> The best part of me is hidden here, lost in a corridor of suspended time. My own hypocrisy astounds me. My mind and ideals can think and travel one path, my reality and life lived another. Two distinct processes, running parallel. Drifting between the two, a shadow, parts of the whole. The two must cross someday. Why? Wholeness is what I seek, the two lines creating a whole. < Journal handwriten entry 11/29
The things I write about in my many journals, at home, online, etc., are not things I freely talk about in my "real" life. I've found I'm more a listener to people I am face to face with. I've always been a listener. As for my friends I have many and I do indeed have a character for each one of them to relate too. It's a fine art I've perfected to make those around me comfortable.
Lets face it, most people have no interest in discovering whats inside another person. I've found the majority of people are far more interested and find use in a friend who allows them the platform in which to stand on. The benefit for me? Whether they realize it or not, with simple questions and listening I dig down inside them and discover whats there to be found. Character study at it's finest! Because truly one of the most intriguing things I find in this world I live is people.
Now, on the flip side, those who have made a half attempted try to pry into my mind find a door rather solid and locked. Sometimes I think my mind is like a Pandora's box and only the privileged and someone smarter then I will find a way in.
This has been a common complaint from the men in my life. I am not married, haven't been for many years. For the longest time people would ask me if I would get married again. My pat answer was "Been there done that, no thanks." But just this summer after giving my pat answer a man looked me in the eye and said, "You say that now only because you haven't met the right person." Now thats been haunting me for a while and I believe he was right, it's something I reflect upon from time to time.
There is a downfall, a pitfall if you may, of doing this sort of morphing to fitthe mold of so many others.I like peace, I like calm, I like people to be comfortable. I like things to be perfect for others. The price I pay? Loneliness. I have to find a balance between my privacy and yearning for human connection. Another price, being confronted with all these multiple personalities and trying to piece which ones are "real" and which one's are one dimensional.
4 comments:
speechless....
-Jazz
Wonderful entry! I too am a "listener." I like it that way. I love learning about other people and genuinely care about their experiences and their life stories. Of course, every once in awhile I have a "but what about me?" moment. But it quickly passes. :-) As Voltaire once wrote, "The way to the heart is through the ear."
Best to you, Eileen
Very well stated....I too delve deeper into another person's persona yet I tend to keep my inner feelings in reserve. I just have to ask are you an Aquarius? I know it's old hat to ask for people's signs but alot of what you say is very descriptive of an Aquarian nature......Sand http://journals.aol.com/sdoscher458/IJustHadToLaugh
We are a work in progress...your peice demonstrates how you are recognizing that and coping with it. When we have been hurt, we cringe at the next instance that could cause pain. When we have been hurt repeatedly, we build walls (frequently with no doors, or cleverly concealed ones), thick and high, thinking we will be safe behind them. Alas, like the Trojans, there will always be some devious type bent on circumventing our defenses...only for the purpose of proving they can, all too often. The answer lies in not retreating, but going forward, not avoiding love but embracing it. It scares away the "Greeks bearing gifts" like no other strategy, because they are not prepared for honesty and the real loser otherwise is you, when that "real" person happens by, but sees a forbidding fortress and does not want to add to the fear that raised the walls in the first place. A conundrum, you say? Yes, and no; love is fearless, for there is nithing to fear that love cannot conquer.
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