The New Residence

The New Residence of Rebecca Anne can be located at ...............

www.Provocationofmind.com


I hope to see you there~~
Rebecca

To All Those Who Have Started Over

I have found that usually when I am faced with the end of something, I must look at the beginning to understand the journey. Maybe I'm just a sentimental sap, maybe I knew then that all good things come to an end, but the middle was my meat and for that I am satisfied.

I'll let the first words, the first entry I ever wrote in this journal speak for how I feel now..........

~~~~~~~
Written November 8th, 2004
To All Those Who Have Started Over


To Create: The art of simply writing: Honesty.

Sometimes without regard to those who could benefit, or to those who could be hurt. That's the problem with writing. That's the problem with the written word, being a relic, being concrete, tis neither black or white.
It is what it is.

To be dissected, analyzed, interpreted. Taken out of context, or to be understood or misunderstood. Delete at the touch of a button, or a burning party.

How many of us have participated in a burning party? All the concrete reminders gone, reduced as they should to ashes. But the memories, no way to delete those, no way to burn those away.

A lifetime of memories to be discussed, looked at, reflected upon. No hiding from them. No delete button there. All there inside my head where the walls are black and the roof is red.

I guess I've found myself in a "middle of the ground" area. A crossroads of sorts. Not sure which path to follow. Which direction would have the least regret. Sometimes the safety in standing still is a humble motion, but also a cowardly one. So for now, I'll just keep writing. Discovering, exploring and avoid that delete button.

~~~~~~~

I'll let AOL burn my journal, my sweet In the Shadow of The Iris. I'm not going to transfer it, or archive it's words to gather dust somewhere......I rather like the thought of a black abyss, black ashes, nothingness and finished. I'm good with that.

My journey isn't over. It simply has a new address.
The New Homestead is located at.....
Latent Thoughts

p.s. leaving your new address would be most helpful in my next quest of finding everyone...

Thank You Everyone
In the Shadow of the Iris wouldn't have been the same without you.
The reason this journal was created remains the same,
And the song this journal is named after, I still can't escape that shadow.......

Guaranteed

                   

 

Summers Over. I've only just returned.
Things like routine and normalcy are surrounding my senses.
In a not so pleasant way. (The created cage of Life I so resist) 

I'm not sure if I'm ready to be back, but,
I have a few things to say.

To the person who sent me the book about Kevin.
I got it.
*fantastic surprise*
I thank You, very much.
I will be reading it soon and letting you know what I thought.

To the person who wrote a letter to me that they missed my writing.
I miss reading about your days and thoughts as well.
I'll be writing something just for you, soon.
Chefs surprise?
Request?

To my Patron of the Pen and fellow seeker.......
I hope you are well, I miss you and
hope your new endeavor is waxing the hell out of Texas.
I will write.

To the person who checks in once in awhile, I've only just read your words.
I thank you, understand and admire from afar.
This picture is for you, a real Pig.

To my raven friend. The crickets are still singing for you today.
Hand against your breast......beat beat.....

To everyone else.
I hope you are well and that your summer was divine.

Let the hibernation commence.

This is Ordinary

With permission and encouragement, because I've never done such a thing, I'm going to address a specific email here within an entry. ....so for you my friend, I'll try this direction and I imagine the comments from others will also be a difference in perspective and opinion. I  am after all just a voice of individual process, nothing more, nothing less ~ ~ ~ ~

Trust me, bad things have happened in my lifetime. Things I suppose I could allow to coil around my ankles and hamper my every move. I am human, and no where near immune to the facts of life. I can claim negative, sad, traumatic, horrid, depressing, frustrating, heartbreaking....and so on. If you are alive, you will have pain. That is truth. And the odds are on the fact, someone out there is dealing with something far worse then what you, I, see as bad.......

That is ordinary.

If I take a snapshot of just the last two months of my life, and applied it to conventional and acceptable process, I would have a "right" or "inherited" reason to be pissed, depressed, bawling, stressed and generally down. Truth in snapshot. ***after thought modesty removal***

I know sharing this much wasn't needed, but rather a perspective of my challenges. Now, you'll see that not all things are peachy keen in my world. I typically don't mention things like that because I do not desire sympathies, strokes, and dramatic infusion. It's not needed. But I can see why you may have thought I had the world in my hands. In a way I believe I do actually, but not the way you implied. Regardless of the issues I'm dealing with, I'm beyond thrilled to be alive and gifted another day to explore life. Simple, but good enough for me to feel grateful and appreciative of what I have.

So that's two months, all things I have absolutely no control over, and despite it all, I think today is a gorgeous beautiful day. Could that imply I'm rowing in a personal boat of denial? I don't believe so,I've had my sadness, my tears and allowed bad days to happen. Tis human to grieve, have a bad day, embrace a sad time. However, the bad things have happened, are still happening and I honestly believe playing victim over them is not the sort of direction growth, understanding, healing and greatness, in spite of it all, is found.

I wasn't always this way. There was a time that I basked in the glory of my past, my guilt's, and my glorious pains. Moments like that can be found in the archives of my journal. I haven't always made good choices, and have no doubt I will make more bad choices in life. I have rained hell down on my heart and mind just to sit and lick the very wounds I created. I own my choices, and I assure, I've done some terrible things in my life that I will continue to live with. But here's the thing, my past is my past, your past is your past....our historical realities...I see the difference between you and me, is the fact I no longer allow my past to define my future, whereas you let your past dictate your tomorrows mind set.

It seems only natural that one allows a yesterday to establish a tomorrow, but I encourage you to shift that mentality. We are the makeup of our history, but it's just crazy to allow such a thing as something that happened 10 years ago to effect your today. Let it go. I'm sure as you read that, your pain swelled up demanded and justified it's overbearing presence, but you can stifle that thought, I promise, by over ruling it's persistent need with a more powerful emotion called acceptance. You have to choose which you'd rather give the louder voice. It's yourself after all. Truth. No one could tell me a past issue that could warrant an entire life lived in day in, day out, pain and despair. No history is worth that self inflicted sentence. Reprogram.

You wrote that you have a hard time feeling happy for someone else who expresses happiness, greatness......that's your ego talking rather then your heart. Yes ego, because ego would rather think they are bad at something, just as you believe you are.  Trying to measure your own ego against another persons successes is a fruitless maneuver that will never bring you personal joy. We are far too individual, with individual lives to play 'theJones' against our family and friends. Those that do, are participating inan empty game that never ends.

The way I see it, everyone possesses that great and powerful concept of choice. There are those who have taken the 'bad' in their past, learned from it and although it will never be erased, they apply it in a positive manner to their future. And then there are those who allow a past to shackle their thoughts, behaviors and somehow feel justified bythis mentality. If you have convinced yourself this thought process is perfectly right and earned, try unconvincing yourself that it's not. Otherwise you choose to keep rowing that boat in the middle of the desert without water. Boats don't move very far in sand.

As for your greatness, I could mention several things I think are great about you. But I won't. This might hurt, but here's the deal. Anyone that needs compliments, or others to point out what's good about them, or fill their bucket of greatness is again rowing in a desert. For me to do that, is akin to giving you a quick rain storm. You need to fill your own lake with a wave of positive thought and changes. The notion of depending on others to do it for you is an unreliable source of personal nourishment. I see a hundred reasons you could feel confident in yourself, but you see a few past histories to drag you down......shift your focus, and believe in it. Once you do that, and I do compliment you, you'll actually believe me............

Each sentence I've written should have started with I believe.....and ended with, my personal opinion. I'm no therapist, but you asked for my opinions. Everything I've written is my personal view point. It's only truth for me, and suggestion based on my history and knowledge. I imagine it's made you uncomfortable and I will say, Good. Uncomfortable should inspire a change of position to find content. You deserve content, we all do. And when the next hard thing comes along, which it will, you'll be better able to handle it's motion. I believe in you my friend.........

And that is, just a thought~

**after note, the person I was writing emails with asked me to do this entry, and encouraged me to be be bold and honest. Their questions and thoughts weren't an attack on me personally. It's all good. Friend is well meaning and I hope this entry helped, rather then offend**

~Ness~

I was thinking this weekend that I wanted to start a revolution of some sort. Something swanky and worthwhile. Something that would require a theme song, a possible parade and perhaps something akin to fantastic parties. But then, I had to go and ruin it by doing some research on revolutions. Turns out, they are all rather violent and borderline revolt-ing.............

So I suppose I'll now settle for just finding a niche in life that will keep me swinging along with greatness.  ((But I still want a theme song))   I've decided since we are all bound for greatness, and I really believe we all have something extraordinary to claim in life, it's about time I discovered what my greatness is all about.

Claiming I have greatness does go against the grain of what is considered socially acceptable of course, so I understand some humility is in order here...... For some reason it's considered bad manners to coast along and say to another person, "Hey, I'm full of greatness, did ya know that?"

But, it is perfectly acceptable to say to another, "Oh, I'm a complete mess, life is rough and I'm drowning on a daily basis" That dialogue is A-Ok, but owning a piece of greatness is akin to arrogance, bragging or the Mack Daddy Deadly sin, Pride.

Why Is That?? Perhaps I'm the clueless one here and am teetering on the edge of black listing my journal. Either way I'm going for it.....

I publicly claim, that I have pride in myself. Gasp. There, I'm not deleting it, I've typed it, I have pride in myself and I'm quite certain I'm full of greatness, realized and undiscovered........I know I will never be the greatest at anything, no one really is, but I will find my greatness, I (everyone) deserve as much.

Now I just need to discover something worthy of my theme song and potential one lady parade. Since greatness comes in many forms, I figure the skies the limit for opportunity. I find questioning my motivation can simplify my direction. I know my greatness is not found in money, business, politics, religion, material things, and the standard American dream theory. But I desire fireworks and a sense of Wow, I did that.........somewhere around here, my unrealized greatness, is just waiting to be claimed.

I also know, that no one can guide me to my greatness, not the sort of greatness I seek. I can't compose a personal theme song if someone else writes the lyrics~~~ So now I just need a mission to accomplish. Whether it's climbing a Mountain I would rather not, swimming to the Ocean via rivers fromIdaho, starting a humanitarian cause, baking a cake that's not from a box, etc etc....... the opportunities are limitless.

Awhile ago I wrote something for myself. I wrote, " In a world scattered with broken glass, the love and support from my family and friends always keeps me safe. In a world abundant with fears and choices, I have always felt love was bigger then any mistake I have made. In a lifetime of opportunities, I have risked often, failed with grace and succeeded with humble gratitude. But above all, I have never known a single day without a hint of extraordinary."   

Now, I just need to add a touch of greatness to my journey.

Have you touched base with or more importantly, claimed YoUr gReAtneSs today?

Just (observation) curious~~

Self

It's been awhile I see, so I will brush off ordinary excuses and go with, I had been stretched out on my back, hands behind my head, staring up at the underside of my Iris plant watching the world drift along waiting for some gorgeous blooms.........until life reached down, gave me a resounding bitch slap and with that smack I've had to make a choice, crawl back under my soft zone, or emerge right along with the blooms.

So here I am, at all things ignored. I don't feel so well, in fact, I'm fighting off sad and would be perfectly content remaining silent and blissfully depressed. (For the season and reason of my grief, one could, if they wished to satisfy the curiosity factor, visit my other journal at Lavender Black ) But sad and depressed are different then simply quiet and observing, so movement is in order and this residence is one I can achieve progress.

I had to read something, a paper I wrote that will probably be the hardest thing I'll ever write, this weekend in front of 120 people. Public speaking is something I wouldn't say I love, but I've never been that evasive of it either. I've given classes, pulled of speeches, la de da, not a big deal, but this weekend I experienced a sensation I doubt I'll ever forget and it quite possibly scared me for life in the public speaking arena.

When I walked up to the podium, turned to face the crowd and introduced myself, I was as steady as could be expected. I had given myself numerous pep talks, internally bitch slapped my emotions so many times they were under check, and re-read the material ahead of time so much, I almost knew all 4 pages by heart.

Then I started to read. Somewhere in that very first paragraph I felt my fingers start to tingle, and that sensation continued with every word for 4 pages, to weave it's way through my entire body. The only part of me that didn't fail was my voice. I somehow managed to keep it steady and true the entire time, but by the end my entire body was shaking numb and I had to steady myself by holding the podium before attempting to return to my seat. The shaking was so horrendous, the people in the front row could visually see my struggle.......

I've now deemed my bodies traitorous reaction an internal implosion of emotion held so tight it had no where to go but within itself.  Which sounds much better then a possible anxiety attack, a meltdown of physical body control or a plain old panic of the third power. I expected near perfection from myself, and realize now how often I place unrealistic expectations on my own responsibilities, that I would never place on another soul. It was all rather surreal, but I survived and today, I'm again honored I had the privilege.

This is what I appreciate when bad things happen. People come together. Things like schedules and appointments, cleaning house and TV programs become ridiculously irrelevant. When bad things happen, focus turns from self serving to self sacrificing. People come together in ways, that one would think they would want or more importantly, need......all the time. Why is it so hard to maintain self sacrificing and holding people close during the ordinary week?  It is of great mystery to me.

I took a late night walk with my Father Saturday. He said something I haven't and won't forget. He said, "This is why I can walk down this street free from guilt, should haves and could haves. I was a good son, I told her I loved her often, I visited her every single week, I offered my help even though she never asked and I never expected anything in return. She did the same for me. I can live with that."

Body betrayal aside, I can live with everything I did as well. It's all good.

Ahoy~Contrast

Although my chair seems to be swaying to and fro, I thought I would try a sea worthy entry while my latest adventure is still as fresh as just landed sea food.

You see, I did what is considered, by my standards, a  'commercial vacation' something I typically avoid.....at all costs. A cruise seemed the quintessential beacon of prepackaged hoopla, but a week ago I found myself walking across the plank of an all inclusive festivities driven Mexican Riviera Cruise. <gasp>

I could make excuses for my irrational choice in escape. For example, I was cold here in Idaho and down south held promise of warm air. Or, I couldn't find anything better to do. Then again, I could say, I was curious, the travel channel and all. Of course, there's the truth, which is I got talked into it by a gang of sea loving travelers. Either direction I lean towards, I sucked it up, tucked my passport in my pocket and headed into skeptical waters.

I think I'll spare everyone my opinions of the cruising life .I fear I could go on and on about my observations on El Shipper Skipper. Except this, if you like to eat, and I mean A LOT, book a cruise, you'll be rolling in food heaven.

What fascinated me the most on this excursion was the contrasts I discovered everywhere I turned. While at sea, I couldn't find anything better to do then simply watch people. While trapped in a space that 80% of that huge mass you see on the outside is actually staterooms the size of sardine cans, that leaves 20% of space for everyone to amass in. Observation heaven.

First and foremost. People are extraordinarily different in size, and general appearance. That may not seem such an original statement or observation, but when you are in a space that's holding 200 people sauntering around in a state of undress....bikini's, Speedos, barely there poolside attire, it really can evoke a sense of amazement.....the human body is incredibly unique even though we all sport the same basic form. Contrasts and uniqueness. Body buffet style.

By the time we hit land and I could abandon ship I was extremely ready for a change of scenery. We personally choose to stay off the beaten path. No shopping needed, my gang wanted to see people, places and things. 

Being in Mexico really opened my eyes to how monochromatic we live in America. We, at least the places and people I know, are a banal bunch. With our beige walls and earth tone houses. It occurred to me that unlike Americans who want to fade into the landscape and not be outright noticed in our neighborhood, the Mexican culture celebrates bold, bright and colorful. The colors of their homes contrast the landscape. Their personal adornments send signals out to notice them. A church I visited was laden, to a point that would certainly be considered tacky in America, with statues and alters.

But contrast goes both ways. While I could admire the beauty of their homes, their paintings and adornments, I couldn't ignore the bars on every single door and window. In all three ports we visited, I couldn't ignore the trash, that was practically everywhere. It was a conflict of observation. To see beauty, everywhere, pillared by immense piles of trash. Sad.

One of my greatest moments was seeing a cemetery in Mexico. Holy High Honor. That culture doesn't just bury their dead, they shroud them in alters, shiny things, flowers, tombs, kites, houses, and statues. The cemetery I saw was an entire Mecca. The bigger, the brighter, the better. A visually distracting and enchanting world I have never seen nor realized existed before. I have officially requested the most gaudy and visually delightful cemetery space for myself when I pass on. I no longer want a monotone tombstone. Hell no, I want to be the purple house on the lot, I want a shrine that says, "Here lies Rebecca, Make she sparkle in peace" ........

And Contrast of wealth. By sea at night, I was eating a 5 course dinner that I would often push to the sides of the plate because I couldn't finish it all.....and by day on Mexican soil, I would witness people sifting my discarded food out of the trash can. It was a very hard reality to absorb.

In Mazatlan we used a tour guide who spoke broken, barely understandable English. His name was Cesar, and although his English was questionable, he finished every -single -solitary -sentence with, "Okie Dokie" ..(it's funny, ha ha, for about 30 minutes, but trust me, after 2 hours, okie dokie gets a bit old) ...he explained that despite our heartstrings, we were never to give the tiny children of Mexico money. He explained to me, who already had her purse basically open to anyone who asked, that if I gave them anything, it's one more day their parents will keep them out of school. Ouch. Seeing poverty at such a high dosage, at every corner, and feeling helpless to well, help, was something I doubt anyone with an ounce of compassion could feel immune. Contrast, in it's ugly form. It hurt my heart.

I suppose I could write for another hour (or two or three) about my experience, but I'll spare anyone who's made it this far. Since my mind still thinks it's on a ship and I've been swaying around the house all day, it's probably time to get some sleep. I'm sure tomorrow I'll start catching up on the 330 email alerts I have in my box (you guys can certainly write, A LOT in a week!) tomorrow, or the next...........Okie Dokie?