Friday, December 31, 2004

Judith Heartsong Award

                                                              

What a wonderful way to tie 2004 off with a nice little extra touch of something pretty special!! I have been so excited all day to have been tapped on the shoulder like this. Thank you so much Judi for opening up your thoughts in your journal, displaying your beautiful artwork to all of our delight and to top it off, allow all of us to share our own memories and thoughts in your forum. Thank you judges whoever you may be!! I really appreciate all of it.I hope everyone takes a moment to go visit Judi's journal, you will be delighted! Judith HeartSong

Thank you to everyone who left such wonderful, encouraging comments before and after. Appreciation is something pretty special in this world and I appreciate everyone who visits this little corner of my Internet world.

Happy New Year Everyone. I hope it is special and you can celebrate this coming New Year with someone special enough to be by your side. Just think, a whole new year, a new clock, new chances, new opportunities.................

I am off to celebrate this passage of time with a rowdy group of Scottish bagpipers. At the stroke of midnight they will be playing, loud and clear. It's an amazing sight, with everyone in the neighborhood holding candles, the bagpipers and drummers playing in full uniform. But most importantly will be my Mother, a bagpiper, suiting up for the first time since her surgery, playing, even if only briefly!!  I get dreamy just thinking of it now.............Take Care Everyone

                                        

Thursday, December 30, 2004

Vanilla

Main Entry: bor·rowed time
Function:
noun
Date:
1898
:
an uncertain and usually uncontrolled postponement of something inevitable; used with living on
  

              

Someone sent me a beautiful emailed Christmas card with the song Only Time by Enya for Christmas. (Thank you Brian) It was most beautiful and I couldn't help but listen to the song over and over  AOL Music Enya 'Only Time' and with the simplest gesture, my mind began to wander through it's concept of time...........
         The element of time. Time, tick tocking  at me, sometimes softly, sometimes so loud I can't stand it another minute. Ticking clocks and moments slipping away, day after day. Decisions postponed for another day, another time, another moment.  The mind game one plays......next week will be a better time...........
         The element of time. Time tick tocking at me, giving more chances, more openings, more moments to express and explore. Ticking clocks, my reminder that not all is broken, not all is lost, for time is ticking on my side. I have as much as I can take. Nine years, three months,  next month, next week, tomorrow, tonight, right now. The outcome however will only be revealed in time..........
         Time is a luxury that can be treasured in the moment, time can be endless, or stolen away without regard. Who can say how much time you'll have, how many chances you'll be given. Herein lies my gray. I have accepted what I find mundane. It is real, it is what we all have been given amble amounts of. It's the desire for the golden on the horizon I covet. Yet, time is tick tocking.
         Give and take, push and pull, like the tides of the ocean. A roulette I play within my boundaries, out on the horizon, in my mind, against the clock, speeding past the numbers on the wall. Time given more pull then dreams, mundane suffocating the extraordinary. Responsibility and dependability weighted heavily against the hourglass of time. Am I part of the destruction or the formative solution.
         Of course perplexing as this may sound, I will not lie, but admit in this department I hide behind finely constructed words. I will admit this once, if stripped away, it comes to down to the broken simplicity of love. Complex and beautiful. I know I leave that word and it's likelihood outside of my public journal pages, for it's complexities in my world are something I even fear exploring. It is too painful and self destructive to look to the past and see it was my choices that have lead me to where I am. My extravagant ignorance, a blessed curse.
          But within that choice I am learning, continue to learn and continue to feel a bravado about who and where I have come from. I take comfort in knowing the right time will come, the moment will be there for the taking. But first I must shed myself of the weights that hold my clocks hands to the ground. Only time will show me which path I must proceed, which path is the right decision.
         Time to a child is spelled L. O. V. E.  Time to an adult is spelled??? This is the riddle I walk into 2005 with.
         Maybe it's the fear of change, that makes a person continue to abuse time. Fear can hold a person hostage in a manner that renders you helpless to make any move. Fear of starting a new career. Fear of trying the impossible. Fear of hurting another. Fear of rejection, fear of responsibility. Fear of failure.
          Abuse of time. This is what I am a guilty party of. It took all this typing to come up with a simple reasoning. Abuse of time= fear from oneself and the result of personal choices. Rendering a solution will be a tough mountain to climb for myself personally. I see many paths to choose from. The one I teeter along now, the one that takes me to a river, the one that takes me to the horizon, the one that renders me solitary. A fine balance with repercussions in every direction.
         Will time give way to loss of paths. Will time provide the answers I seek. Will time stand beside me or travel along without me. Will I be happy with the timeline I create, when I am old and wise and can say  "This is where I have been."

        Is it truly the old saying, Time is a terrible thing to waste. Or is time given to find your footing along the bottom. When is it time to face the inevitable you see staring right at you in the face, of time of course......... 

 Mini-vacations really do provide to much quiet time to think, when reality is two steps away from you....................

The Lovely Bones

                                                                     Alice Sebold

Thank you Jbenjack  Moments in My Life  for this book recommendation. I LOVED IT. Couldn't put it down. It's written in a first person perspective, a teenage girl, speaking from heaven, watching the world below and how her family and friends are effected by her murder.

Character is strong, discription beautiful, and this book flows along like a river, steady and smooth with just the right amount of drop off moments. The first person form of writing makes you feel like your standing next to Susie Salmon throughout all the events she is feeling, seeing, thinking about.  

Without speaking spoilers, I was a bit let down with the lack of "final" resolution at the end. As anyone crusading for the main character, I would have liked a bit more of a SPLAT on the Harvey character. But I closed the last page with a feeling of accomplishment, final breath of wow..........and thats how every book should make a person feel. Like they just stepped off a rollar coaster, flushed and happy, a mix of bewilderment and fascination. Thank you again Jbenjack!! I'm off to purchase your other book recommendation!

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Mini-Break Concludes

 

                                  

 

Ahh the power of a mini-vacation. I feel refreshed and ready to take on whatever 2005 wants to bring my way. Oregon was of course beautiful, white, calm and welcoming. The girls enjoyed the snow until their skin was a blazing red cold. I even took 2 naps! That makes for about a total of 3 naps for the year of 2004. The other one I was sick, so technically that shouldn't count right? These naps were purely intentional, not needed and dream laden, loved them.
       Confessions of an insomniac, night owl, person who loves sleep yet, rarely makes the time for anything more then the bare minimum requirement. There's just too much to do, too sleep in my world. Reading, writing, cleaning house, sketching, creating, crafting, great DVD to watch, you name it, I'd rather be doing it then sleep.
       Christmas was wonderful of course. The tree was surrounded by all the Christmas presents I had collected during my procrastinated shopping moments. Both the girls received exactly what they needed, with a few surprises hidden around. They were thrilled with the haul. I received several wonderful gifts from everyone. 'Twas a good day. For those who may have been wondering, my Father's gift to me this year was a book called.......I Fish; Therefore, I am and other observations. By Patrick F. McManus. It was a good reader for the mini-vacation. A side note.....my darling 9 year old received a compound bow for X-mas, hows that for irony!!
       I'm not sure if the true Christmas spirit bug ever actually took a chunk outta me, but I think I got a few mosquito bite size doses of it. It was late Christmas afternoon after the hooray and hoopla had settled down that it was decided to go hide in Oregon for a bit. The girls didn't seem to mind a quick adventure as long as the "haul" was loaded up for the ride too.
       Spontaneous missions is what I like to call them. Spur of the moment, unplanned, unorganized, wait andsee what happens kind of moods I fall into. I think the best, or worst depending on how you look at it, spontaneous mission I've ever done was tossing the kiddoes in the truck much like I did this last weekend and heading for the coast for what I thought would be a weekend two summers ago. The weekend turned into a week, and then since my mind just wasn't ready for reality, I extended it for another week, and then just told the homefront I'd be back at the end of the month, or if the money ran out. Which ever came first!
       Gypsy style exploring the three of us. We explored beaches, forests, every corny tourist site to be found. I spent days on my little beach chair watching the girls play in the surf. Glorious. Sometimes we stayed in hotels, then I stopped and bought sleeping bags, tent, etc., and stayed in some of the National Forest campgrounds. We loved every minute of it. (Yes, I am self employed and have the ability to do this sort of thing) 
       This last summer in August, one of my vacations was organized and planned. A rented home on Catalina Island for a week. It was interesting, but very secluded and almost confining. We went there with family and that part was wonderful, it was the packaged, This is what your doing today, that confined me a bit too much. Anyway.........just rambling about getting away and breathing sometimes..........
       I've continued to reflect on my 2004 and believe I've come very close to recognizing all my accomplishments, lessons, reasons, failures, why's and why not's. I'm ready for 2005 and all it has to offer me and on the same token, all I have to offer it. Give and take, push and pull, explore and examine, honor and respect. Thats what it's  about, in this beautiful thing we call life. 

Monday, December 27, 2004

Impromptu Vacation

       Just a quick update for today. As any person suffering from Holiday suffocation, I did the only sane thing I could. I tossed the clothes and as many Christmas gifts I could fit into the Tahoe sometime after midnight on Christmas Day. Slept till 5 in the morning, tossed the sleeping kids in the car and drove to Oregon for an impromptu vacation. We're staying with family here by the Deschutes River and it's been GLORIOUS. It snowed all day yesterday, a make up for no snow in Idaho on Christmas.
       I feel nice and relaxed now and honestly don't know when I'll feel like heading home. Maybe tomorrow, maybe this coming weekend. I think the only thing I am missing right now is my computer time since their computer is in their bedroom. My late night is handwriting and reading for now. My mailbox is chucked full of new entries and comments I can't wait to get to, but for now, I'll just use a bit of my stolen time to say, I'm on mini-vacation.............but will lurk around when possible :o)

Thursday, December 23, 2004

Merry Christmas

It's done...........Ahhhhhh goes Rebecca's last breath of Christmas duty. Everything is purchased, wrapped, decorated, cleaned.  I've yet to place a reason for my procrastination this year. But I do regret it.
        I usually follow the Womenfolk tradition, day after Thanksgiving shopping, which I did this year, and then by the following weekend I usually have these items done. All shopping done, tree up, house decorated and all presents fully wrapped and hidden strategically throughout the homestead. Then I can kick back, bake cookies with the girls, attend Christmas parties, etc., etc., enjoy the spirit kind of time.
       This year it was a struggle for me all the way around. It wasn't a Scrooge bug or anything drastic for my reasons. I don't know if it's been the bit of extra I've placed on my shoulders to uphold my household and my Parents. Bless my Father, he's amazing in the outdoors, this includes an amazing backyard, front yard, perfectly trimmed tree's, koi ponds etc..........but inside the house, well he falls into the stereotypical male, helpless.
       For those of you who follow my journal my Mother is doing good in the scope of someone battling breast cancer treatment. She's really looking forward to the middle of Jan. when she can stop doing these treatments every single day. I spent 5 hours over at her home today cleaning it from top to bottom. She really wanted to still have her annual Christmas Eve party and I know her, if I didn't get my butt over there she would have scrubbed an already spotless 3000 sq. foot home.
       She ended up laughing at me today because everytime I would finish a room I would look to her for a further inspection, approval. After the 4th room she looked at me and said "You know Rebecca, your not 11 anymore, I trust your doing a great job!" Good point :o)
       I was contemplating it today, this Christmas disinterest this year. I've yet to put a finger on it's reasoning and I'm hoping by tomorrow I'll be washed in those wonderful feelings I associate with Christmas. Maybe I disillusioned myself early on. I thought this Christmas would be so much more special this year in the face of all my family has dealt with this fall. A death by cancer. Two wonderful woman battling breast cancer. I thought it would place a more profound meaning this year, a higher level of spirit maybe? Maybe the emotional stress of it swiped my cheery feelings without my even realizing it. Perhaps the magic is just lurking around waiting for me to see it.
       I do feel better now, tonight, the night before Christmas Eve. Better late then never? I hope so! My fingers just felt the need to type about it a bit I guess. See if an answer emerged to my minds pondering.
      
       I do wish to send the very best of this holiday season to those here in Journal Land. I've only been around for a few months, but already have found a warm welcome of my thoughts and a special connection with other journalers. The mind is a wonderful thing to explore and each day we all are privy to something unique and extraordinary. I'm thankful for this medium and the chance to share what I have to offer from inside.

Merry Christmas
Be Safe and Treasure the Magic of the Season

 

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

The Gift Behind The Legacy

For the December Artsy Essay Thank you Judith! December's Artsy Essay

 

I can hand you a beginning, I can explain the middle, but the end is not for me to share, for that will be a story told by another.........

The Beginning.............There is but always, two sides to a story..........

My Fathers Story
: He was innocently fishing, standing a few feet out in the water of a river when my Mother, grandmother, and a few various Aunts sat down behind him much too close of course, with new infant in tow. Oblivious to him (and for the life of him he couldn't understand why they would pick that spot), we were within striking distance of a flying spinner and by some stroke of bad luck a treble hook planted itself firmly into the side of my cheek. So much for the beauty of 2 week old skin.

    Instantly he heard the shrieks of woman and the crying of an infant. Horrified as any Father would be, he swooped in, gently bent the barbs back and slid the hook out. Meanwhile, of course, being in the trusted hands of her father, I stopped crying and took my first "hooking" of a fishing hook like any fisherman would, calmly. Just as the dramatics of the hooking calmed my Mother again began to shriek, screaming rants and raves of a woman gone mad. It seems a tick had made it's home sneakily behind my ear. Again, in the face of crazy women, he calmly removed my first tick and again I took it like any person of outdoors birthright, calmly.  


   
My Mothers Version
: The womenfolk spread their blankets out in a pretty little spot next to the river. The men were all out fishing, my father included, was some 5 yards down from us. My Mothers ever present watchful eye noticed my Father inching his way towards their safehaven and called out to him several times to not get so close. In one of those defining moments when she had glanced away, he had again moved closer and without warning flung his spinner viciously back impaling my innocent sleeping face and mercilessly tried to cast his infant daughter into the river.

    Upon realizing he didn't have a huge fish on the line, but that of his 2 week old daughter, he casually meandered over to the horrified woman. My mother promptly told him he need to cut off the barbs and remove the offending hooks. With his large, cumbersome hands he yanked, pulled, twisted, all the while I am screaming bloody murder, my mother is bawling and the other woman are screaming at their husbands to come help. Once my Father gave one final vicious yank the offending hook was removed and my Mother briskly removed me from his hands and tucked me tight in her arms.

   This is when she saw the offending tick and in her words "Almost killed your father for making me take a 2 week old baby camping."  Now if your still following this story, you'll have to understand these were the days when removing a tick was a simple task of lighting a match, blowing it out, quickly placing the burning stick on the ticks backside, which in turn scares the tick so badly it backs out of the skin and poof, cured.

   My mother swears he hardly took the time to aim and burned a small hole the size of a canyon in my precious skin. She insists that by now I'm sobbing so hard I'm turning blue, she didn't think I would live through all the trauma.  Divorce was now a pending threat. Again my father tried to burn the little tick, and with the help of several hands holding me still, he was able to burn and yank the tick out. I lived to tell the story............


The middle...............The Gift Behind The Legacy

   I imagine some may wonder why this would be a gift to anyone. But I look at it as but a beginning, the beginning of what I was to become, my legacy, a gift from Father to Daughter. 
       
           It was my father and his passion for the outdoors that kept me outside rather then in, all the years I was growing up. He never left me home, but took me on every fishing, hunting, camping trip he engaged in.

            There I would be standing, a wisp of a girl circled by all the men, holding my own fishing pole, or my own BB gun, a tiny little buck knife slipped in my pocket. My father never left me out. I was an eager student. If I ever complained I couldn't, he would always look me in the eye's and say "Yes, you can, I know you can, your my daughter." That was all the inspiration I ever needed, his belief. 
      
        My father is a simple man. His philosophy cannot be elevated to that of a poet. He speaks in simplicity. When I asked why the sky was blue, he simply said, "Why question something as pretty as blue." When I asked why I wasn't catching a fish, he would say "Your not thinking like a fish." If I asked how come I had to be so quiet in the woods he would say, "Because if your making noise you can't hear." Simple answers for simple questions. 
      
         But with those simple answers I was learning. I learned how to "think like a fish." My father would always walk up to a river and rather then just cast in, he would kneel down, cock his head to the side and listen. He would watch the water, looking for the most tiny of riffle. He calls it his routine, I now see it as his wisdom. 
      
         I would be there, knelt down beside him, watching and learning. A river is a symphony within itself, the sounds, the movement. Without his guidance, I'm not sure I would ever know the orchestra that is played within it's banks. If you are in tune with the sounds, you can hear the tiniest sound of a fish rolling the top of the water, or slurping a tiny little fly off the surface. You can hear where the rocks are hidden beneath the water, or the slow silence of a sand bar. 
      
       My Father taught me how to walk through the woods without snapping the twigs that lie beneath my feet. I can maneuver through the forest without a trace, without a sound. I am never afraid to be alone there be it light or dark. My father felt everyone who meandered through his Mother nature needed to be taught appreciation and admiration. It was a "earned right" he said, "never to be taken for granted." That is his wisdom, his poetry.

           He also showed me how to honor life, nature, my surroundings. He would never take the life of one of Mother Natures creatures unless given by her. We have an appreciation, a give and take understanding.  It's an honor I hold dear to my heart and I owe that to my Father.    

       Each Christmas I would be excited to see what special gift came just from my Father. It would never be wrapped as neatly as the ones my Mother did, it would have a small card with it and it would always be something to do with the outdoors. I think the best one was when I was 5 years old. My first BB gun, Daisy Red Ridder. It was truly very similar to the movie "The Christmas Story." My father had purchased it without my Mothers permission. It was hidden towards the back. And upon opening it the first words out of my Mothers mouth were the old adiu......"She'll shoot her eye out!" I never shot my eye out, but certainly had a few ricochets that came close. Of course thats my little secret.

      One year I received my very own buck knife, with my initials engraved. I think the only time I ever went wrong with a present was my first bow and arrow set. My father gave me specific instructions. Aim only at the target on the bale of hay. No problem I said < I was about 9> The day after Christmas I was all set up for my first rounds of shooting. My father gave lessons & instructions and retreated back into the house.

        A cynical little neighbor boy came over to worship my new prize, but in his true nature started to ridicule my gift. He claimed "It wasn't powerful enough to hurt a log." He also teased it probably couldn't be shot any higher then 20 feet. To show my fathers gift was but of the highest quality I pointed it to the sky and whoooosshhhh it was off like a rocket. Upon not seeing it's direction any more we both scattered to the nearest porch for fear of being impaled. Seconds clicked into minutes and we were still unsure where the arrow had gone.

       It was when I saw the biggest, meanest, neighbor headed into our pasture with my arrow in his hand I knew I was dead. Toast.  Annihilated. A goner with a capitol G. It seems my arrow landed just inches in the dirt away from his horse. Of course, with any truly sinful break of rules, he was there to witness it. I sat on the porch swing, bow in hand, awaiting my fate. My father didn't kill me as I expected, I even somehow avoided a full spanking, but my bow, my precious new bow was murdered right before my eye's. Splintered, broke in half. My father simply said if I couldn't follow rules, and put people in danger, I wouldn't have the privilege of ever owning a weapon. Grounded from fishing pole, BB gun, buck knife, everything for 6 months......ohh the torture. I have never touched a bow since, nor have I bent the "rules" even slightly.

         My Father gave me a gift no one can ever demean, steal, harm, or destroy. My gift is here, inside me. In the face of diversity, I simply walk outside to be comforted. My gift never turns it's back on me, but holds open her arms and heart. I can see a Mountain and revel in it's glory, I can hear a river and hear the words it speaks, I can see an elk and marvel at it's magnificent power. Nothing is ever taken for granted.

       Friendships can come and go. Love is beautiful and treasured, but I've found sometimes the strings that are attached can sometimes become twisted and tangled even with the best intentions. My gift is something burned into my heart and soul, something to be next to me until my ashes are floating down my favorite river. My gift is an identity I carry proudly and owe entirely to a man who didn't see a little girl, but saw a daughter who wanted to be taught, who wanted to listen, who wanted to understand all the wonders he knew about. For this I thank him a million times over. For my gift is treasured beyond words themselves can express........This is my gift, the gift behind my legacy............

The End is not for me to tell, but  will be decided and told around campfires in the future far from now....................

Monday, December 20, 2004

Memory Envelopes

Sometimes you just need to reboot and start over.
Bowing to the AOL Gods.........please be kind this time.............



       I thought about a project I've been doing for sometime and the few people I've told in my "reality" scope of life have all thought it was a wonderful idea. I know it's inspired many to start their own version of this, so I thought I might share it with the other Mothers that are out there whom might run across my journal.
       I tend to think that if you are a journal writer, there is always an air of nostalgia hanging over our souls, a thought to be remembered, an idea, a conversation, that we just aren't willing to forget. Yet, as a young Mother I found myself forgetting some of the things, details, that seemed so important at the time. Little notes written to my daughters, pictures taken, art work, all the way up to report cards and such. If you are anything like me, I found myself with boxes full of sentimental value. Then I started thinking of what I could do to organize all this "stuff." Including moments, conversations etc.......
       This is when I started my envelopes of memories. You see, I'm awful at unified, organized thoughts. (Hence the appeal of this online journal stuff) I wish I could have just kept simple time lined journals for both my girls, but found this to be, well, simply not something I kept up with!
Here are some of the things that go into my memory envelopes <ideas>
1) Always get double prints of pics....one set me, one set to be put into envelopes for the girls
2) I've had the girls for years now write letters to the future self <I never read these, privacy is theirs>  But I like to think someday when they read them they will get a huge kick out of their "younger self"
3) All those little scraps of paper, notes, interesting doodles, etc.......all in an envelope, sometimes with a note from me explaining them, sometimes no explaining needed.
4) Anytime I hear one of those "out of the mouth of babes comments" from one of my girls I write it down and into a memory envelope it goes
5) Any odd and end I think would give them smiles someday, i.e. 2 dollar bill, old coin, feather, pressed flower, some of their broken jewelry, or mine
6) School pics and report cards.......
7) Every birthday I write them a letter, telling them what I think of who they are becoming, how much I love them etc...........
8) Changes in our lives, things they may not understand now, but someday might want a better explanation, these letters from me
9) Let the mind wander, you never know what your child might appreciate in the future
       I think the most important part of these memory envelopes are details. The tiny little details you wish yourself, you could remember about your childhood. Or creating a special little treasure chest of idea's, memories, keepsakes, trinkets, anything your hearts desire!
       At press time I have literately HUNDREDS of these letters. I had to buy a small trunk about a year ago to fit them all in. But I envision someday, and I haven't decided when, I will present each of them a trunk, with hundreds of memories they will have long forgotten about. I can only imagine how utterly captivated and thrilled I would have been if I had been given such a gift as this. 
       It's such an inexpensive easy way to capture memories. It hardly takes any time to do and I'm hoping it will be one of my daughters most treasured gift from me someday.

As always........just a thought and  today an idea..........

Another AOL cruel trick

Wow I'm incrediably ticked right now. Another entire entry POOF GONE. So much for doing everything in text file. Ok, can I do this again....................breathe.........Dam^*&% you #$ AOL%*(0)%$* If I need rebooted at least give me the courtesy of SAVING before you do this courtesy  for me!!!!!! I'm  just so certain my entry was pultzer prize winning stuff......gone poof sucking in the bowels of aol world. >kidding and a smile<

Ok I give, that entry will have to be for another day, no energy for it now. What to type.......what to type.......

And the mother said to her daughter, this too shall pass. Anger is defining in a moment where you may either errupt from within the heart, or level out from the mind.

This of course shall pertain to such things as 1) holiday shoppers who use their shopping carts like modern day Gladitors. Ohh and we can't forget about 2)  road raging crazies who think the black path before them is there own personal Nascar field. Now in moments like this kind of rant I would be unfair not to also give nod  3) to those out there who assume that a line is mearly for decoration  rather then taking your turn. Now not to leave anyone out of my shopping frustrations I must also give nod to the 4) unpleasant cashiers who find it most inconvient that we are cluttering up their station with things to purchase. I don't want to be there any more then you do!

Ohhh life. It's funny how one thing making you upset can release all sorts of other tension building feelings. Look what you did AOL, I went from a nice soul searching entry to a complaining, whining, fit throwing rant. Ahhh tis good to be human!

Must try later............this is terrible LOL  <nodding graciously out the door>

ATONEMENT

Just when whining and such feels kinda good, you always will receive a bit of a reality check. Just as I posted this entry I went over to visit Jodis journal Looking Beyond the Cracked Window.....         and received just the kind of perspective I needed. She was in a wreck today with her children in her car! They seem to be all alright, which is one of those Christmas miracles lurking around. I on the other hand am humbly atoned.......................

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Chiropractor Wisdom

  Each Monday I look forward to my weekly dose of wisdom from a reader board outside a Chiropractors office near my office. I imagine a  magical fairy changes it's words before I arrive for work each Monday, always without fail. Then every day throughout the week I read it's wisdom as I drive by. Sometimes it's completely off the wall. Sometimes it's a splash of comedy. Sometimes it's thought provoking.
  
  I thought this would be a great weekly entry. I'd love to hear what people think of these idea's quotes, messages, billboard style.

       I have figured out that about every 6th week, a rerun message comes across the board. It always reads "A week without an adjustment makes the body weak." At first I was a bit disappointed when I saw this same message spring up from time to time. But then again, I smiled and decided by all means, 5 weeks of thought provoking messages can be commercialized once in a while with a self serving subtle hint.
 
     With that being said. Here's the quote of the week.
 

"Jumping to conclusions often results in an unhappy landing"


How often have we found we jumped to the wrong conclusion only to find mud on our faces, humble apologies and sometimes a bruise on our own conscious. 
      

One of my worst jumping to conclusions happened on Christmas Eve. a few years back. It's tradition for us to eat Chinese food as a big family that night, following a rather large caravan to my parents house for a wonderful Christmas Eve party. 

       That evening, for whatever reason, I choose to carry my wallet into the eatery. I sat on the little thing thinking if I was sitting on it I wouldn't forget it. <Lesson learned, forgotten in no time> We had a great dinner, I got up, went out to the car and proceeded to drive to my parents home. 

       It took no less then 2 minutes at their home and I realized I must have left my wallet there. That instant panic, gut punched feeling. I knew I wasn't more then 5 minutes away and flew to my car hoping they hadn't even bused our table yet. When I arrived it was indeed bused. No wallet. 

       I asked if the wallet was returned. Nothing. I asked to speak to the person who had bused the table. I was informed that he had just left, he had some last minute Christmas shopping. I knew there was about $75 dollars cash in my wallet and suddenly that story in my worry, panicked, mind  seemed WAY to suspicious. 

       I of course jumped to conclusions. I also told the people what I thought to be a suspicious coincidence. I also informed them I wanted to wait until this person returned.  So I waited, and he returned, and I confronted, and he denied, and I insisted, and he shook his head, and I pleaded, and he denied. I wrote my name and address, told him he could keep the money, but please return the wallet and all it's contents. 

       Christmas Eve. and all it's magic was gone, overshadowed by what I felt was a horrible injustice, an idiotic mistake on my part, and stolen by someone with no heart.

       Christmas Day. I am driving and my littlest one says to me "Mommy <giggle> are you looookkkkinnnn ffffooorrr youuurrrr wwwaaallleetttt????" I look back at her and she's grinning from ear to ear holding my wallet. Relief and utter puzzlement overcome me. I asked her where she got it and she proceeded to tell me she saw it the night before at dinner on the floor and thought she would play hide and seek with it. 

       I realized with all my crying, whining and ranting the night before, the kids were off playing. She had no idea I was devastated about my wallet. Of course then the guilt washed over me tenfold. That poor boy last night at the restaurant. I had laid blame and although innocent, I had cast a shadow of doubt on his credibility with his employer. I too had ruined his Christmas Eve. 

       I would be lying if I said I didn't think of just simply never going back to that place again. Hide in my own guilt.  To face my own mistake didn't exactly sound like an intriguing solution. But, I laid pride aside and the day after Christmas I was there at opening. Offering my apologies, explaining the truth and humbling myself to the lowest of levels.

       Lesson learned. Learned the hard and humbling way. If I find myself jumping to conclusions, letting emotions override possible solutions, possible scenarios, possible anything. I take a step back, recheck, breathe and try a new perspective. That itself can be challenging, but it's worth the pause to avoid something potentially devastating and Falling flat on your face.  

As always..........just a thought to ponder.............
      


      

Monday, December 13, 2004

Sunriver Ladies

In light of my previous entry, I've realized that if I would like to remember much of the year of 2004, I have but a few weeks left to do a few summaries. Nostalgia sake of course. My history. Documentation.
       I did something this year I've never been privy to before. A full on, all out, girls ONLY weekend. There is a wonderful group of woman who live in Oregon and Washington who, based on the scrapbooks I browsed though and the stories I heard, make a yearly trip to Sunriver Oregon. One of my very dear friends, Kelli, invited me to be her personal guest this year.
       It seems you only have to be a guest once, then your in the club and the subsequent years you can bring your own guest. Honestly I said no at first, find the time? What to do with the kids? Drive over there alone <about a 6 hour drive> ? I don't know anyone but Kelli <social isolation> ?
       The big one, a Full Day At The Spa? Now that too was a new concept for me. I had never done such a thing. I had heard the urban myths about such a day from various other woman, but me? Given the choice of a full day to myself I generally pick activities that I love, flyfishing, reading, writing, mountain biking. Kelli said I could do all of those things, but she insisted I participate in the Spa Day.
       Now being the practical gal I am, I looked at the various "full day of pampering, high life style" choices and prices. Instantly my mind began to calculate all the things I could purchase for these prices, new flyrod, piece of furniture, new this and that, but her desire for me to "experience something new" won the argument.
       Day 1) Thursday: Kissed girls good-bye, printed directions from mapquest, filled gas tank and took off. Once I crossed the state line the realization of just how alone I was hit. Glorious!
         

         Suddenly as I was cruising down the highway, music blaring, window down I had visions of Thelma and Louis. Ok, minus the shotgun partner. Oh alright, and minus the murder part. I found myselfin new territory, and stopped at various tiny little cities along the way.  Then one town I came upon had a big billboard """Casino""" screetchhhhh went the tires. That was a 3 hour rest stop. Left $200 dollars ahead, that took a dent out of the upcoming day spa. 
     
 Pulled into Sunriver..........Gorgeous as promised. Meet all the woman, nothing scary there, whew! Instantly feel like part of the club.

Day 2) Friday: What to do, what to do. No one seems to have any plans. Some went off shopping, a few said it was pajama day and therefore the world can kiss off, they weren't showering, doing hair, or changing. Some went golfing, some to a movie.
I, with my newfound freedom, took a long Mountain bike ride, the trails going everywhere had so many possibilities. Two hours filled. Went shopping at this amazing little village they have there. $200 dollars gone, it was bonus money anyway right? Went back to house, climbed into pajama's at 3 p.m. the rest of the day was nothing bliss............

Day 3) Saturday: Spa Day. I have to admit I was nervous. Not really sure of what to expect. The ladies had been enticing me with words of mud baths (we pay for mud?) .....body and facial scrubs (this sounded a bit medival).......deep tissue massage (just how deep is deep here? (I kinda appreciate my insides) .....your naked except for the robe (high alert here, nudity? I didn't see that on the brochure) .....hot rocks massage for the feet and back (Umm rocks, well that should at least reduce the cost right? rocks are FREE).......Oh and we can't forget about the chemical peel (this sounded like loads of fun)
       Upon arrival, as to be expected clothes were taken away replaced with a GLORIOUS robe. I fell in love with that robe that day. If I had a bag big enough I might have been tempted :o) I felt a wee bit vulnerable at this stage. Dim lights everywhere, candles aroma throughout the rooms. My support friend wisked away to her own utopia. I won't go into great detail here, but for every moment of uncomfortable (the butt part of the massage didn't thrill me too much, it's hard to "relax darlin" when we are circling in forbidden territory) there was twice as much ahhhhhh, thats feeling great.
       Iwalked out of there 6 hours later feeling like a drunk woman. My face was a shiny bright red, thank you chemical ouch peel. My muscles were suddenly saying Hello to each other. It seems they were all bunched up in fetal position and now were stretched out and happy, ready to face the world.  I dutifully drank tons of water because evidently all my toxins would be erupting from my body over the next 24 hours and I need to help the body wash all that out. My skin was sparkly, sanded down and nourished.
       Yes, I will admit, I felt great! Other then the butt part, the only other choking moment was paying for it. Kelli immediately asked if I was glad I did it. I thought about it for a while, and yes, I would do SOME of it again. A few of the things seemed a bit pointless, but again, who am I to question toxins and oxidants.

Day 4: Where did the bliss go? Ultra sore body, can barely crawl, toxins are free flowing now, I'm told this is due to "deep massaging".  I'm told this is normal, especially your first time. I'm such a novice. Drinking water as dutifully told. Bathroom breaks every hour, I wonder each time how many of those horrid little toxins are now fighting for their very lives down in the sewer.
Again, they didn't mention this in the brochure. My face is really glowing today. Nice and neon bright. I love today, nothing to do but kick back and relax. Glorious.

Day 5: Heading home. Stop at the casino. Lose 80 dollars. A man asks me if I was sunbathing too much this weekend, my face looks a strange bright.

Heading back to reality.

 Visions of Thelma and Louis are now replaced with visions of Rose from the movie Titanic, heading up the stoop into the ship of  doom.

I will be back the year 2005, with guest in tow. I'll of course recommend the chemical peel, and the butt massage for her! 

Saturday, December 11, 2004

Mission Statement

       I've had mixed feelings about this online journal now for some time. In the world of someone like me who always seems to find a need to know "purpose" it was only natural for me to rehash these thoughts back and forth until I came to a conclusion.
       I was meandering as I do, mostly as a lurker, though the comment board yesterday and came across an interesting "argument" between regulars pertaining to basically the "reason" for our public journals.
       I know his comments can be somewhat controversial and public opinion is varied down the line much like political parties, but Plittle, Paul, 
Aurora Walking Vacation 
made an interesting comment that seemed to strike a resounding cord with me. His comment was > I am under no illusions that I'll ever be chosen as an editor's pick. I'm not going to lie and say that I write my journal for me. I write my journal for an audience. If I thought no-one was reading it, I would stop. I would love to be featured, but the content of my journal is irrelevant. I don't fit the profile.
        
The reasons for his comment and the argument behind it is completely irrelevant here in my journal. My reason for bringing that into my journal was Paul's comments honesty and simplicity. I too find an interesting and fascinating link to having "an audience" as he put it, hearing peoples opinions, thoughts, reading others journals, no one can deny comments are fun, helpful, heartwarming encouraging, etc., etc 

 "Audience" the word obviously could be taken in two directions. So to clarify I'm not pompously pounding my chest, for clarification, sharing with others is the ulitimate goal here. Writer to reader, reader back to writer, thoughts and idea's, interaction fromso many walks of life. Without a public forum it would be nothing more then writing in my regular journals.

...........show me another environment where you can say anything you damn well want and no one can stop you, correct you, belittle you, or demean your thoughts. It's a priceless corridor.
        If I didn't on the level agree with Paul, I would have a private journal. It can be elevated to mean so much more and I won't take that element out, but if you take it apart, reduce it to simplicity, it's knowing your interacting with others on every sort of level and that is the part I find utterly compelling.
       Now with all that being said, I truly started this with the intention of defining what I want to accomplish with my journal. I've changed my description to fit my personal desires. Before I started this entry I counted how many handwritten journals I have currently going. 16 to be exact. Each one serving a specific purpose. I've often thought of what would happen to my boxes and boxes of finished journals when someday I pass away. Would they be saved and treasured? Thrown away? Read by generations to come? I don't know, and it's not for me to decide.
       I know that if anyone should start reading them, there is no chronicle order, they are random and would be ineffective in giving someone a timeline of my life. The one man I ever trusted to read my journals, actually the only person ever, said I speak in riddles and ryhyms. He was right. It's random ecclectic thoughts. I think he of all people could appreciate this orderly online journal of mine. It's actually readable!

I can't stand dating things, I can't write on paper with lines that restrict me in anyway. But typing, what a beautiful thing typing is. I don't see lines and don't feel confined. My fingers can type as fast as my mind can think. Plus I can make multiple copies of every entry! Print is another beautiful thing.
       Hence my purpose for this journal. I've decided one of the greatest gifts I could give my daughters is my thoughts and what my life meant. These pages are dated, yet unrestricive to me. At the end of every year I will be able to compile everything I've wrote throughout the year, and bind those copies into a book for them. My legacy, my life, irrelevant to anyone but those who love me. It's the story of me. Archived in a wonderful manner no one could become confused with.
       The bonus to this story? If I am able to spark a thought with readers, find new journals to read via this medium, sort out some of "all this" in my head, help someone in their own life choices with tales of my own life, find myself challenged with new and interesting perspectives and on and on........the possibilities are breathless and endless......................

Thursday, December 9, 2004

Legacy

  One of my favorite places in the world. I'm flyfishing, yet how can you concentrate on fishing with a canvas like that in front of you?

There are but two sides to every story..............

My Fathers version: He was innocently fishing, standing a few feet out in the water of a river when my Mother, grandmother, and a few various Aunts sat down behind him much too close of course, with new infant in tow. Oblivious to him (and for the life of him he couldn't understand why they would pick that spot), we were within striking distance of a flying spinner and by some stroke of bad luck a treble hook planted itself firmly into the side of my cheek. So much for the beauty of 2 week old skin.

    Instantly he heard the shrieks of woman and the crying of an infant. Horrified as any Father would be, he swooped in, gently bent the barbs back and slid the hook out. Meanwhile, of course, being in the trusted hands of her father, I stopped crying and took my first "hooking" of a fishing hook like any fisherman would, calmly. Just as the dramatics of the hooking calmed my Mother again began to shriek, screaming rants and raves of a woman gone mad. It seems a tick had made it's home sneakily behind my ear. Again, in the face of crazy women, he calmly removed my first tick and again I took it like any person of outdoors birthright, calmly.  

My Mothers Versions: The womenfolk spread their blankets out in a pretty little spot next to the river, in the luscious shade of evergreens. The men were all out fishing, my father included, was some 5 yards down from us. My Mothers ever present watchful eye noticed my Father inching his way towards their safehaven and called out to him several times to not get so close. In one of those defining moments when she had glanced away, he had again moved closer and without warning flung his spinner viciously back impaling my innocent sleeping face and mercilessly tried to cast his infant daughter into the river.

    Upon realizing he didn't have a huge fish on the line, but that of his 2 week old daughter, he casually meandered over to the horrified woman. My mother promptlytold him he need to cut off the barbs and remove the offending hooks. With his large, cumbersome hands he yanked, pulled, twisted, all the while I am screaming bloody murder, my mother is bawling and the other woman are screaming at their husbands to come help. Once my Father gave one final vicious yank the offending hook was removed and my Mother briskly removed me from his hands and tucked me tight in her arms.

   This is when she saw the offending tick and in her words "Almost killed your father for making me take a 2 week old baby camping."     Now if your still following this story, you'll have to understand these were the days when removing a tick was a simple task of lighting a match, blowing it out, quickly placing the burning stick on the ticks backside, which in turn scares the tick so badly it backs out of the skin and poof, cured.

   My mother swears he hardly took the time to aim and burned a small hole the size of a canyon in my precious skin.She insists that by now I'm sobbing so hard I'm turning blue, she didn't think I would live through all the trauma.  Divorce was now a pending threat. Again my father tried to burn the little tick, and with the help of several hands holding me still, he was able to burn and yank the tick out.

     I LIVED.  

 My Legacy is created.    

 Family folklore will dictate that by the age of 2 weeks old I received the "mark" of a fisherman and therefore would always bear the weight of this totem. Just as the man who was viciously sliced by the claw of a bear now walks with the bear totem, or the woman who saved a child will forever be a protector of all children, I became fisherman.    

One of things that happens in a woven family like mine, is we all camp religiously. Always have, always will. The gathering place has always and will always be the campfire. Stories are retold time and time again in the amber glow of this fire.  

    As a young child I would sit, quietly roasting my marshmallows listening to the elders speaking these stories. The stories changefrom each story teller, each with their own rendition of what "really" happened. Yes, there are stories we all wish would disappear long lost in memories, but there is always someone who remembers and starts the conversation with "Rebecca.......do you remember when you.........." And either it will be a proud story, or one that brings on a sheepish smile and good natured embarrassment.    

On every successful day of fishing, around the fire, notes would be compared, number of catches, size of fish. Everytime I out fished those in any age bracket larger then mine, remarks would be made that of course I should fish better then everyone. It's my birthright, I bore the mark at such an early age, it was my destiny.     

 Legacies are made this way. There are no writers in my family other then myself, no family history recounted in journals and diaries, documented for the generations to come.  These stories of current times, and long away memories are kept alive in the minds of all of us. My own children now listen as I once did, and learn about harder times, funny mistakes, glorious good old days, family members since gone, they will never meet, will continue to live on in their minds.    

I imagine some of the stories have turned into such myths that only the ghosts of our past know the real truth. Sometimes I've laughed and made remarks that Paul Bunion would be proud of some of our stories. But whether myths, legacy or just simple stories of memories, I know my story will continue to be passed down generation after generation. It's birthright, it's tradition, family,  it's my legacy.................  

 "As the angler looks back, he think less of individual captures but of the days, and scenes in which he fished"........anonymous

A Book

There are a few pieces of advice a dear friend once told me, and I adhere to them all pretty closely. One of the things she told me in her wisdom filled voice is "If someone recommends a book to you, get your mind out there and read it." As any good student would, I do my best. Recently a book was recommended here on my journal. First by Astaryth Adventures of an Eclectic Mind  and then her motion was seconded by Samnsmile5 Letting It All Sink In 

Now I'll admit, I was a bit leary about the title. But who am I to walk away from a book recommendation. I purchased this book and read it in one night. I was surprised, and touched by this book, and dare I say, even felt the welling of tears at the end. It's an amazing reminder of how even the most insignifigant interaction can play such a pivitol part in our lives. If you have a chance.........I too would recommend it. Thank you ladies!Since I am on the book run here, I also purchased another book at the same time and have finished it also. Written by Amy Tan, it is called "The Opposite of Fate." If your interested in how a writer learns to write, her muses, inspiration, life stories, this is a great path to walk with the author.

Friday, December 3, 2004

The 12th Month

December: 12th month in a calendar year, time of family, decorations, garland, presents, spirit, the end to another year and so much more. It is also the month out of the year I spend reflecting on what I accomplished, events that happened, where I've come from during those 12 months. 
       I did away with New Years Resolutions a while ago. Somewhere along the line I figured out that wasn't an avenue in which I responded too in a positive manner. Instead I spend the end of my year summarizing my accomplishments, looking at lessons learned and laying the past to experience. So for the next month I will review the things that effected me most this year, explore if you may, meaning and lessons. This year particularly has been a learning experience.
       Life it's self has been a theme this year, whether I wanted it too or not. I've now witnessed what having cancer in someone's body does, the effects it has on family and friends. I've had a family member die of cancer and seen how unforgiving and viciously it can take someone. I've helped a friend out of an abusive situation that turned deadly, where helplessness and lessons learned on my part will be something I will forever carry on my shoulders. I witnessed the vicious vehicle wreck, of my own parents and still am haunted by that 45 seconds in my life. I've been with a friend who had life growing inside her and had it taken away in mere hours. I've also seen life give so many chances, the same friend who was only left with one avenue for life received the gift of life again and is now weeks away from giving it.  I myself have done the infamous death defying drowning stunt in a river, which to a flyfisherman is your ultimate fear of wading.
       Appreciation comes from things felt to the core and everyone one of these things had a profound effect on me. It's the month where I gather up all these experiences, sort through them, try to find meaning and understanding, they deserve more then just falling into the category of "ya it happened to me once, it added drama to life then, but I'm over it." I guess I feel that if I reduce these moments in my life to just a chapter in a book closed without a second thought, then what have I learned?  Maybe I need to give each of these moments in my life a measure of signifigance so that I won't forget. I can go back re-read, re-experience, re-feel these things. So, on to my month of reflection, my time honored tradition that is mine and mine alone.................

Thursday, December 2, 2004

Tech Goddess

Ok Ok, patting myself on the back. I now have my first official graphic and it actually works! Now, during my painful learning experience weeks ago I saw this graphic on someone's journal and had remembered reading something about right clicking and such. Thus I had tried it and honestly didn't think anything had happened. Strolling through files upon files of what looks to be worthless stuff in my computer I found it this morning.

I have always been fascinated with circles, gyroscopes, space confined within outter circles. So of course I could watch this little graphic with wonderment and appreciation.

So to the person I borrowed this from, I thank you and hope it was alright to download it to my computer. <Unsure of journal land etiquette here>  I wish I could give proper name credit!

To myself ......your journal  has entered a new dimension! Hallellujah

 

Wednesday, December 1, 2004

Corridor

  > The best part of me is hidden here, lost in a corridor of suspended time. My own hypocrisy astounds me. My mind and ideals can think and travel one path, my reality and life lived another. Two distinct processes, running parallel. Drifting between the two, a shadow, parts of the whole. The two must cross someday. Why? Wholeness is what I seek, the two lines creating a whole. < Journal handwriten entry 11/29  

The things I write about in my many journals, at home, online, etc., are not things I freely talk about in my "real" life. I've found I'm more a listener to people I am face to face with. I've always been a listener. As for my friends I have many and I do indeed have a character for each one of them to relate too.  It's a fine art I've perfected to make those around me comfortable.

Lets face it, most people have no interest in discovering whats inside another person. I've found the majority of people are far more interested and find use in a friend who allows them the platform in which to stand on. The benefit for me? Whether they realize it or not, with simple questions and listening I dig down inside them and discover whats there to be found. Character study at it's finest! Because truly one of the most intriguing things I find in this world I live is people.

 Now, on the flip side, those who have made a half attempted try to pry into my mind find a door rather solid and locked. Sometimes I think my mind is like a Pandora's box and only the privileged and someone smarter then I will find a way in.

 This has been a common complaint from the men in my life. I am not married, haven't been for many years. For the longest time people would ask me if I would get married again. My pat answer was "Been there done that, no thanks." But just this summer after giving my pat answer a man looked me in the eye and said, "You say that now only because you haven't met the right person." Now thats been haunting me for a while and I believe he was right, it's something I reflect upon from time to time. 

    There is a downfall, a pitfall if you may, of doing this sort of morphing to fitthe mold of so many others.I like peace, I like calm, I like people to be comfortable. I like things to be perfect for others. The price I pay? Loneliness. I have to find a balance between my privacy and yearning for human connection. Another price, being confronted with all these multiple personalities and trying to piece which ones are "real" and which one's are one dimensional.    

MSTI

 I know that this is but a new experience for me, but today I was exposed to an environment that was not only moving but amazing. Today was my Mothers first radiation treatment. Since neither of us really have any real expectations of how all of this works, I previously promised I would take her too all radiation appointments.
        All part of my need to provide some sort of support during a quite helpless situation for the "outsider" I.E. me, the person not having a breast removed, the person walking around cancer free, the daughter who still wonders what kind of profound "thing" she can do to take away her Mothers pain and fears.
       I had never been to the cancer treatment center here, obviously, never needed too. I don't know if we have some sort of divine center here, or it's like this in other cities. This place is amazing. On an visual level, it is beautiful. Waterfalls inside, beautiful pictures, no one wants for entertainment. TV's, puzzle tables, massage chairs, games for children, games for adults. No hospital smell, candles burning from here and there. Snack foods here and there, drinks of all sorts for anyone to partake in. Plants growing, green everywhere. And not one fish tank! <Fish tank= sure sign your in a hospital or dentist office> Once I had my mother safely removed from my presence for her treatment I begin to wander around, explore.
       What struck me the deepest was the chemo area. A wide open room with extremely comfy looking reclining chairs and all medical type devices subtly hidden in some manner. The room was almost full, with men, and women hooked up to machines receiving their chemo, all together. Most of them chatting, talking, one man looked to be sleeping. The array of hats, bandanna's, wig's was a plethora of colors and patterns. The empathy and emotion I felt while silently walking among these amazing people gripped my heart. I smiled to several of them. I knew I probably shouldn't be in there, but something pulled me and so I walked.
       A woman quietly said "hello" to me, she probably felt obligated since I smiled at her, and I said 'hello' back. Suddenly the words came out of my mouth before I took that split second I should have and asked "How are you?" Take foot, place in mouth. In the next full second I berated myself for asking such a stupid thing to someone laying in a chair being pumped full of god knows what. She smiled, chuckled and said "Well sweetie, this is a great day actually, last time I hope to ever sit in this chair."  We engaged in conversation long enough that I lost track of time. She was amazing. Her perspective, her voice, her smile, her actual words of encouragement for not only myself, but my mother.
       Thats where my mother found me. I put my arm across my Mothers shoulders and we continued to talk for a bit more. It felt so awkward to leave this woman. I wanted to hug her, tell her she made my day, made an impression on my heart. I simply thanked her for her words of encouragement, told her I thought she was very brave and wished her a wonderful holiday season.
       It was about an hour later, after I had dropped my mother off at home that I realized I never asked this woman her name. Instantly crushed. All day long I have been bothered by this. How could I stand there, talking about things like cancer, sickness, hope and attitude and yet, never ask her a name?
       So to the woman who made a difference in my day, I thank you, whoever you were. I doubt I'll ever forget our talk, your smile, your voice and your American Flag bandana!

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Identity

If I were to pick one of my defining identities it wouldn't be 1) My occupation 2) My financial status 3) The size of my home 4) The vehicle I drive. For those distinctions are but just a fallacy, something that could disappear tomorrow with a simple twist of fate.
       The identities I treasure above all, are the ones that stay with you, through times of hardship, where 10 dollars looks like a million and times where $1000 dollars is irrelevant.
       My connection with nature is long standing. A friendship that has never turned it's back on me, that is there anytime I need it. In times of great happiness I've gone to my favorite spots of nature and relished my thankfulness. In times of great sorrow I've cried my tears into her rivers and land, poured my soul out for answers. I've been asked before whom my best friend is, I've tentatively given the answer of "nature" and eyebrows raise, questions arise. "How can that be?" they have asked?
       Edward Abbey once said. " I am an earthiest, I stand for what I stand on."
Reading that was a profound moment for someone like me, who stands in the middle of the road when spirituality is questioned. After yet another attempt at salvation on my soul from a good wishing friend I wrote this in my journal.........

Living in a space that doesn't conform
How many faiths turn around in the overtime......
The divine heavens
The grounded earth
Can't wander between the two I'm told
Show my respects to the heavens and the earth
For my spirituality is somewhere in between


       When I am fishing I find myself in a corridor of peace. A bubble if you may. My entire world can be crashing down around me outside of this space, but when I am there I am in peace. I flyfish year round. Wading in a river on a lovely summer afternoon, freezing in a near frozen river in the middle of December. The time of year is irrelevant to me. Just like writing, flyfishing is something I must do.
       I am lucky, here where I live. If time is an issue, and I cannot escape the confines of the city, there is a beautiful river that runs throughthe middle of town. I always have my flyfishing gear in my SUV and I mean ALWAYS.In good weather on a bad day for me, you can find me fishing down at the river, business suit and all. I imagine and have been told by passerby's what a strange oddity I make, while fishing with my heals tossed on the river bank. Clients will call and I'll answer my cell phone and explain I'm standing by some waterfall outside a business. I figure they don't need to know I'm fishing as long as I'm tending to their needs!
       I observe my flyfishing as an art. I was lucky enough to have an amazing man teach this fine art once. Actually he taught me in an unconventional way, but taught me nontheless. His instruction was priceless. Possibly only another flyfishing comrade could understand this meaning. It is a process, it takes time, learning, understanding and years to attempt mastery. I flyfish for tiny little brook trout and enormous stealhead and receive equal enjoyment from both. I normally catch and release unless it is time for a fantastic trout dinner. I am not opposed to killing what I admire. It is a mutual respect I tenaciously protect. It's all part of the agreement, between nature and I. Take what I need, respect what is given.
       I've had the pleasure of debating my flyfishing and hunting to others that feel this is wrong. It's a perspective that is engaged on two different levels. My respect and admiration for these animals and fish I "hunt" is held to a level in my soul with the deepest appreciation. I've found it is hard to explain this type of honor and respect. I've been asked how I can hold an Elk, wapiti, as a personal totem, yet kill one. Again, it comes back to appreciation, respect and honor.

       Identity can be found on so many levels. When I strip away the superficial I find myself left with a handful of identities. Earthiest is one that I feel at peace with, a comfort of sorts. One that I don't have to doubt or question, for it has always been with me and as long as I can walk out a door, it will always be there for me.

Let my tears of happiness and of sorrow
Flood my own Lake
So that one day I may look upon it's deep waters
To see where I've come from
Rebecca

Question for anyone taking the time to read this........Have you defined the things that identify you? Just something to think about............

Sunday, November 28, 2004

Hallellujah

If there is a picture there for you to see, you really should take pause and understand you are in the midst of a miracle. Can you hear the music??? If it's really faint in the mind, I'll give you a hint. It goes something like this Hallelujah Hallelujuh woohoo I did it hallelujah...............

Yes I am a believer. Miracles can happen to anyone.


Hallelujah!

I would like to take this award <created in my mind> and graciously thank the many people whom without their words of encouragement, voices of reason, emails of <come on you idiot anyone can do this> factual know how, I would not be here today hearing Hallelujah in my mind.

To the techno gods of Journal land, I salute you!

Friday, November 26, 2004

Denial

All right, evidently my writing forces were not finished for the evening. So here, I'm back, dearest mind......what is it you felt the need to keep typing?? Don't know?? Hark the inner voice goes silent. Hmmm, alrighty then. Sudden writers block. Words with meaning, yes, that usually does the trick.

Tousled, that comes to mind. 6 am shopping can do that to a person. Hair up, no make-up, Adidas sweat pants, slippers, pocket full of cash.

Charlatan,
Stores that advertise great deals, con us hopefuls into an early morning rise, with hopes of scoring the ONE solitary item you held in stock. Ohh yes, I see it now down there in that tiny print <each store guarantee's we will hold one such great priced item in stock, sucks to be the rest of you! but while your here buy these other high priced items>

Operator,
I traded in my safe "mommy" driving the cart card, in for a Mother on a mission demolition license. I figured if everyone else was going to use their shopping carts for modern day Gladiator tactics, why shouldn't I?? It really was a test of the fittest, a survivor story, eat or be eaten kind of scenario. I would never exaggerate something like this :o)

Eloquence,
that which is lacking in customer service. Need I say More? If you hate answering questions, dealing with people then I would say move on, new job, be nice. I can understand someone 2 minutes ago may have been rude, even yelled at you, was unreasonable, etc etc.....but well, I'm just an innocent Mommy in search of the all illusive "I'm going to just die if I don't get it" present. We both feel pressure, if we both smile, use our cart to knock those "other" rude people out of the way were both winners :o)

Commiserate,
the understanding and interesting conversations that are bound to happen when you wait in line for more then 30 minutes. Compassion in the eye's of us weary shoppers, a bonding that canonly surface the morning after Thanksgiving shopping.

Impoverished,
the general feeling after returning home to find you have purchased half the things you needed and your pocket book has imposed a temporary lock down.

Tradition,
Why I put myself through this torture every year. A time honored, from Mother to Mother fable. As soon as I was inducted into Motherhood, I was invited to join this tradition and enjoy it or not, I am there, every year, with the other Mothers in my family, shopping, spending, laughing, smiling, running, crashing, did I mention SPENDING, and having a relatively great time creating memories with the clan.


All right All right, this is a journal, your supposed to be honest to the core. I fess up. It wasn't writers inspiration that brought me back to the computer. It was denial. Denial of the fact there is a pile of presents the size of Mt. Everestt sitting in my living room, waiting to be wrapped and hidden from the searchers who will be lurking through the house tomorrow. Little eye's seeking hidden clues, glimpses, a patch of wrapping paper peaking out from somewhere. Proof Mom indeed participated in the yearly tradition!

Life, Is A Beautiful Thing

Alright, speaking in terms of making every minute count. I have just wasted an hour of my time, creating a private journal to practice in, heading off to FTP world or whatever it's called, adding multiple entries attempting that easy thing called putting a pic in your journal without the corny box around it. For my efforts I received multiple boxes with a cute seperate box in the upper left corner with a sweet little X in it, a defeated mood and a "I don't give a shXX anymore attitude." So for all of you who have accomplished this feat, I graciously bow to your feet, for you are a God like creature whom a mere mortal like me can admire! And if your sitting there reading this thinking 'But it's sooooooooo easy' remember when you first rode a bike, twasn't that damn easy, but when you learned it no problem!

   Ok, got that off my chest.......deep breathing technique's apply here. Find a happy zone, Find a happy zone.
       Yesterday was of course wonderful. Food was fabulous, company was wonderful, I was ready to take a nap by 5 p.m. and pray for stomach mercy. It's always bad manners to unbutton the pants, release some overeating pressure, sit back and relax in the company of others besides your children. I vote for a Thanksgiving Day exemption to this rule. All bets off, anything goes, if you need to release the belly from the confines of one's pants do so! No judgments! Naps should also be mandatory!
     There should also be a rule to the amount of desserts served. There shouldn't be twice as much dessert as dinner. This is an unfair predicament to put any human in! How can we be expected to turn away dessert? This I believe was brought about by women. After cooking all day listening to the sounds of men laughing, watching TV in the other room, women banded together and since murder and corporal punishment is illegal they decided to resort to some form of subtle torture. They figured if these same men sat around all day, then feasted on an enormous meal, then retreated back to the confines of a lazy boy recliner, vengeance with more food would be a good alternative. Unfortunately, us women also have fallen prey to the lure of after dinner desserts. The proverbial catch-22.
       Oh well.....a few extra pounds to the waist line is nothing compared to the treasure trove of food found on Thanksgiving Day!
       The picture I posted, that caused so much Internet grief, is of myself and my Mother. She looked wonderful yesterday. She's been feeling pretty good lately, healed well from surgery, has received now her permanent "tattoo" markings for radiation which she'll be starting on Monday. She's worried it will take away from the holidays, her energy, her robust life. I've already scheduled into my Palm pilot her rigid appt's for the next 2 weeks. Radiation, 5 times a week, for 6 weeks. If she skips a day, it gets tacked onto the end of her treatment. She made me a card, since I personally think she was the official first Martha Stewart, like she always has as far back as I can remember. Her buy a card? Tsk never! Inside she wrote:

November 23, 2004
Rebecca,
Thank you so much for your
Love and support during
This little bump in my life road.
Know that I am doing okay
And am looking forward to putting
This behind me!
I am so truly thankful this year for
All of my family.
Have a wonderful Thanksgiving for
I am so thankful you are my daughter.
Love you more then words could express
Mom


This woman, my Mother, my support, my tower of wisdom, a visionary, a spirit of which I adore and now, will be a survivor. I couldn't be any more proud of her then I am right now. Life, is a beautiful thing.......................

As Always, Just a Thought 

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Thank You

"The written word is the choicest of all relics"

       There is a moment each night as I drift off to sleep. An honest truth. A feeling of loss, moments in the day I had wasted, minutes lost forever. Choices that were made, could have been made, chances lost to time.
       But with each morning in those first moments before everything is clouded with noise and movement, I feel a surge of hopes, anticipation, for I have yet another day to fulfill anything I choose to do. A new day of choices, more chances, and with any luck a clean slate to make the best of my day.
       It's a never ending cycle, me and mind. Some nights I lay in bed, berating myself for procrastination. Some nights I lay worrying how I'm possibly going to accomplish all that needs to be addressed. Some nights where I'm content it's a beautiful thing.
       Then there is this need to put my thought in writing. I am one of those people who must have pen and paper within touching distance at all times. I wake up in the middle of the night with some random thought and write it down. I sit in meetings and listen purely by osmosis while hiding my discreet journal in my lap writing, and still manage to sound intelligent and like I was really paying attention when asked a question. <this is were I count on the osmosis>
        Writing in a public journal here on AOL has been interesting and fascinating in it's self. At time's I've been conflicted about it. Wondering if I'm writing for myself, too myself, or too those nameless faceless people who wander past my link. Last night I know it was for myself, hence the erratic clutter of words without regard to if anyone could understand my mind set. Tonight? More like for the people whom visit. 
       I've found some fascinating journals via the message board. Plus I've learned a new way to find new journals. Following the path of journals, skipping from one to another via the side link of favorite sites. My next goal is to figure out exactly how to do that so I can add a nod to the journals I've found and enjoy on my own humbly, UN-stimulating to look at journal! People are so interesting! I've found I'm fascinated by everyone's different lives, levels of writing, history. The things we are all willing to express, come clean about, write about, again, the safety of the Internet is a miraculous thing.
       Since this entry has trailed from my original thoughts, I believe I'll have to finish those on another entry. For now I feel compelled to thank all the people who have visited my site and left words of encouragement, support, especially in regard to my Mothers breast cancer.
       I would also like to thank many of you for encouraging my writing by spelling it out in black and white that I possess the ability to twist and create well with words. For as far back as I can remember I have written. This is the first time I've ever really opened myself up and let masked readers enter my world of thoughts, exploration, defining life, purpose, love, anything my mind can conjure from the abyss. I appreciate the encouragement and have even allowed myself to wander to the 'what if's' possibilities of writing. There is an interesting point of validation that comes from something as simple as a comment box. I've found I have a new thing to look forward to everyday. I'm excited when I have alerts that other journals have posted an entry.
       This journal is relatively new, and I look forward to see where it takes me and my mind. I look forward to exploring other peoples styles of writing and taking peeks into how other people move about their lives. On that note.......it's time to head to bed and see what my mind will wake me up for tonight to write down!

"The more sand that has escaped from the hour glass of our life, the clearer we should see through it"    Richter

Monday, November 22, 2004

Eclectic Clutter


Sometimes you just have a mood where rhyme and reason aren't necessary................

Unique is the temperament of the passionate. Celestial moments of the clandestine heart. Shrouded by every negative contact. Renewed faith at the slightest glimmer of hope. So shall the sphere complete it's cycle once again.

Solitary Moments Create A Cycle Of Ruminating One's Feelings.

Me. i. Look at thoughts. Why. Emotions. i. Does there have to be a reason. Real. My. Understand. Why. Can. Choose. Mine. Like playing with words. See me. Quick. Needs basic. Why. Answers are key. Slip. Interested? Why. Concepts beyond imagination. How significant do you have to be. Me. Parody of love. Why. Tragic miscommunications. Mine. If I fail at meaning stand to the left. If I succeed at understanding stand to the right. Declare the attestation. Rewrite the impression, unfinished reflections. Why.

Incapacity to feel jaded. Something to carry with you. It's a simple moment. Bothered by the delicate, smiled at the malevolent. All part of the history. Indication of the future. Render a solution by tomorrow. Prosperous in the mind that keeps conceiving. Take these impressions, let them flow from my core. Release from the hectic into the pure. Eradicate the kairos, ignore the rapacious. Solaced myself by means of aspiration. Can't stand the complaisant.


<<<this is what happens when you upset a writer Smile>>>

Saturday, November 20, 2004

Contemporary Choice


       Today I was pondering the beauty of choice, and all it's simplicity.  It was sparked by a discussion with one of my daughters who, undoubtedly made a wrong choice. It wasn't something significant or condemning by any means. Just a wrong one. 

       She choose to cover up her choice with an ingenious story that would rival any POE book. Her story had all the elements of suspense and innocent unimpeachable reasons a 9 year old could possess. She managed to elevate a minor infraction to a Judge <thats me> ordered court appearance. 

       When given the opportunity to set the record straight, I again gently reminded her she had two simple choices and two possible effects. She sat, thought for a moment and decided the choice of coming clean was probably the best choice. She knew because of the way I have raised my children that there's ALWAYS two choices, occasionally three or more, but usually the top two choices are the best to go with. Think of it like the first three ingredients listed on food. Those which are most important. 

       After her confession, we again talked about choices. It's choices that I feel are so very important in life and so often not given near the credit they deserve. You choose to wake up in the morning, or you can choose to sleep in. You choose to shower, or brush your teeth, you choose to work, pay the bills and the list could go on and on describing every single tiny detail of your daily life. You can choose not to work, it is an option. You can choose to lie or take the road of honesty. You can choose to call a friend, or let the months pass by. 

       It is with choice that you accept ultimate responsibility in your life. Of course unforeseen things can happen in anyone's life, look at my Mother battling breast cancer right now, she didn't choose that, but again, she has to choose how she handles this time in her life, proactive, reactive, complacency, defeat. 

       With every choice comes a result. Cause and effect if you may. If you choose to brush your teeth, you'll avoid cavities, unless of course you choose to drink a lot of sugary drinks and heap on the candy. I guess sometimes I see such a profound intricate web our choices create.
     

  I look back over the years of my life and can give an opinion on my feelings towards the turning points of choice over my life. Childhood.....learning the art of choice through innocent mistakes......Teenagehood.......learning the consequences of down right stupid choices........Twenties.......making uneducated wrong choices and now into my Thirties.......understanding of the consequence and rewards of choice. 
     

       For me, thinking about all that choice encompasses is a bit like looking out into the stars and trying to understand the impact of a universe that does not have boundaries. Never understated, something inspiring.
     Of course, I am but one opinion..........................

As for my daughter, her paint spill was cleaned properly, by her of course, and as penance for her attempt at diversion, raked up 4 bags of leaves outside :o)

Agony Of $2000 bucks

On a light and painful note. It's been a week, I've given it sincere chance and I want my $2000 dollars back, give back the Tempurpedic bed, buy a nice $1000 bed, take the other $1000 bucks and apply as necessary to back therapy!  As a consumer, you would have to, but assume, that laying out 2k on a bed would:

1) ensure not just any old good nights sleep, but a blissful night, floating on a cloud even beyond the nines!

2) You would wake up each morning with a smile on your face, a skip to your step, ready to take each day on because, well you were unbelievably rested!

3) upon waking your body would feel so wonderful you'd be inspired to run a morning mile, do some Jane Fonda workout, throw in some pilates, just because you CAN

4) Your dreams would undoubtedly embark on a new level, why not? Your sleeping on therapy, your body's laying on heaven, shouldn't your mind respond in the same manner?

Realty Check, for my $2000 bucks <yes I'm bitter about the price tag> I have indeed received 4 things.............

1) sleepless, unable to even toss and turn, not floating on a cloud, but wedged in what feels like a concrete tombstone, hence the loss of even tossing and turning

2) waking up wincing in the pain I feel down my neck, across my back, oh the glorious shoulder pain. I assume this is because once sucked into the murky concrete confinement of therapy my muscles eventually give up and lock into a protective pose

3) Workout? Ha! I crawl to the coffee pot, slither to the computer desk and begin a morning of stretching out each muscle group, begging them for forgiveness, asking them to ease up, I had things to do and didn't have the 2 hours truly needed for unbinding them

4) dreams? what dreams, maybe a few "I'm being buried in concrete, but only half of my body, so I can lay in a slow torturous death." kind of dream

       This is one of those beds that are firm, yet when sat or laid upon, your body heat transforms the bed......it instantly sinks, molds to each body part, every tiny little crevice. Now my true fascination at the store was the ability to sit on it for a minute, stand up quickly and see the true actual dimensions of my backside. I know this sounds shallow, but when was the last time you took a mold of your backside in sitting position to see actual dimensions??!! I of course was fascinated. The check was wrote, the wait patient. I myself have alwaysslept on some cheap or used beds. This was a supposed to be another pivotal turning point of my "it's time to live alittle" stage of life.
  

      I KNEW I was in trouble the first night. I woke up ready to send it back to tempru world, eagerly asked my other half how his sleep was and here's how it went.

ME: "Sooooo how was your sleep last night?"
Him  "Wow, best damn sleep I think I've ever had!!!" <I might add, he was bouncing, smiles, that whole damn works
ME : "Oh, well, wow, <choke> I guess it wasn't as great for me"
Him: " I could go back to sleep right now for another 8 hours it was so great"
ME: "Ok well maybe tonite will be better for me when I get used to it."

This has been my entire week. He loves it, I hate it. What to do, what to do.............Give me some vicodin, a massage and a cloud to ease my aching body on.