Paramour

Illusion (n) False appearance: false belief

Internet, a silent world, a place you can transform, nameless and faceless with little to no consequences. A place you can open up, let the inner silent person emerge. There's an amazing bravado that comes from within when you can simply type, evaluate your words, spell check, delete, rethink before you hit that send button. A person can reinvent themselves in this world, be their ideal and there's no one around to question it. You have to accept things on typed value. Assumptions can be made and stand uncorrected.

From experience I know you can discover someone in a way they never thought someone could. It's easy to pass the time chatting in IM's, private chat rooms, discussing things that feel deep, private, unexplored territory. You can ask those unbelievably personal questions without fear, without hesitation and wait for an answer on the otherside of the screen.

 The interesting thing is had you been sitting in a room, face to face, without the safety of a computer screen in front of you, could you? would you? Really discuss those same things? On some level you could, but it is really difficult to dive as deep as you could on a computer. There's facial reactions, eye's shifting from uncomfortable statements, body language, all that would give you pause before speaking. Especially between a man and a woman. Us women and our tendency to over analyze, over interpret, investigate, and scrutinize. It can be brutal trying to pry things from a mans mind when he's looking over your shoulder at the football game on TV, or wishing he could be anywhere other then sitting there with you trying to figure out what's on your mind. Put that same man in front of a computer and it's a glorious thing and way to dig in deep and pull all sorts of emotions and feelings from his mind. 

 In the silent world of Internet you can continue typing without interruption of thought, if someone types over you, you simply continue with your line of thought, hit send, then go back and see what that person typed. I've often thought that marriage counselors should put a man and a woman in two separate rooms, give them a private chat room and letthem have at it. No room for screaming, arguing, no roll of the eye's and arms folded over the chest sighs of exasperation. Just honest true to the minds thoughts.

The computer almost evens out the playing field. If one person is much better at verbal banter and the other person is better at slow well thought feelings a computer can even that out. If you start a relationship with someone based in this silent world, you can know this person from their ends of their toes to the top of their head. You can feel an unbelievable connection with this person because you've never had the opportunity to know someone as deep as this.

You can even carry this relationship over to the phone and although now there is a voice in play, you still are sitting behind the safety of another device. If you do carry over to phone, invariably your topics will shift to a lighter tone, laughter will ensue, you'll talk of memories <they are a safe zone topic> and day to day. Easy banter that will put a smile on your face far after you've hung up the phone. It's a glorious feeling knowing someone out there cares so much, knows you so well, has taken the time to "get to know" the "real" you.

There is a reason why I choose to write about this, because I'm afraid to many people don't understand or realize the downside to this sort of relationship. There is a transition from the "fantasy" into reality. I went through it twice. Once with deflating deep disappointment and once with, although a eye opening hard transition, but successful.

The first time I was convinced I loved this person. He was inside me my mind and heart and we finally made the decision to meet. My elation and excitement was unbearable. Upon laying eye's on him in that eatery I felt disappointed, his pictures didn't really show the true him. Face shots can be deceiving. He wasn't as tall as he had given me the impression, rough around the edges, someone unlike I had dated, but I was certainly willing to look past a few of those things, attractiveness to your other is only one link in a relationship.

 Sitting eating with him only led to so many more disappointments. Talking was strained, it wasn't deep and beautiful. There wasn't a "spark" or flutter of butterflies in my stomach. Unless you want to speak of the nervousness or mind banter going on inside of me. I knew instantly this wasn't the person I thought I knew so well. Walking me to my car he popped in a chew <how he failed to mention this little habit is beyond me> , smiled with those little black things floating on his teeth and he swooped in for a kiss. I could have fainted away, and I'm not talking Scarlett O'hara swooning, I'm talking the kiss of death.

 I drove awaysick, disenchanted and devastated. This was my computer man in shining armor, why hadn't I seen that happening? coming? How could this be? How can you spend almost a year knowing someone one way and then in the true light of day see someone so completely opposite? Could I be so easily deceived?  

I swore I wouldn't do that again, but it happened, only this time I was on guard, I was vigilant about pressing for the little things. After yet another long computer courtship I once again felt those heart string pulls of love. This time when I met this man I was ready, ready for sprinting to the nearest exit, ready for disappointment, but with a smile on my face I gave love another try.

 When we met it was awkward. Again, pictures don't really tell a thousand words. He was different looking then I thought, but again, that's just a link and thankfully it was all good. We were both so nervous, excited, or maybe I'm just typing from my side. I was so nervous and excited.  but I was able to eventually found a calm zone. Honestly, it was like starting all over again in a brand new relationship. We had to learn how to sit with one another, talk in person, ask questions. It was like a very first date with someone you didn't know, except an undertone of understanding. Butterflies are a wonderful thing.

 We were both patient and realized from the start we needed to somewhat start over. There wasn't these amazing long inspirational talks like we had on the computer, it was just a man and a woman getting to know each other with alittle something special on the side. Thankfully we continued and I fell in love again in a whole new dimension.Those years with him were wonderful beyond words. Distance and families that couldn't be moved was the ultimate ending to our relationship, at least thats the reason I gave myself to justify my choice. Now through time, I must live with the choice I made. A wrong turn. An assumption that can't be taken back. Coward I was. Extravegant loss of love. Lessons learned................

 It takes courage to stand in front of someone, to look them in the eye's and have a conversation. The easiness of the computer is an amazing thing, an outlet for those of us who struggle with opening ourselves up, putting our heart out there in harms way. I've learned how to separate the two worlds, I think through experience, learned the difference between the two. If you can make it through the transition phase you certainly have a shot. But you must set aside expectations, preconceived notions and start over in person.

 Tis a cruel world that would let you reach the top of the mountain, let you plant your hearts flag, then knock you back down the hill to start over on another mountain. The wonderful side to this is if you can make that successful transition, you've laid a wonderful foundation that is wide and reliable. Congrats to all those who have made this successful transition and married their soul mate!!!
Just me.........rambling on and on..........