wished he would just leave me alone, to which he complied.

I laid in that snow until my friend came along, to which I told her I was fine and that I would catch up with her down at the lift. She complied.

I laid in the snow and didn't move because I knew there was something terribly wrong with me. I couldn't move one of my legs without terrible pain. Several people stopped, and I told them, I was fine.

I laid in that snow for a while. Thinking of all the work I put into buying those ski's. How much expectation I had put into them. I had done choice 1 to get to choice 2 and had my expectations of result 10................

A rather surreal time in my life that I didn't realize then, how much those words, "Holy Mother Mary of Jesus" would flicker across my mind in the future. My leg was broken, my skiing, my one and only time I ever skied on those ski's done, eventually carried off the mountain by a group of ski patrol and a toboggan.

Last night, when I was laying on my bed, those words, "Holy Mother Mary of Jesus" kept flashing through my mind. I was again laying in the snow, telling everyone I was fine, all the while in pain. I again, heard the boisterous warning call, letting me know I was about to get body smashed.

So today, I say to myself, yes, I hear the words, the warning shout, only this time I must not freeze in the face of fear. I need to make the choice and move out of the way.

Absence of Participation

The absence of participation may have been noticed by some who grace me with their comments and thoughts, or maybe, no one else had noticed except me.

Participation, meaning personal regular entries, and commenting and visiting other journals.

I step up to the stage to explain.

Although our journals were rocked by a not so small explosion last week, my lack of participation had certainly started prior to that. I tried, tenaciously to keep up, to reciprocate the gracious people who gifted me on my journal with comments. With time, and an impossible quest to maintain, I felt like I began to drown in journals. For every 10 alerts I caught up on, another 20 would come in during the time it took to master the first 10. Around the circle I traveled that never ended until I was dizzy.

My online time, that had once felt like an escape became a black hole that I felt I would never see light. So many interesting people, so much kindness and stories, heartfelt struggles and hilarious words to be found.

 Every single journal deserving of my time and attention.

 It is true, I had collected over 130 journal links just on my bloglines, not to mention the long column on my favorites list, and that all equated to the impossible expectations I set within myself.

I felt the uncomfortable tugs of that emotion, called 'your failing this task Rebecca,' knocking on my door, call me crazy, but it felt like all the links I knew I needed to visit started to mock me. Guilt also made it's appearance in my mind and I felt laden with the need to "catch up." Everytime I've sat at my computer, it's been met with the need to do right by people and get my mind and reading eye's over for a visit.

With that statement, here lies my problem. When I sit at this computer, my priority, should be with the other screen, the one hollering for my attention, the one that needs my daily participation ............My novel. The novel that I've let fall to the wayside in my ambitious nature and need to do the right thing, participate and reciprocate with all the beautiful people who grace my pages.

When I look at the amount of time I have in a single day, it doesn't seem to amount to much. Between running a full time business being a full-time Mother without the benefit of ahusband to help me out, toss in all the daily maintain life stuff, then try squeezing writing a novel in there, and then maintain a journal and visiting all the people I really enjoy........It just doesn't add up.

Gawd knows I've been trying to make it add up, shoving the round peg into the square hole type of fruitless trying, and this is why I am standing on this stage today to say, I give up. I cannot maintain this world of journals as I wish with all my heart I could. Tis hard for me to admit, but I am a mere human, and I officially claim defeat.

I need, to finish my book.

I know me, and know I will always put aside what I need for other people, and that is exactly what I've been doing everytime I sit down at this computer. Now, this is certainly a self imposed situation I've set upon myself. But with everything, there is choices to be made, a lot these days actually, and I've made a choice for myself.

I started an online journal, to see what would become of placing my written words outside my room where the walls were black, and where the roof is red. I've been touched more deeply then I ever conceived possible. I've made some priceless friends, I've laughed and cried over others entries, bonded with people I would have never known if not for this medium and most important, discovered that I am not so alone in this place called life. The comments I've received over this last year have been a lifeline to this mind of mine.

I thank everyone for that. A gift that can neither be wrapped, nor explained.

Now, I must take back my online experience, to just writing entries. I must, during this time, focus on my book that has been neglected more then I should admit. I will still place the words that linger in my room, where the walls are black and the roof is red onto my online journals. I need too. I will still be lurking around, just extremely quiet about it. If find myself with some extra time on my hands, you bet I'll be stopping by for a visit.

I hope, with this entry, anyone who wondered why I haven't been by to visit their words lately, will understand why I have been neglectful. That's my fault, 100% and although I wish I could do my part and visit everyone often, I've come to the conclusion, that I just cannot maintain anymore. For this, I am sorry and I ask for forgiveness.

Keep writing, for in my world, I believe, it's the words that set us free.

Times 3

I have done what I could.

I have shouted to the overlords of control.

I made my voice clear.

I have used my words to voice my opinion.

I made decisions based on what I can control.

I respect the choice of all others.

I admire my fellow writers.

I cannot abandon what I created, whether marred or scratched, defiled or invaded.

It is still my words, my spirit and thoughts. They can slap me down from a corporate stance, but I will again stand and nurture what is mine.

Words will be split between two worlds, a safe haven free from invasion and a haven that already owns so much of me.

This is my choice. Two avenues, two homes, all encompassing the pieces of me. I have done what I could.

 

I have shouted to the overlords of control.

I made my voice clear.

I have used my words to voice my opinion.

I made decisions based on what I can control.

I respect the choice of all others.

I admire my fellow writers.

I cannot abandon what I created, whether marred or scratched, defiled or invaded.

It is still my words, my spirit and thoughts. They can slap me down from a corporate stance, but I will again stand and nurture what is mine.

Words will be split between two worlds, a safe haven free from invasion and a haven that already owns so much of me.

This is my choice. Two avenues, two homes, all encompassing the pieces of me.

 

I have done what I could.

I have shouted to the overlords of control.

I made my voice clear.

I have used my words to voice my opinion.

I made decisions based on what I can control.

I respect the choice of all others.

I admire my fellow writers.

I cannot abandon what I created, whether marred or scratched, defiled or invaded.

It is still my words, my spirit and thoughts. They can slap me down from a corporate stance, but I will again stand and nurture what is mine.

Words will be split between two worlds, a safe haven free from invasion and a haven that already owns so much of me.

This is my choice. Two avenues, two homes, all encompassing the pieces of me.

I love my pages, more then I hate what AOL has done to me...............

No Title Worthy Of These Words

This week, I've started and stopped many journal entries for both of the journals I claim.

My heart, just hasn't been there, my sense of loyalty to the journal I've worked so long and heartfelt on, has played a series of mental battles, begging to stay with AOL, then opening our pages and seeing the defiled ads across the top and insisting I move away. AOL's invasion of my privacy and use of my private world is reprehensible to the point of criminal...........

The Rebecca, the whole me and I, is still sitting in the middle of her packed up pages, the world that I created, brokenhearted at the possibilities of leaving. I've left that huge chunk of her  at In The Shadow Of The Iris sitting atop the boxes and luggage and I believe at this point in time, I can only be patient and wait to see if we leave or not.

In my exploration and gathering of fact's, opinions, and voices of my fellow journalers this week, I've also found myself dismayed to the point of almost downright angry at a few individuals. The back stabbing, back talking, back lashing entries and comments I've gathered up during my reading was enough to make me downright sick. Period.

Here's my thoughts. A group of people become angry over a matter. Not every person has to become distraught over said matter, I neither expect or think everyone should carry the same opinion as I do, a fairly simple example of individual choice. Nor would I expect everyone to instantly share the same opinion as I do, that would be hypocritical and hypocrisy at it's finest hour.

Possibly some of the strongest voices or well known voices in the group shout loud and proud to the world what they believe are injustices. I admire that. For that matter, some of the smaller voices shout loud and proud of their thoughts, I admire that. It's about voice, not counter counts. Furthermore, some people didn't mind the intrusion, and stated so, I admire that very much too.....But, a group of people, who dive beneath the low threads of humanity, see this as a chance to strike out about the very people they once visited and at least pretended to enjoy.

Is it jealousy? Is it a disgusting example of high school mentality to attack the very people who were once a main core to a community or a quiet thread to the network? Above all, it's the people who hold the entire "It's not fair " mentality and they see such a time as one big opportunity to pat their selves on the back and announce "good riddance to the jocks and the cheerleaders" and big wigs around the community now with a "there will be more room for me."

To me, that is the lowest hour, over the course of this previous week.

That's right, I've found those people's comments and entries and I was disgusted. So disgusted that should you be one of those people, that lashed numerous people in regard to their choices, etc., and are reading my pages, I say proudly, you are no longer welcome to read my words.

I personally cannot stand such narrow minded, simple minded mentality and have no issue saying so. If you made the comments you did, to coincide with the entry of the journaler, or vise versa, you obviously didn't remember that the written word, once typed, is there to stay and for public consumption. Words, written in spite, typically will come back to haunt you, much like gossip will do with the negative use of words in person.

Say only kind things about people and you will never have to the need to whisper.............

I would also like to clarify something I found rather humorous that I came across, because it too angered me. About the VIVI award I received. No, I did not sleep with anyone to receive it. I also did not toss on a cheerleaders outfit and shout to the world that I expected and needed one. I also did not get on my knees and beg people to vote for me, nor did I rig anything.

This sort of immaturity, "it's not fair because, well, just because" followed by inconceivable reasoning's why someone won an award not only disappoints me, it also shows me that some individuals would rather rake some people over the coals rather then look upon their own journal for the answers of why they were not nominated for a VIVI.

So for me personally, I say shame on those people who generalized me and my intentions, my journal and my writing. You have insulted me and embarrassed yourself.

For those who are part of the chiding "Losah's club," the above paragraphs are not intended for you. I understand and see the difference between the playful banter and the people who have been downright nasty and opinionated about their losses and feelings directly about the winners specifically. Should anyone not understand the difference, I would expect an email informing me so that I may clarify.

As you can see, I am angry today. Angry about several things and several issues. I haven't decided what is worse, AOL's invasion of my privacy, or the sad, sad, backlash I've witnessed of people turning on the very people who helped support this community.

I hope, that soon, I can find an even ground again and restart what my journal was all about, ME. I don't know if it will always be here, or another playground. I usually like to take time to make a choice. Gawd knows I've made enough wrong choices in my life and whether small or large, I'm trying to make the right choice by me today.

And I stand now to say, I respect each persons INDIVIDUAL choice, as to whether they are staying, moving, deleting, restoring, going private, or coming back from private. The residence one stays in, makes no difference to me, the choice someone makes, I will ALWAYS honor and respect...........just as I expect others to do for me.

Thank you everyone who has visited these pages.
And to think, I spent the last 2 months organizing ALL those links into bloglines, just to start over all again................

(Edit: these words are the personal feelings of MOI not to be agreed upon, or accepted, or expected, or anything that would fall into the overall picture. No one needs to, or should, or has to, or doesn't, need to agree. I simply needed to get a few thoughts off MY personal chest and they are what they are. I for one, have never had any expectations or obligation when it came to my journal>

 

A side, silly little moment for me, because it was indeed something I was looking forward too, if you are the person who is my 20,000 visitor, please let me know in the comments below. Thank You.

Invasion of Privacy

Privacy has many meanings to me.

       I am one who prefers to lurk in shadows, coveting my private times, my private spaces, my private thoughts, and my private writings.

       Although I write in a public forum such as this, I still consider it a private matter. No family members know of my space here, no 3 dimensional friends know of it's existence, no one knows about my space, unless I've showed them the pathway. If you are reading this because you've stumbled upon my pages via other journals and such, I still consider that part of the private club we all have enlisted in.  

       Therefore, on the premise that these pages are a private matter, that contains my extremely personal thoughts and musings, it would be of no surprise that I'm extremely upset about signing onto my journal and being accosted by flashing lights of Quizno's ad banners.

       I used to believe the worst thing someone could do within my personal pages was leave a nasty comment, therefore defiling my personal walls and confines with heartless or callous notions. I stand corrected now.

       What I never dreamed would happen, that people within the confines of AOL corporate, would take it upon themselves to sneak into my personal pages during the middle of the night, hijack the entire upper portion of my journal and defile it with advertisements of companies I may or may not even like.

       Not only is it ugly, it upsets the balance, the ambiance, the peaceful appreciation I had always felt within the walls of my personal space.

I did not give permission for anyone to change the walls of my personal space.
I did not open the doors of my personal space to be spray painted with AOL graffiti.
I did not condone or warrant any such changes in something that carries my personal screen name, that I pay a high price per second online, and claim as my own.

Should I stand to be corrected? Is this space not something that I personally created, that I have labored with over the course of a year? That I've placed my thoughts, my emotions, my tears and my joys within? If I had known................that someone else could come in at any time and dictate what was contained in my personal pages, I would have chosen a different safe route to write my words.

It's not even about the hideous advertisements across the entire top of my journal. This is about an invasion of privacy and that is something that I cannot stand for. No warning, no choice, no voice, no course of action. I won't stand for an invasion of privacy in my home, how am I to be expected to accept this invasion of my personal web space?

I can't and I won't.

I have seen where in entries, a writer has blasted another, a situation, and commenters come along and agree and sometimes, things become a lynch mob, lemmings style party. Usually, I do not condone this type of behavior.

But on such a thing as blatant invasion of privacy, I will hope, others will voice their thoughts, and just possibly, many voices can make a difference.

AOL writes on their feedback page
"We are committed to putting you and your family first in everything we do"

If this is true, they will quietly apologize for invading my personal space
and quickly remove their propaganda from my walls.
Otherwise, my clone journal, created specifically for me to muse around with my novel writing, will become my refugee journal.

http://intheshadowoftheiris.blogspot.com/

Show Me The Links

~A Formal Request~
~Please~

In my never ending quest to catch up with everyone, I'm still failing miserably.
It is incredibly time consuming trying to find everyone's links sometimes.
I'm CLOSE, but not close enough on my bloglines.
SO in honor of helping me out, could everyone who visits, please leave me a comment with their journal link.
This includes, those who's links I probably have memorized.
Those who lurk and never comment......<yep I'm talking to YOU, no hiding this time pullleessee....I'll whine if I have too, oh yes, I can do that well enough, if it would help>

Show me the Links
This is your chance, flash 'em like you got 'em~
Flaunt your personal link like it's a free strip show~
Parade your address like it's going out of style~
Zip it down like it's a credit card with no limits~

I am the bag lady who collects links~

Just Do It,

Nike it,

Type it,

Stomp It,

Highlight it,

Share the Love

You are feeling sleepy, and must submit a link,

I bet you can do it faster then it takes me to drudge around looking for it.
I'll give you a present in the form of a comment, heck I might even comment Spam you!  <now thats some enticement, did it work? >

Thanks from the scattered, wanna be organized, person behind the screen.

Happy Journal Birthday To ME~

I almost missed it!!!
It's my journal Birthday!!!
Bad Rebecca!

11/8/04
One years worth of words.
19,265 Visitors
185 entries including this one.
3097 comments left
>yes I found a cool little link that shows these stats<

       First I must thank Judith at  Mirror, Mirror on the Wall for being the primary reason I realized today is my journal birthday. You see, I was the lucky number 10,000 at her journal last night. And yes, I admit it darnit, when I visited it was at 9995 and I refreshed exactly 5 times to bestow the victorious 10,000 visitor comment. Because of that little honor, I realized I hadn't looked at my counter in ages and had no idea what number I was at. First I noticed I was getting darn close to the mother number of 20,000 and then I noticed it, November 8th 2004. By damn, I almost missed my own journal birthday!!!

       All right, I'll spare everyone some mushy stuff. I've mushed and gushed enough lately. I'm a humble piece of mush. So, in honor of my journal birthday a few thoughts about this community. Hmm, ok this could get mushy, just one more time, I promise!

       First I would like to thank Karen at Jukebox Woman for being my very first commenter. Her first comment has always been an inspiration to me to keep writing, even the tough stuff.

       So many people to mention............so many people..........I'll do my best and go down my journal lists~

Paul, Aurora Walking Vacation your the first person to ever take the notice, time and interest to suggest and coax me into thinking I could possibly be a poet. Poetry, is something I never exactly thought I wrote until you pointed out the subjective obvious. I personally contribute your nudges with the fact that for the first time ever, I have submitted an actual poem <still struggling with that word, but damn if I'm not doing it> for a national poetry contest...........I'll let you know how it goes.

Virginia,  Animal Spirits your wisdom is something I've leaned on and admire. A strong soul I can feel across the states, your beauty and love is precious.

Tilly, Adventures of a desperately fat housewife first edition, signed and shipped upon publishing straight to Idaho. You have "it" the thing so many writers only wish came naturally. So, I will continue to nudge you.....dangit, someone has to knock J.K. off her pedestal someday!

J.J. Adventures of an Eclectic Mind  one of the first people who was so kind to me. Your a darling in this community and my adoration was straight from the start. Plus, your stories just amaze me!

Dawn, Carpe Diem - Seize the Day thank you for always giving such wonderful comments, a smile and may I mention, I adore your poetry. WIshing you well right now, health and no more IV's are going to be yours and soon. Take care, you and your family, our thoughts are with you.

Charles  Am I thinking that I love your stories, and they way you tell us your daily adventures. I look forward to keeping up with your adventures and someday maybe we'll get to play a video game!

Barb, HEY! LET'S TALK going to your pages is like getting cozy in a big comfy couch. Your wisdom radiates off your pages, your thoughts are well written and take a reader deep inside your world, and it's easy to reflect them right back into my own. A positive light is always a beautiful gift to hold on to, and you do that for this community.

Brian The Love Train the journalville comment poet. High marks for most original comments to be found. Your help in the community really shined through the VIVI's, and your words, comments certainly leave a mark where ever you go. Keep it up Romeo and you will find your real live Julliet out there~

Debbie My Big Fat Greek Life  OPA! I've only just begun <thats a sappy song huh?> to read your journal and just love how you present your pages to all of us. Your stories are well written,intriguing and FUN. The pictures lately, for the Halloween contest, had me rolling in laughter and sympathy for the subjects :o) Thank you for coming by my pages, if you hadn't left a link, I wouldn't have found your delightful world. Makes me want to yell OPA!

Derek, Celebration of My Exhistance I love your pictures and stories of Nana. I'm glad I've inspired some great memories in your world and always enjoy reading about them!

Dee,Dear Diary darlin you've always been such a bright spot on my journal. I admire the amazing things you do for humanity, you are truly an inspiration for everyone!

Charley, Courage your pages are always an inspiration, thought provoking and something to gleam idea's from. I thank you for this!!!

Omar,  Detached and Indifferent Expressions oh my Lord of everything that hasn't already been tagged. My appreciation for Barry Manilow is well, still a flat line, but I can contribute the voice of Colors and Barry for bringing sinister stomping throughout journalville. It takes a powerful Lord to accomplish a ripple in the sea and you my friend are rather good at it. I look forward to more stomping~

Carly, Ellipsis your pages are always beautiful, a delight for my mind to read and beautifully written. I still can't place a typing finger on why I don't comment more, but it's something about every entry that I lurk in, read and selfishly leave with your words.

Penny  Fresh Cup.. your comments on my journal always bring me such a smile. Best new journal Vivi award is most suiting, your a bright spot in this community!!!

Mary, Hunybea's Open Journal  your comments are always so warmingand your journal pages an inspiration to all who visit you. Always giving me thoughts for extra thoughts, and you know, I appreciate that!!

MaryAnne My feelings are real.. Your comments are always appreciated, insightful, and give me pause. Your entries are ALWAYS interesting, and just sort of suck you in, swirl you around in laughter, heartfelt thought, and ah ha moments. Your latest entry, had me wanting to crawl through the screen and give a big hug, lets be two-faced screwballs together!

Jessica, Jessica's thoughts & feelings hey there!Your journal is always a treat for me, your comments a precious gift. Keep up with your inspirational journal. I love the one line blurts that have a special way of making me stop and think when I receive the alert. Usually a couple right after one another. And then I find myself thinking "irony" for hours to come!

Chris, Inane thoughts and insane ramblings  what can I say here. I've adored your pages since I found them. I've admired your relationship and the way you think things through. Now, as soon as I can get out east, I'm coming for dinner!!!!!

Gem, Journally Yours  you bring me energy. I wish I could explain it, but your comments and journal, give me a shot in the arm, no matter what you've written. Something that I always enjoy and always relish. Another bright spot in the world of journals. Keep on keeping on.........

Lori,   Purple Snapdragons your perspective is divine and I always look forward to your comments! I thank you for gifting me with your thoughts and always love visiting your journal myself. Now, find a beautiful home to move into!!

Michelle,  (((Reflections))) what can I say here, I could go on and on..... I adore your comments, I adore your journal, I think your a strong woman with a honest voice in life. An honest voice is something I admire. Thank you and by the way, the pics in your journal have looked wonderful!

Ari, Reflections of Ari Ummmmmm your pinkolicious personality just radiates from your pages. From the first entry I read I was hook, line and sinker........caught like a fish. Your humor and wit blows me away, and yet, sometimes, you show this other side, especially at my journal and when you do, your wisdom lights up my pages just as your humor bonfires in yours.

Chuck  Separation anxiety your words are something that spur me to take a closer look at things in life. I always love a challenge of thought, a shuffle of perspective and a nudge of "think harder Rebecca" Wishing youlight from below.........

Stacy,Simple Escape one of my long time journal friends. Wishing you well and good times through the snow this winter! Although you may not write as much anymore, it's good to know you are still around and I'll wait patiently for your next updates!

Spencer  Spencer's Place your poetry is always from the heart and I respect your ability to show your experiences through the course of words. Your one of the first poets I read on journals, and will always remain one of my favorites.

Cynthia,  Sorting the pieces your pages, your comments. What can I say, that would do you justice. Your perspective and way with words are so honest, so thought provoking and well written that I find most of the time I just jump right inand absorb as much as I can. Your wisdom flows through our community and I look forward to every entry. Thank You.

Celeste, the dailies I've come to look forward to your comments. Can I nominate you for the Queen of one sentence comments that pack a wallop of meaning? I love a person who can convey as much as you do with finesse and wit like that! Can I steal from Ari here and say "You rock!" ?

SierraJazz, Tiny Drop Big Ocean  I've been watching your poetry take form and come alive on your pages. Thats right, I pay attention :o) Your comments always bring me a smile and I thank you, for giving me of your time and gift of words!!

Shaz, THE MEANING OF LIFE ..... Hmmmmm, can I say that your comments crack me up, make me smile and usually throw me for a good old loop! Your flair for words and life radiate off your comments andjournal. I'm so glad you have your picture on your pages, because honestly your exactly how my imagination had you dreamed up to be from your very first comment. Flair my dear, is a naturally beautiful thing not everyone has! Sorry I stood you up Sat. Night!!!

Flava,  The Life and Times of Flava I have your BOOK in my hot little hands. I've just started reading it and will provide my formal book recommendation as soon as I am done. I find myself in awe what you've accomplished and draw inspiration from your story. Your energy is glorious, keep that energy going..........

Bruce, the wizard of ahs your words have given me inspiration on more then one occasion. I've taken more advice then you could realize. I thank you for that. You have a strong voice, and it's nice to come across someone always willing to speak their mind and soul. Wishing you health my friend.

Tanya, Tanya's Expressions your journals are always fun. You got me thinking so much about Halloween spooky movies, I had to go out and rent of few of the classics!! Your poetry is always a treat, Hmmmmmmmm your entries are always fun! I neverknow what I'm going to be surprised with.

Jeff,  What the hell.. I love your current writing assignment. It's always a treat to see how you write about each new topic. You've got a writers talent for making even the most obscure topic interesting!! Good luck with your newest challenge, I'm with you on that one......I'm with you........

Renee, www.TimelessCalligraphyStudio  Your pages are such a delight to visit. Your photography and artwork, your writing and poetry. So much talent wrapped up into once single person. I look forward to every visit.

Dawn, Web Of Dreams your poetry is always a treasure for me to venture through. And then, you went and created a marvelous place foreveryone to share their poetry. Thank you for doing what you do. It is appreciated more then you may realize.

Amanda  HEY I'M COUNTRYYour such a sweet heart and I mean that in the most admirable way. Your picture just makes me smile, your stories touch me from the funny spots to the heartfelt places. Thank you, for being part of my journal experience.

Courtenay, DISCERNMENT Oh you. The person whom I created their own personal folder for. Containing 9 of your journals so I could try to keep up :o) Your community spirit shines through. Your thoughtful entries, and emails have always kept me in the loop and I thank you for that!!! Keep writing my friend, we all enjoy your words as often as you gift them!

B-Creativity--Bits and Pieces Your journal has always been of great interest to me. Your style, your clean cut words, beautiful artwork, idea's and creativity is so inspiring to me. I love your tidbits and gleam plenty of organization and creative idea's from your pages. Keep going and I can't wait until the day I get to purchase something published by you!

Tammy, Life, live it or miss out  your words effected me from the first time I read them. I admire who you are, I wish you the very best on your endeavorand KNOW you will make it happen. Thank you for extending your friendship beyond the borders, it's a treasure.

Judith HeartSong,  Judith HeartSong your light shines in my life. From the beautiful artwork hanging above my computer every day, to the beautiful words on your journal pages, to the inspiration you unselfishly grace every one of us daily. This community would not be the same without you. Thank you, for being you.

Jodi,  Looking Beyond the Cracked Window....one of the first journals I ever started reading. I have watched your writing progress with each new entry. Your poetry on Messages, is soenchanting, it's time the world knew about it. Your poetry reaches into my soul and stirs things around. This my dear friend is what I consider the most important part of writing, the ability to thread itself into other peoples minds. You accomplish that daily with your writing. Thank You, for extending yourfriendship beyond the borders, it's a treasure.

Judith,  Mirror, Mirror on the Wall what can I say. From your ghosting around my journal that drove me crazy until I tracked you down like a hunter with their prey in the sights of a gun, to discovering that you too had a journal that I instantly fell in love with, to your hitting my 10,000visitor, to extending our friendship that has turned into something I would have never dared dreamed possible. Onward to me hitting your 10,000th visitor. So much more in between, that I'll selfishly keep to myself. Thank you my friend. Thank You.


And to the many, many other journalers that have gifted me with their time, their thoughts, and their friendship. I dare say, I know I haven't mentioned everyone I should have and for that I blame space, and having a favorites list, and now all the latest blogs I've added over at bloglines. I have no doubt I've missed many people I shouldn't have........but as I figure it out, I promise, I'll do right by you!!!!

Plus, there is all the new journals I've discovered lately....like Chuck would say "Oy, I'm missing a lot of people here!!"

Thank You, everyone

Darn, I missed posting this monster of an entry by 4 minutes Mountain Time. Oh well, I tried..........all a person can do when time gets the better of you is

Knick Knacks

"Rebecca, what do you think you have a knack for?" asked a friend of mine.

       This above question was asked to me after I had just pegged my friend by telling her she had a knack for making me laugh, even in the times I had no desire to laugh.
Her question was followed by my own hollow silence. I froze when I realized the question was one of those direct assaults that would require verbal self appreciation.

       I tried an evasive maneuver and responded with, "I have a knack for thinking like a fish and thats why I can catch so many when no one else does." My friend busted me when she responded to my answer with "chicken shit, you can do better then that, give me another."

       My next try as I searched out the perfect answer to remove the cross hair of her mental shotgun from my forehead seemed much better, "I have a knack for writing." To which she said, "Thats much better, but I want to know a knack that you have on other people."

       Knick knack patty WHACK upside my temple of mental fortitude. I then tried a childlike behavior, and responded, "Well, what do you think I have a knack for?" This is one crafty friend, she didn't play the game. Nope, she insisted I TELL HER something I personally thought of myself.

       I went through a list. Knack for spinning a tasty tale via writing, and sometimes, I can even tell a verbal tale that keeps people interested. A knack for listening, I fished that one out to her, and she didn't disagree but keep pushing my buttons. Knack for taking the high road, that one scored me an agreement. A knack for being a good mediator, resulted in a murmured yep.

       But the woman kept on pushing and poking and prodding until finally I said, "I've given you a list, thats good enough my darling friend who's about to get pushed off a cliff."

       This is where she said her trump card. "Rebecca, I find it interesting you named all those things, because I do agree, but your still missing the one thing I think you have a knack for that I think people appreciate the most from you."

       I was left rubbing my neck and looking up to the ceiling for the answer. I thought I had covered most of my bases, the things I felt I did rather well. I looked to her for the answer again.

       She, the prying pushy kind of friend I adore said, " Rebecca, I think you have a knack for making people feel really comfortable and thats the one thing I've always loved about you."

       She let me chew it around in my mind for a while and I didn't ask questions. I don't even know what someone could respond with to such a statement. But it was also something I had never thought about, or distinguished about myself. A knack, is something we're good at right?

       So how many knacks can someone carry around with them? I could probably think of a few more, like my knack for cleaning the entire house in less then 20 minutes if a person calls me and says they are in neighborhood and headed over with a few minutes notice. A clean job that would normally take 2 hours I might add. I also possess the knack for procrastination. But thats a negative knack, so I'll ignore that one for tonight!

       So I'm curious, taking away all chicken knack's, and going straight for the inner knack's that shine in positive light, I pose this question tonight. Go for the golden one, the one that makes you squirm uncomfortably in your chair. I would like to know what kind of knack's everyone has.

       No need to be shy, no evasive tactics, we want details here in this community. Ok, ok, I'm just nosey and want the specifics, I'm good like that~

       What is your most glorious personal knack?

Then, take it a step further and ask someone who knows you well, what kind of knack they personally think your really good at. The difference in answers can make a person go "ahhhh haaa"

Tis good to go ahh haaa once in awhile.

Your Gift

It was indeed a wonderful break this weekend. I feel refreshed and prepared to take on the world,
~hear me roar ~
All right, maybe not roar, but hear me sigh with a fresh new perspective and will to keep my sword drawn, and my smile beaming.

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~~Most Well-Written Journal Vivi Award~~
Was my present upon returning this weekend.
Thank you, to all who voted for my journal corner, of this community.
Your comments and emails, were a wonderful greeting upon returning home.

I am awe struck and appreciative. It's surreal and dynamically humbling.

Thank You, to this community for your
support and inspiration.
It will be something I carry with me, till the end of my time.
You have given me a gift, that can never be boxed or forgotten.

Now, it's time for me to regain my journal composure and ease back into the flow of things.
It's also time I lasso my reality based world back into the corral and tone things down a bit. I believe this week is the perfect week to accomplish both.
Routine, can be a nice little fluffy pillow to lay your day to day on and this week, I'm holding my pillow nice and close.

Wishing everyone well and again, thank you for your inspiration.

 However big or small it may seem, it has made a difference in my life.  

    

A Closer ConFessional

To complicate is under estimating the concept of normalcy.
Decency is the product of isolation framed in cheery moments and hypocrisy induced mental wrecks.

I am all and nothing of such notions.

Omission is a pretty form of a liars web. I've omitted enough in my life to create a rather beautiful artistic impression of my portrayal to the outside entities I collide with. Omission is a brilliant form of avoidance and I'm finely skilled at not saying a single word, therefore, omitting that which is encased within.

Omissions is akin to blaming a muse being on vacation. Omission is the art of not expressing, foregoing voice and pretending all is bright in a world lacking a light bulb.

Created equation and resulting simple answer.
I'm in a black mood these days.
Omitting it, hasn't resolved a single thing.

A black mood of course, requires several contributing colliding factors. I've been able to add a check mark to all boxes provided. It will pass, this I never worry about. Complicated contributions that have no need to be detailed here, has gotten the better of my workings. This, happens. This, I am all right with. This, I am not worried about.

My aggravations are interesting enough. Room is given for reflection and preventative measures in the future. Besides, sometimes, a black mood can be the perfect drug to slow things to a crawl, in my world anyway.

I see it as being relative to the size of your tolerance.

This may come as a surprise based on some of my writings, but in my reality based world, I'm considered by most as an extremely even tempered, even toned moods, even keeled person of the bunch. 99.9% of the people in my world have never seen me cry, yell, rant or rave.

That is of course by design.

You set a precedence and falling below the level of normalcy can cause a ruckus among those who depend on you.

These pages, I get to show a different side. It also shows me how much I intentionally omit in my surroundings. Representation of different angles and slices of a personal entity. This is what writing does for me. In verbal words, it feels like a violation of my existence. In written words it feels like a release of core.

No one can have my aggravations. My blackness is mine to nurture and heal. My light is mine to shine abound. My representation is mine to convey. It's my way of keeping myself close at heart and mind and portrayal may be omissions, it may be careful representations, or perhaps, I am just as open as the next.

Just to be closer, is one step I'm always willing to make.

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Within my dark, I'm afraid, my words have become quiet,
my journal visiting has suffered, my commenting has fallen to a drop a day.
I hope, that no one, would feel as though I have deserted their journal.
I hope, that no one would take offense to my lack of written comments.
I am still reading, I am still absorbing, quietly and contentedly.
I seek, a temporary pardon from the people whom I selfishly and gratefully absorb inspiration from every day.

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Have a wonderful weekend everyone.
I will be hiding in the Mountains without all the conveniences of modern cell phones, Internet lines and even TV.
It should be a perfect weekend in solitude~

Booo

I received a postcard with this picture on it this morning, from the elusive El Musey.
On the back it says,
"Wish you were here, having a fabulous time, let me know when the coast is clear"




I was not amused. I'm following the post mark.
I've booked my flight and I'm off to retrieve me. First I'm going to lash her a bit for leaving at such an inopportune time. I will assure her the voting is over and the coast is clear.  Bask in some rays myself, then drag her happy butt back to Idaho and demand slavery type creativity.

Until I return, I wanted to wish everyone a Happy Halloween!!!

Posse on Broadway

  Since my creative muse has decided to embark on an unscheduled vacation, I must take measures into my own typing. That muse, what a picky, fickle temperamental slice to the makeup of my dynamics. I'm becoming rather irritated with my muse right now. If I find out she's basking in some exotic beach soaking up some sun or something ....^*&%(^)*...... I've decided to write her up, no pay and all benefits placed on administrative probation. Obviously EL Musey, didn't bother to notice it was vote week, the traitor.

       Since I'm left on my own, I am forced to ruminate off the material that's placed in my lap during day to day mundane. The best I can come up with right now, thats been floating around in my mind this evening is MUSIC.

       This has been on my mind for two distinct reasons.

For one, there has been an evil Lord of Barry Manilow stalking my pages. Now, usually I'm rather eclectic in my personal music tastes..........for example~

I have music from one end of the music sheets to the other. Pulling up my Media Player here on the laptop I see a broad range of music, from Alanis Morissette at the top <great for those times a female is irritated with the male species type music> to David Lanz <my muse claims this one> onward to Disturbed <angry music> down to Eminem < who knows moods> and even father down we have things like Fiona Apple, Kate Bush, John Mayer, Lifehouse, Colors, Marilyn Manson, Seanachie,Sir Mix Alot, Tori Amos, U2, and the list could go on and on and on  <NOTICE there is no Vegas Nights Barry Manilow on there, I'm not a member of his fan club like some people>

       The second reason music has been on my mind is because of my 13 year old teenie bopper. It seems, that along with the numerous other changes this morphing human is going through, music has become her most important accessory.

       I have always loved music, a connection, an inspiration, a feeling or emotion can be found with simple notes.  In my humble opinion, some of the most glorious poets are musicians/songwriters. A single song cantransport me to a place or a time, sometimes a good memory, sometimes a sad memory, and sometimes just a feeling that I cannot assign at all. Usually at my office, I'm packing my IPOD around being anti-social, enjoying my own little world without the distraction of office chatter.

       My daughters have always been subjected to my music, always on at the house, always ready for an impromptu dance from any of us. So it comes as no surprise that they are just as needy about their music as I am.

       Except, now, I feel like I'm being kicked off my Queen of the home stereo system, Dictator of the car stereo music and first choice music pedestal. Specifically the 13 going on 18 year old. She and I, are coming to a real live throw down about this entire music concept. We come home and she has gotten in the habit of rushing to the stereo and putting in her music. We get in the car and before I have the ignition turned on, she's flipped the radio station or slid in one of her CD's.

       Mutiny I tell ya, and I'd place money that she's paid off her little sister to swear allegiance to her music choices over mine from here on out. They, little woman, are ganging up on me and my obviously good music choices. No worries, I can take 'em.....

       Tonight I tried something. I was wicked. Driving along to a school dance, Shelby had already beat me to the music and I had a thought.

        A twisted little notion of fun actually. I turned the music, completely off. The silence was deafening, I smiled and looked at both wide eyed daughters with the slightly quivering lower lips and said, "So darlins, how was your day?"

       In unison, they whipped out a flippant "It was good Mom," And the 13 year old squeaked a horrified, "Mom, you just turned off my favorite song!"

       I smiled again, and said, "Oh, I didn't realize that Shelby, but how about we talk for a little bit instead of listening to music tonight" Add another wicked smile~~

       It was fun. I also realized playing that little trick elevated me to status of a clueless parent, because I should have realized how devastatingly important listening to that song was at that exact moment.

       Essentially, tonight, I became my dad, because he used to do that to me ALL the time when I was a teen. Being a parent can be loads of fun, you just have to pay attention to the little opportunities that present themselves.

       That should teach them to dominate the music choices!!!

But I did hear that Colin Firth has excellent music choices and appreciates a good stomp......

Random #2

Who would have thought............not I, said the person behind the screen.

       I am a deer caught in headlights, or the squirrel who keeps diving across the street just daring a car to hit them. A traffic jam of thoughts is not good timing, when one should be dazzling all the new visitors who have been coming by said Iris journal.

       Would it be overkill if I again, said Thank You to everyone? Ohh, ok, it is? Then I won't. Strike that sentence from the record. This is all about the honor system anyway, and let me say for the record, I appreciate the honor system.
      
        I think, because I have a 10 car pile up in my mind right now, the only thing left to do is random lighting style writing and see what happens. Scary, I know. But I'm laughing in the face of writing fear this evening, flexing my mind muscles and throwing caution to the wind. I can be tough like that. Are you convinced? Nope, neither am I~

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       People watching report: I was wrangled into a home party this last Friday.
Now, before you think I've found a source of fascination at a Tupperware party, I can assure you, this wasn't the normal in home party. This was woman only and included electronics and various other gadgets. Now normally, electric's and gadgets, I would assume fall into the male range of life. Nope, this was called "Essence of Romance" and well, I was in for a shocker or two, oh hell, my jaw was on the ground most of the evening.

All I'm going to say about this party, was that the most innocent looking woman, the shy, the hiding in the corner ones, seemed to be the ones who had the most knowledge of each and every single item displayed for our viewing and passing around pleasures. I was so blown away, at one point, by a certain set of pearls and a certain tiny little quiet woman and her detailed explanation of their, Ummm, delights, that I almost choked to death on some sort of finger food.

Note to self, in this type of environment, with this type of merchandise and drinks abound, leave all preconceived notions at the door. And that's all I'm going to say <admit> about that night.

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Comments report: A certain someone, a dark Lord or power crazed lunatic, I haven't decided yet, deposited blasphemy in my journal today. That's right, this person is still on a rampage and must be stopped. The large next to his name, must have effected certain rational thought process, or else it's all that Butter. A comment left, filled with Barry Manilow lyrics, the horrors in my own journal. I'm looking for vindication, if anyone has any dirt on this Lord of Evil, please email me asap. Stomp my friend, Stomp~ This could be your chance Sneakz! I'll pay a ransom. Whats going to happen if he earns the Title of Lord of the Blog? Have mercy on us all.......... thats a most loving stomp by the way ::Grin::

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Necessary Picture incorporation: The last time we checked in on the writer Rebecca, she had just devastated Tarzan with a despicable sub plot twist, leaving him unconscious on the ground and his gorgeous Jane walking away with another man. Since then another mastermind writer <Jodi> sent a picture that Rebecca's dying to incorporate into her enthralling tale. Details to follow, although a preview is in order.........

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Journal Names: In my quest of catching up with everyone's journal, I really started noticing and paying attention to the Titles everyone has assigned their corner of Internet space. I realized, I was reading the most amazing names for books that could be found. If your an author, looking for book title inspirations, and of course, don't mind plagiarism, the AOL community is a beautiful place to start.

On the line, I really paused, and stopped to read everyone's titles over the last two days and found myself scribbling notes of idea's for entirestories based on peoples journal names. Now, no worries, I'm not one to plagiarize, but if a book is ever published based off an inspiration I found from your journal name, I'll give credit where credit is due!
I need to do an entry based on this discovery of mine, you'll see what I'm referring too and I believe I could make a few of your laugh over my minds creative twist on your journal names :o) Take a look at all the Titles in your favorites list, some very creative minds went to work on these!

 I am curious, does everyone feel like their journal name represents themselves on the whole? Partially? Or not at all?

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Sweet it rolls and Time does toll: I can listen to the center of my hurt and understand the relevance of my lessons. I can look into the design and know it was not created alone. Violence and Smiles are just as important to my wisdom, as my need to hear my voice. Today, is good. Contemplation, is a glorious sedative.

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